I'm Sorry
by RainbowDiamonds
Summary: As a child, James Diamond broke Logan Mitchell's heart before moving away. Five years later he's back to make things right, but Logan refuses to acknowledge him. Can he break down Logan's wall before Logan falls for someone else? Slash. AU.
1. Chapter 1

Logan Mitchell was eight years old when he first crossed paths with James Diamond. James was silhouetted against the blue sky in perfect clarity, arms held out straight and looking like a god holding court over his worshipers from a mountaintop. His mountain was a set of monkey bars, though, and there was no one to behold his beauty except Logan himself, who stood under a nearby tree unable to look away.

Then suddenly the boy took a tumble from the equipment, falling headfirst onto the grass below, and Logan immediately rushed over to kneel next to the prone body. "Are you hurt? Need CPR?"

The boy looked up in surprise, trying to focus on the voice but the fall had knocked his head around a bit. "CPR?"

"Yeah. Are you breathing?"

"I...think so?"

"Let me see." Logan leaned down and pressed his lips to the boy's while placing a hand over his chest like he'd seen on the medical shows. After a few moments he lifted his face away and stared down into wide hazel eyes. "Don't talk. So I can see if you're breathing."

The boy remained quiet, pretty sure he was breathing. Isn't that something he would know by now? "Am I gonna live?" he teased finally.

"I think so. Is your head okay? Are there three of me? Or even two?"

"What?"

"How many Logans do you see?" Logan asked, biting his lip.

"What's a Logan?"

"That's me. I'm Logan."

"Oh. I'm James. I see one Logan."

"Good. Does your head hurt?"

"No."

Logan reached forward and felt a few spots on James' head.

"Ow ow ow okay! It didn't hurt until you did that! Knock it off!" James smacked Logan's hands away.

"Just making sure you're okay."

"I'm fine. I fall off every time I try that."

"What? You did that on purpose?"

"Not the falling. I was trying to do a backflip. On the bars."

"A backflip?"

"Yeah! Pretty cool, huh?"

"You're crazy! You could seriously hurt yourself!"

"But wouldn't I look great doing it?" James smiled and looked off into space, no doubt picturing the adoration of many.

"Yeah, until your funeral."

"Did you do it, dude?!"

The new voice came from behind. Logan turned to see a smaller boy running up excitedly. He was clad in a helmet, knee pads, and elbow pads as if ready for battle.

"Nah, I fell again," James said with a sigh. "But I bet it looked cool! Did it, Logan? Did it look cool?"

Both boys stared at Logan in anticipation, hope in their eyes.

"No, it didn't look cool! It looked dangerous! You're both crazy!"

James shrugged. "Oh well. Your turn, Carlos."

Logan's jaw dropped. "Wait, now _you're_ gonna do it? You guys are gonna kill yourselves!"

"We do it all the time," James argued as Carlos pulled him up.

"But your head...your neck...you could break your..." Logan watched Carlos climb up the side of the bars. "Oh, that's it. I'm getting Kendall."

He rushed away and the remaining two looked at each other. "Who's Kendall?" James asked.

"I don't know. Probably his big brother. Whatever." Carlos maneuvered his body onto the crossbars. "So, closer to the edge?"

"Yeah, but you're short so it should work from there."

"Cool." Carlos carefully stood, feet braced on the outer bars, then got into a semi-crouch. "Okay, totally gonna nail it this time."

"Oh no, Kendall hurry! He's about to do it! I can't watch." Rushing back toward the monkey bars, Logan covered his eyes but peeked through his fingers, cringing.

Kendall glanced down at Logan in amusement, then his gaze swung back to the boys as they approached the bars. "He's got a helmet on. How much damage can he do?"

"He could break his neck! Stop him!"

Carlos went for it then, pushing his body up and back and around and landing flawlessly with two feet on the bars. He gasped in shock, James doing the same (all of them doing the same, actually), before his feet slipped and he over-corrected, falling to the left. James started to move but Kendall was faster, getting there just in time to catch Carlos like a bride.

Carlos grinned up at him. "Thanks!"

"No problem! That was wicked."

"So you saw it?"

"Totally!" Kendall grinned, too. "I'm Kendall."

"Carlos! Thanks for saving my life."

Kendall laughed. "Yeah, anytime." He set Carlos down on his feet and backed away a bit.

Logan shook his head, annoyed. "You're as bad as they are. He could've been hurt."

"But he wasn't. He did it. A life without risk is a life unlived, my friend."

"Oh, not that again. You use that to explain every stupid thing you ever do."

"That's because it works." Kendall nodded his chin toward the fourth boy, who was watching with arms crossed over his chest. "What's up? I'm Kendall."

"James."

When there was nothing further offered from James, Kendall turned to his right. "Hey. Carlos. Really nice moves."

Carlos beamed and high-fived Kendall. "Thanks!"

The boys started to walk away but James' voice stopped them. "Hey. Logan. Thanks for uh...saving my life." He grinned and Logan grinned back, feeling like the sun was shining on him.

"Anytime. Be more careful, alright?"

"I'll think about it."

They smiled at each other for a moment more before Kendall pulled Logan away.

Logan went home that afternoon feeling like he'd made a new friend, even though he was pretty sure he annoyed James with his overcautious tendencies. He'd hung out with Kendall for the rest of the weekend, the two excited about the upcoming first day of school, and when Logan caught sight of James in line for the classroom next to his, they smiled at each other. James had the most perfectly straight teeth, white and blinding when his lips curved up at the sight of Logan, and his hazel eyes seemed to sparkle in the sunlight. It wasn't until Kendall nudged him that he looked away with a mental sigh and listened to what Kendall had to say. "Dude, Shannon keeps looking over here and giggling. I think she likes me."

Logan chuckled; of course Shannon liked Kendall, _all_ the girls did. He'd only lived here two months and had already discovered that. Kendall had a quality they were drawn to, even at eight years old he shined as the kind of boy who would grow up to become a fearless leader, sailing to the ends of the earth to rescue them from dragons and evil villains. It was what had drawn Logan to him as well, the protective side that assured Logan he would always be safe when Kendall was near.

Logan certainly wasn't jealous; girls scared him anyway. He didn't understand them and with most mysteries his instinct was to dig deeper, to analyze and explain, but with girls he shied away from the knowledge. He wasn't sure he _wanted_ to understand them.

"I thought you weren't into girls," Logan said to Kendall. "You said they're not as much fun as boys."

"They're not, but her brother works at the arcade. If she likes me, maybe we can get free games out of it."

"That would be cool," Logan agreed, eyes cutting over to look at James again. James was messing with his hair and fixing his collar as if getting ready to perform on a stage and Logan tilted his head in amusement. "What is he doing? This is school, not a talent show. He looks great."

After glancing over, Kendall shrugged. "He obviously _is_ into girls and wants to impress them. Whatever, that Carlos kid is way more fun. Wonder what class he's in? Wow, Shannon is really into me, she won't stop staring over here. It's kind of freaking me out."

Logan casually twisted to his right and found Shannon. The moment their eyes met she smiled and waved, her face lighting up, and Logan's own eyes widened before he blushed and turned away fast, feeling his face heat up.

"Logan, say hi!" Kendall hissed, and because Logan had been raised to be polite, he did.

Feeling more eyes on him he glanced up and met a confused hazel gaze that hardened into steel as he watched. James glared before shifting his focus to someone next to him and whispering something.

Logan spun back around, feeling like a yo-yo, and suddenly Shannon waved again and called out, "Hi! Are you new this year?"

"Uh..." Was she talking to him? Kendall nudged him. "Y-yeah."

"I'm Shannon! Where are you from?"

"Far." It was the best he could come up with. His cheeks were flaming and he could feel Kendall's amusement next to him.

"Dude, it's _you_ she's into!" Kendall whispered.

"Welcome to Minnesota!" she smiled, her friends giggling next to her and it all made Logan extremely uncomfortable.

He mumbled a quiet "thanks" before shifting to his left, where he was once again assaulted with angry eyes. He didn't know what he'd done wrong to make James look livid. Logan opened his mouth to say something, but before he could utter even a word James crossed his arms over his chest and turned his back on Logan, effectively dismissing him.

That was the first time James Diamond broke Logan Mitchell's heart.

* * *

From that day forward, it was as if their meeting in the park had never happened. Logan didn't seem to exist for James, though occasionally Carlos would talk to him when they ran into each other. Kendall had discovered that Carlos was in a special class for kids requiring extra attention. Logan made the mistake once of saying that Carlos must be slow, and Kendall jumped down his throat and made it clear there was nothing mentally wrong with Carlos, he just had a hard time focusing. But whenever they came across Carlos, he waved excitedly and ran to them when he could, gushing about the latest bit of fun in his life. If James happened to be with him, James ignored them and found someone else to speak to.

Logan asked Kendall about it once, why he thought James hated them, and Kendall shrugged it off-he didn't much care and figured James wasn't worth his time. Logan wished he could shrug it off, too, but sometimes he'd catch James laughing during recess, or with an arm around Carlos as he dragged him over to the jungle gym, and a pang of longing would hit him. He didn't know why he cared, hated that he wasted his thoughts on someone who didn't deserve them, but James Diamond was radiant. Even at eight years old, he exuded such confidence and beauty that he commanded attention from everyone, seemingly without trying.

It wasn't until the following school year that they shared a classroom, and that was tough on Logan because this time Kendall was shoved into a different one. Kendall had been his best friend from the day he'd moved to Minnesota, greeting him as they were moving into the house next door and making sure he was always taken care of. Suddenly Logan was left to fend for himself, and as the nerdiest kid in class he was teased relentlessly. James of course ignored him rather than tease him, and somehow that hurt more than if he'd joined in the teasing.

For almost the entire year James had only spoken to Logan when he was instructed to, and then it was with a sort of disdain. By the time Teacher's Day rolled around, Logan had given up on ever winning James over. His best friend in the classroom was Shannon, who'd made it her mission to attack anyone who had anything negative to say about Logan now that Kendall wasn't constantly at his side. Kendall was pretty sure Shannon had a crush on Logan, and though the idea made Logan nervous, he'd found Shannon to be a good friend even if he didn't understand how anyone could look at him when James Diamond was in the room.

On Teacher's Day Shannon brought an apple and a balloon for Mrs. Tate. Most of the other kids brought cards, plants, and stuffed animals. Logan had remembered her once mentioning a book she'd had as a child and how she wished it was still in print because she had fond memories of her mother reading it to her each night before bed. With his own mother's help, they'd tracked the book down on eBay and purchased it-luckily it hadn't been too steeply priced.

He arrived in class that morning to the sight of James presenting Mrs. Tate with a huge bouquet of roses, putting everyone else's gift to shame. James was obviously proud of himself as he strutted to his desk, and Mrs. Tate joked that her husband had better step up his game because even he had never given her such beautiful flowers.

Shannon sighed and set her meager gifts with the others, Mrs. Tate thanking her as she found a place on her desk for the roses. Logan dropped the book next to the roses and made his way to his own desk, about to sit when there was a gasp that had everyone turning to stare at Mrs. Tate.

"Logan Mitchell! Oh my gosh, is this from you?!" She held the book in her hands and turned the pages lovingly, tears in her eyes when she looked up to find him.

"Um. Yes, ma'am. I remembered you talking about it."

"I can't believe you found it! I've always wished I could read this to my daughter, and now I can. Thank you, Logan. Thank you so much," she gushed, unable to tear her eyes away from the book.

There were jealous glares on all sides, but Logan hadn't done it to gain favor with the teacher-in all honesty, he didn't need it. He'd done it to make her happy, to give her a gift she would truly enjoy. Once class began the glaring died away, all except for one boy whose eyes cut into Logan from across the room. Logan felt that hazel gaze burning into him, searing him with anger as he tried to ignore it but his cheeks felt hot and his body cold and how had he managed to make James hate him even more?

At one point Logan finally turned to meet the gaze, and James shook his head before looking away. After that there was no more staring, but as the class filed out for recess James passed his desk and hissed, "Like she doesn't love you enough already? Such a little kiss-ass."

Logan sat in stunned silence, tears burning behind his eyelids, wondering why he cared so much that James hated him. He watched James storm out of class, still beautiful even though his face was flushed from anger and his hands were clenched into fists. Shannon told Logan not to worry about it, that James was just a jerk, and though Logan nodded, he didn't quite believe it. Not after the way James had treated him that first day at the park. What happened to _that_ James?

That was the second time James Diamond broke Logan Mitchell's heart.

* * *

Fifth grade brought about a few changes in Logan's life. One, he was reunited with Kendall for class, and his relief over that was palpable. Kendall made jokes about how "poor Logie missed me" but Logan didn't even care-having Kendall with him again was worth a little ribbing, and Logan could tell that Kendall was happy about it, too.

After an entire year of being ignored by James, Logan was also relieved that they were not in the same class this time. It had been difficult to refrain from staring, and this way he didn't have to worry about it. James had gone back to ignoring him after the Teacher's Day debacle, and it continued to hurt. Now there was no reason to come into contact with James at all other than the times he was with Carlos when their paths crossed; at those times it was as it had always been, James finding interest elsewhere until Carlos was ready to move on.

Kendall's favorite thing in the world was hockey, and after two years of badgering Logan to try out for the team, Logan finally did. It was mostly to shut Kendall up, because he didn't for a moment believe he'd actually make the team. He did, though, showing quick reflexes and skill at the net, and then suddenly James was in his face again. Had he known he would make the team he never would have tried out; he had no desire to be anywhere near James Diamond.

Logan considered dropping out but Kendall talked him into staying, not understanding why he was so set on leaving. He'd never been able to talk to Kendall about James, though they'd talked about everything else in Logan's life. He wasn't sure why, maybe because he didn't want to admit that James got to him so deeply, or maybe because he knew that once Kendall was aware that James was upsetting him Kendall would have to do something about it. All Logan wanted was to be rid of James, to never see that achingly beautiful smile again because it hurt that it was never aimed at him, not once since that first day of third grade.

But Kendall convinced him to stay, Kendall _needed_ Logan, he said, and so Logan suffered being near James while James continued to act as if he didn't even exist. Each day it got more difficult, though, because James was impressive on the ice. Logan missed more than a few pucks flying his way due to his attention being on James rather than the game. He couldn't help himself, James was flawless out there and moved gracefully and everything James did, he was beautiful and Logan hated him for it, hated everyone James smiled at or high-fived or even criticized. Why couldn't James even look at him?

They settled into a disgruntled co-existence, teaming up on the ice but otherwise not acknowledging each other-or at least Logan tried, it was hard not to get caught in James' tractor beam when he was in eyesight. Carlos made the team as well, and it was also his first year in regular classes so they saw more of him, though he was in James' room and not theirs. Carlos never tried to bring the two together, nor did Kendall, and for that Logan was grateful.

The talent show was Shannon's idea. After hearing about it she ran up to Logan at recess, babbling about tickets to the local amusement park and a piano and Logan's mother and once Kendall finally got her to slow down, the story came out. The school was holding a talent show, the winning student receiving four tickets to an amusement park, and she felt Logan had a chance of winning due to his skill on the piano. His mother had been training him since he was five, piano being the thing he and his mother shared and bonded most over.

Logan shot down the idea immediately, the vision of himself on a stage with the entire school staring at him resulting in the beginnings of a panic attack. He expected Kendall to laugh it off as well, but Kendall surprised him by agreeing with Shannon and encouraging him to compete.

For a few weeks it was a vague idea running through his mind, but nothing more; he wasn't _really_ gonna do it, was he? Kendall brought it up daily but never more than once, sensing that Logan was uncomfortable with the idea.

It was Logan's mother who finally convinced him to go for it. He mentioned it in an offhand manner one night after dinner as they were sitting down at the piano for their nightly "date." His mother promptly wanted to know more and suggested songs for him to play. He continued to fight the idea until she brought up his father's favorite song, which was Logan's favorite to play. It was a haunting melody that always assaulted his mind with memories of his father, leaving him melancholy but feeling as if his dad was watching proudly from Heaven. Logan imagined the happiness on his father's face if he managed to win a talent show with the song he'd cherished most, and that was all it took. He practiced hard for a week, even bringing Kendall over to critique him though Kendall swore he didn't know good from bad; all he knew was that when Logan played that song it was almost enough to bring him to tears. He said if Logan didn't win, he'd personally strangle each judge one by one.

The day of the show Logan was nervous, wondering why he'd ever thought he was good enough to compete against anyone. There were dance numbers, singers, bands performing, and even though it was only fifth grade, these kids were gifted. He thought he might still have a shot anyway, he _was_ talented, but then James took the stage. James blew everyone out of the water, his voice like an angel's and his natural ability to shine putting everyone else to shame. As Logan was the only entrant left to compete after James, he almost pulled out. There was no reason for him to even take the stage, it was clear that James would win and that he deserved to.

As he was making his way to the coordinator of the show, he glanced one more time toward the stage and froze; James was watching him in that moment, acknowledging his existence, and the words that spilled from his lips brought a blush to Logan's cheeks. _"Yeah you got that something, I think you'll understand. When I feel that something, I want to hold your hand."_

Logan couldn't move. He was mesmerized, unable to even turn his head away as his jaw dropped slightly. James turned away and continued singing as if the moment had never occurred between them, Logan wondering if he'd imagined it but really, it didn't matter. Whether it was real or not, it was enough to immobilize Logan until the song ended, and at that point it was too late to back out. He joined in the wild applause, returning to himself when James approached the side of the stage. Heart thundering once again, Logan watched James come closer and finally, there. _There_ it was, the hint of a smile from James (probably more of a smirk, but it was enough), and Logan's heart soared. James moved past him, the coordinator announced Logan's name, and then it was showtime.

The lights were hot on him as he took a seat at the school's piano, and he willed himself to get into the zone. He was almost there when a voice yelled out "Kick their asses, Logan!" Giggles erupted from the audience and he heard a teacher scolding Kendall. _Only Kendall._ He shook his head to clear it, then with a deep breath he began to play.

For the next five minutes he was in another world, eyes closed as the music flowed from his heart to his fingers, visions of his father running through his mind. The silence after he hit the last note was deafening, and then the kids went wild. He'd expected the adults to appreciate his talent, but not his fellow students-wouldn't they be more into James' type of performance?

 _James._ Logan stole a glance at the side of the stage as he stood up from the piano, and what he saw sent ice shooting through his veins. Gone was the smirk, the warmth Logan had glimpsed from eyes that were more green than brown when he was excited. The daggers were back, slicing into Logan's core so deeply he was almost afraid to exit the stage and approach James, but he did. He shook as he did it, but he walked past James with his head high and wishing Kendall was there to protect him.

The entrants were called onto the stage and the winners announced, and when James was given second place the auditorium screamed for him and he managed a huge grin that lasted as he met the eyes of so many adoring girls in the audience but Logan, who had been placed next to him, felt the tension rolling off him in waves. When Logan's name was announced as the first place winner, he couldn't even manage a smile but did give a slight bow as he heard Kendall and Shannon chanting his name in an attempt to get everyone else doing it—and of course, because it was Kendall, it worked.

The excitement died down and Logan was instructed to pick up the tickets at the front office later. He nodded, desperate to get away from James, and almost made it but James grabbed his arm as he passed and hissed angrily, "Why can't you just go back where you came from?" James shoved Logan away and stormed off, and Logan stood there frozen watching him go with tears burning his eyelids and his throat choking up.

That was the third and final time James Diamond broke Logan Mitchell's heart. He vowed that from that day forward, James would never have that kind of power over him again.

* * *

 ** _Five Years Later_**

Logan lifted a hand into the air to catch the fruit snacks Kendall tossed his way. Ripping into them, he grinned and thanked Kendall, who reached across the table and grabbed Logan's cookies in exchange.

"You really need to stop eating so many sweets," Logan chastised. "Your mom gives you healthy stuff for a reason."

"Fruit snacks are not healthy, they're mostly sugar." Kendall popped an Oreo into his mouth, running a hand through messy blond hair. The bangs had grown down to his eyebrows again and when it brushed his collar, he knew it was time to get it cut; he was just lazy about it.

"Not this brand. I read the box the other day at your house, there's sugar but it's the kind you find in fruits, the good kind that breaks down into carbs and gives you energy."

"Of course you read the box, you're such a little nerd," Kendall teased, and Logan smacked him lightly. It was strange that when Kendall said it, it never bothered him—maybe because he knew Kendall appreciated him in spite of his nerdy qualities, and sometimes even for them.

"Forewarned is forearmed, my friend."

Kendall laughed. "Is that your new catchphrase? You've been saying it a lot."

"Because it's true. Just like your thing about a life without risks."

"True, but you don't believe in that one."

"I never said that. I only said you use it to justify things you shouldn't do."

Kendall studied Logan for a moment, tilting his head. "Your hair's getting long, too. Want to go with me this weekend to get our hair cut? And wow, that sounded girly."

"Kind of, I guess," Logan smirked. "But yeah, it's time. I noticed Carlos is looking a little shaggy, too. Where _is_ he, anyway?"

Shrugging, Kendall replied, "Who knows. Probably got excited because it's meatball sub day and he's trying to convince the lunch lady to give him extra. She does have a soft spot for him."

"Yeah. But if he still wants my help on his math homework, he'd better hurry. We've only got twenty minutes left."

Just then Carlos' voice grabbed their attention. "Guys! Look who's here!"

Their heads swung over and when Logan saw a tall, gorgeous brunette approaching with Carlos, his stomach dropped and the air left his lungs. _No. No, not you, it can't be you. Anyone but you._

James Diamond had his hands in his pockets as he stood behind Carlos, who was gushing about how James had moved back and they had a few classes together and wasn't it great? He'd missed James so much! Kendall gave a small smile and a nod to James, and next thing Logan knew Carlos was shoving him over to make room for James to sit next to him. Without even thinking about his actions, Logan kept scooting over until he was off the bench and standing, grabbing his backpack and tossing his lunch bag into it. "I'll catch you in history, Kendall."

He made it all the way outside before Kendall was there, stopping him with a hand on his shoulder. "Dude, what's wrong? You remember James, don't you?"

"Yeah, and you remember how he hated me?"

"That was like five years ago."

"It was four. He was still a jerk when we got to junior high and then he moved, and I was happy to see him go. I don't need that asshole in my life again."

Kendall's eyebrows raised in surprise; Logan was not the kind of person to aggressively hate someone. "Dude, was there something I didn't know? I've never seen you like this."

Logan sighed. "It doesn't matter, and no, there was nothing. He just hated me no matter what I did and I don't need that kind of drama in my life. I've got enough to worry about with colleges already wooing me and hockey practices and the tutoring I'm supposed to do this year and oh let's not forget choir practice and there's a lot, okay? A lot. I don't need James Diamond's shit on top of everything else."

"Alright, calm down." Kendall rested his hands on Logan's shoulder, looking him in the eye. "If he starts anything, just let me know. I'll take care of it. But that was years ago, he's probably grown up some. Give him a chance before you avoid him like the plague. For Carlos' sake, if nothing else."

"Carlos was his friend before and we managed to avoid each other. I'm not worried about it."

Rolling his eyes because Logan was obviously more than worried about it, Kendall reasoned, "Yes, but we're closer to Carlos than we were then. He's always with us. That means James is probably going to be with us a lot."

"Not with me. You guys hang out with James all you want, I'll be perfectly fine studying and eating lunch in the library."

"Logan, you're overreacting. At least go back in and say hi to the guy."

"Nope. Not gonna happen. I'll see you in history." Logan spun around and trotted off toward the library, feeling more than hearing Kendall sigh but Kendall let him go.

By the time the bell rang dismissing them from lunch, Logan had a plan in place to deal with James. It was the same plan James had used with him years before, and after deciding it was the right one, Logan put James out of his mind and left him there. As far as Logan was concerned, James Diamond didn't exist.


	2. Chapter 2

What Logan hadn't expected was to run into James in choir. He should have known, really, because anyone with a voice like James was born to sing, but Logan had effectively dismissed James from his thoughts and done it so well that the sight of that long, muscular body striding into the auditorium shook him for a moment. James had been tall for their age in junior high, though it had been a gawky sort of awkwardness, and over the years he'd grown into it and filled out. One thing that hadn't changed was his ability to command attention with every move, with that natural beauty that was so radiant it left Logan aching.

James approached the director and exchanged a few words, introducing himself and singing on command when the director asked him to. Those who hadn't already been staring at James quickly focused on him, Logan being the only one to look away. Seeing James sing brought back that feeling he'd had in fifth grade when James had sung to him (okay, it wasn't really _to_ him but Logan had felt as if it was), the one that made it impossible to listen to that Beatles song now.

He took his seat at the piano and waited, the director sending James to the appropriate vocal group, and as James walked by his steps slowed. Logan pretended not to notice, his eyes on the piano keys but his face betraying him with a blush anyway, and finally James moved past him.

His focus was off the entire period, Logan's fingers stumbling over the keys, and toward the end of class he took the director aside and asked to be excused. Once again James was getting under his skin, and he wasn't going to tolerate it. Never again, he reminded himself.

Logan walked straight to the office and had a talk with his guidance counselor, removing himself from the choir and enrolling in journalism instead. It wasn't something he particularly had a passion for, but it satisfied the criteria in that it didn't feature James. He knew the choir director would be upset and bewildered, but there were other students who would fill the role of piano player well enough and what mattered to Logan was keeping James at a distance.

When James showed up at hockey practice that afternoon, Logan promptly quit the team as well. No amount of pleading or even anger from Kendall changed his mind, and it was the first time Logan could ever remember Kendall being mad enough to not speak to him. Logan walked home by himself, realizing on the way there that his entire world would be changing now and it was all due to James Diamond. There would be no more choir, no more hockey, and while it would help him focus on his studies more, he knew that it would also result in the breakdown of his friendships with Carlos and Kendall. He accepted this, understanding that he'd brought it on himself, but unwilling to undo the changes he'd made that day. The memories of hurt were strong, so vivid he sometimes still woke from nightmares bewildered and shaken simply because James made him feel like nothing with a few words and eyes filled with hatred. Logan wasn't willing to go through that again, no matter who he lost in the process.

He should have known, though, that Kendall wouldn't let him go, and of course Kendall called that night to try to reason with him. It was unsuccessful, Logan not really wanting to get into his true motives and admit that James affected him in some way he hadn't understood as a child, but Kendall tried anyway until Logan finally had to beg off with the excuse of homework (which wasn't a lie as they both had homework they needed to focus on). Logan knew Kendall wasn't going to give up, though, and prepared himself for battle the next day.

* * *

The way Logan dealt with it was to walk away every time Kendall brought up the issue, and eventually Kendall stopped trying. Carlos joined them as usual before school, _sans_ James, and he asked once why Logan had taken off during lunch the day before but Logan said he wasn't willing to talk about it and Carlos let it drop. The day continued as usual until lunchtime, when Carlos brought James to the table again and Logan immediately stood up, making his way out of the cafeteria. He was stopped by a hand on his arm mere steps from the safety of the library and he turned to blast Kendall before he could even get started but the words died on his lips when hazel eyes peered at him from the face of an angel.

"Can we talk?" James asked.

Logan shook his arm free and spun away, pulling the library door open.

"Logan, come on. I don't know what your problem is with me but Carlos-"

The words were silenced as the door closed behind Logan.

That was the second time Logan Mitchell broke James Diamond's heart.

* * *

Kendall attempted again that afternoon to convince Logan to reconsider hockey, and Logan gave him five minutes before ending the conversation with a warning that if Kendall brought it up again, he'd leave. This was an empty threat since Kendall would be leaving in a few minutes for hockey practice anyway, but Kendall sighed and backed down, switching tactics to state that he missed Logan, missed walking home from practice with him, and without hockey they'd never see each other.

Logan rolled his eyes and reminded Kendall that they walked to school together, ate lunch together, and would be spending weekends together. "That is, unless you're planning to invite James along to that, too."

"Of course not, I hardly even invite Carlos over. That's our time, Logan. But you're not being fair to James; whatever his problem with you was, that was five years ago-"

"Four." Had Kendall forgotten their first year of junior high, when James had occasionally joined in the stinging comments that were borderline bullying? Of course he'd never done anything in front of Kendall, he wasn't completely stupid, and as Logan hadn't mentioned it he supposed he could forgive Kendall for not remembering that. Still, Kendall needed to let it go.

"Whatever, four, five, it doesn't matter. It was a long time ago and-"

Logan spun on his heel and headed toward the front of the school while calling back, "Have a good practice. See you tomorrow."

* * *

Logan's decision to quit the hockey team gave him more time after school to devote to his studies, and in turn he was able to help more students with tutoring. He and Shannon had remained friends, though not as close as they had once been because she started dating and her boyfriends didn't appreciate the fact that her best friend was a boy. When she ended up being one of the students he worked with, both were happy because it gave them a valid excuse to hang out.

 _There's one thing I can thank James for_ , Logan thought.

When it became apparent that Logan wasn't going to cave on the lunch thing, Kendall started eating in the library with Logan each day. He was of course a little disruptive, though not intentionally (Kendall just had that way about him), and after a few days they found a tree to eat under that suited their needs. Carlos tried a couple of times to get them inside, but Logan refused, so Kendall refused as well with an apologetic smile.

"You don't have to sit out here with me," Logan said the first day. "Carlos is your friend, too, and I get time with you that he doesn't."

"Nope. You're my best friend, and you're the one I sit with at lunch. Dude, Shannon's been looking at you a lot today. I keep noticing. Isn't she dating Jack?"

"Yeah, but I tutor her now so we're talking more. I think her crush is coming back. Which makes no sense to me, Jack is really hot. What would she want with me?"

Kendall gave him a sidelong glance, hesitating but finally deciding to address the comment. "So you think Jack is hot?"

"I...uh..." Logan blushed furiously, choking slightly on his sandwich.

"It's okay, dude," Kendall laughed. He patted Logan's back and said, "You're right. Jack _is_ really hot."

After swallowing, Logan absorbed what Kendall had said. "Yeah? You think so, too?"

"Oh yeah. I'd do him."

"Oh. Wow. Okay. So did we just uh...come out to each other?"

With a tiny smile, Kendall answered, "Yeah. I think we did."

"Okay. Um. How long have you..."

"A long time. I wondered if you did, too, but I was afraid to ask. I don't want to embarrass you. And since we're on the subject, you can't tell me you don't think James is freaking gorgeous."

Logan sighed, wondering why it always came back to James. "Can we not talk about James for five minutes? Please, Kendall?"

"Admit you want him."

"I don't want him. He's a pompous asshole who doesn't deserve a second thought from me."

"But he's hot. You have to admit that."

"Yeah, okay. He's hot. Big deal. Lots of guys are hot but you don't keep bringing _them_ up. Maybe you should be the one dating him."

"Don't think I haven't thought about asking him out."

Logan's face swung over to Kendall in surprise. "You...really?"

"No," Kendall laughed, "not really. But your reaction tells me a lot. You wouldn't like me dating him."

"Of course I wouldn't. I don't want my best friend with an asshole."

"Because you want the asshole for yourself."

"Shut up, I want nothing to do with him. And that's not a lie, Kendall. I really don't want anything to do with him."

"Okay. But if I did ask him out, would you freak?"

Logan considered it. "I don't know. Maybe. Do you think he's gay?"

"Maybe. You haven't been around him much, so you probably haven't seen it, but sometimes I think he's into guys."

"Does he want Carlos, you think?"

"Nah. I think he wants you."

Logan rolled his eyes. "He'd probably use me to get to you. He's a jerk like that."

"Logan, you haven't talked to him in five years!"

"Four."

"If he—Jesus, four, fine, whatever! If he was a jerk back then, okay, but people change. They grow up. Give the guy a fucking chance!"

"No. I don't have to. He ruined his chances four years ago and that's all there is to it. I don't need his shit."

"You're being ridiculous."

"I don't care! The way he treated me was ridiculous, and it was uncalled for and there was no reason for it but he did it anyway so fuck him! I'm not letting him do that to me again!" Logan stood up, fuming and ignoring Kendall's bugged-out eyes.

"Dude, what the hell happened between you two?"

"Nothing! Nothing happened between us! I swear to God, Kendall, if you're gonna keep bringing him up every five seconds I won't hang out with you anymore. Just let it go, okay?"

"Fine, alright, calm down!" Kendall raised his body from the ground and dusted off his pants, then laid an arm over Logan's shoulders. "It's no big deal, we won't talk about him anymore. I just wish you'd tell me why you hate him so much. And don't tell me it's nothing, when you use the 'F' word I know it's something."

"Just drop it. Please. There's really nothing to tell you, don't you think I would have told you back then if there was something?"

"Yeah, I guess. I've just never seen you get so worked up over a person before. It's kind of scary."

"Just..." Logan shook his head. "I'm done talking about it. He means nothing to me and isn't worth my time or energy, so let me live my life without having to think about him every five seconds."

"Okay. Done. I won't bring him up again."

"Good. Thank you."

"But if I date him..."

"Wait, you were serious about that?"

"No, not really. I just like watching your reaction when I say it. You can tell me a million times it's nothing, but you don't like the idea of me dating him."

"I told you. I don't want my friend dating a jerk."

"Uh huh. Sure. But okay, dropping it now. And Shannon's still looking at you."

Sighing again, Logan turned to smile at her. She waved and called out that she'd see him after school, and he nodded.

"Yeah. She definitely has a crush on you again."

"But it's her boyfriend I want," Logan said quietly with a smirk.

"Yeah, you and me both. Sucks being gay, doesn't it?"

"Sometimes...yeah."

"And don't take this wrong," Kendall began as the bell rang and they moved toward the buildings, "but you're hot, too. Like smoking hot."

Logan's eyes widened. "Why would you say something like that?"

"Because it's true and you need to hear it. You don't realize how gorgeous you are. I get why Shannon's got a thing for you."

"I...Kendall, do you um...have a thing for me?"

"No, but that doesn't mean I don't find you hot."

"Wow. You're not just saying that? I'm nerdy and short and my hair sticks up funny and-"

"And you're gorgeous. Trust me."

"Okay. Then I guess I should tell you that you're pretty hot, too."

Kendall laughed, pulling Logan into the building and toward their lockers. "You don't have to say that just because I did."

"No, I'm totally serious. You are incredibly sexy and I don't know why you don't have a girlfriend yet. Oh wait, yes I do. You don't _want_ a girlfriend."

After grabbing the books he'd need for the afternoon, Kendall slammed his locker closed. "Nope. But a boyfriend...that I'd take."

"Yeah, that would be nice. So we're both gay and we find each other attractive? I feel like that should mean something."

"I guess it could, but it would be weird. I've never looked at you and wondered what it would be like to kiss you, you know?"

"Exactly. Though of course now I'm wondering because you said it."

Laughing again, Kendall stopped walking and without warning, his lips were on Logan's. It was brief, and it was shocking (both to Logan and those walking by), but it was done before he had a chance to even think about it.

"There," Kendall smiled. "Now you know."

"Are you crazy? Everyone's staring."

"So what? Let them think what they want. Besides, there's not even anybody down here now."

But there was. Logan felt it then, the eyes on him, burning into him in a way that no other eyes had ever burned. His head swung to the left and the shock on James' face sent a bolt of satisfaction through him. A petty part of himself that he didn't recognize had him dragging Kendall close again for another kiss, this one longer and deeper, and when he pulled back James was gone. The bolt became a surge, triumph bringing a huge grin to his face as Kendall stared down at him with wide eyes.

"What the hell was that? Are you sure there's nothing else you want to tell me?"

"Nope," Logan beamed. "Just had to get that out of my system, you know? First kiss and all."

"Right. Well. Damn. You ever want to practice, you know where to find me."

Logan laughed, sliding an arm around Kendall's waist as they moved away from the lockers and back into the main hallway. "We're better as friends."

"I know that, but damn. You've got magic lips."

"Yeah?"

"Hell yeah."

"Cool." It was one more thing James Diamond would never get to experience, and that kept Logan smiling the rest of the day.

That was the third time Logan Mitchell broke James Diamond's heart.

* * *

Carlos cornered them after school, catching them as they were saying goodbye near the hockey building. "Is it true?" he asked, running up to them. "Are you guys dating?"

"No, we're not dating," Kendall answered truthfully.

"I knew it was a lie. James said he saw you guys kissing. Why would he lie about that?"

Logan smirked. "Oh, well that part's true."

"What?! You guys kissed?! Why?"

With a shrug Kendall answered, "Because we wanted to. We were wondering what it would be like to kiss each other."

"So just like that, you kissed?"

Kendall nodded. "Pretty much, yeah."

"Since when are you guys gay?"

"Since forever, I guess." Logan shifted his backpack higher on his shoulder, squinting up at Kendall in the sunlight. "How long did you say you've known?"

"A while now," Kendall answered. To Carlos he said, "We just kind of came out to each other today. It's not like we were lying to you or hiding it."

"It's cool, I just didn't know. And I wondered how James did."

"Yeah, how _does_ he know?" Kendall glanced down at Logan.

Logan merely shrugged. "He must've been around or something."

"All he said was he saw you guys kissing at lunch," Carlos supplied.

"Well, we're not dating." Kendall cut his eyes to Logan. "We're not, are we?"

"No," Logan smiled. "We agreed, we're better as friends."

"Yeah," Kendall nodded. "I still want Jack."

"But Jack's taken," Logan reminded him.

"So go steal Shannon away, then I get Jack."

"Why should you get Jack?"

"Because it's easier for you to steal Shannon than me."

"I'll tell you what," Carlos suggested, breaking into their ridiculousness. "How about I steal Shannon, and you two fight over Jack?"

Kendall pursed his lips, then shook his head. "Nah. Logan can have him."

"I think he'd have a say in this. And his say would probably be neither of us, since he likes girls."

"Yeah, that sucks for you guys," Carlos commented. "But hey. I'd get Shannon out of it!"

They all laughed, Logan patting Kendall on the back before stepping away. "Have a good practice, guys."

"We miss you, dude," Carlos said. "You should come back."

"I've got too much to do now anyway with the tutoring. But I miss you guys, too."

"Will you at least come to games?"

When Logan hesitated, Kendall jumped in. "You've got time for the games, Logan. You have no life on Friday nights."

"Thanks for the reminder."

"It wasn't an insult. Your Friday nights are already set aside for the games, anyway. Are you gonna tell me my best friend won't be there to cheer me on?"

The guilt trip worked, just like Kendall knew it would. Logan hated Kendall for knowing him so well. "Yeah yeah, I'll be at the games. I gotta get going, guys. Talk to you later."

"Don't pick up any stray guys along the way," Carlos teased.

Logan chuckled and turned away, walking right into James in the process and almost stumbling.

"Whoa there," James smiled, bracing Logan with hands on his shoulders. "You okay?"

And damn if that smile wasn't more beautiful than it had ever been. Logan rolled his eyes and moved past James, shaking slightly.

"Dude, what's your problem with me? What did I ever do to you?"

"Nothing!" Logan called back, and that right there, he thought, was the problem. Without a backward glance, Logan stormed away from the building.

For the fourth time, Logan Mitchell broke James Diamond's heart.

But unlike Logan, who had the power to switch off his emotions at will (and with enough determination), James wasn't capable of letting go.


	3. Chapter 3

As Logan was still unsure a few days later what to do about Shannon's infatuation with him, he approached the library hesitantly. She was one of his best friends, but somehow had missed the fact that he preferred guys. And okay, maybe Logan hadn't made it obvious or expressed any interest verbally, but Kendall had figured it out on his own-or at least suspected. Then again, Kendall had good reason to recognize it in someone else.

As much as Logan enjoyed the time spent with Shannon, he knew it couldn't continue in this manner because he might be giving her false hope. Maybe today was the day he needed to come clean, just admit to Shannon that his interests laid elsewhere and hope she would still accept his offer of friendship. After all, didn't she already have a boyfriend? Who flirted with another guy when they were dating the hottest guy in school anyway?

 _Second hottest_ , his brain tossed at him. _No one even comes close to Diamond, not when he saunters into the cafeteria in that black leather jacket and the sunlight catches his long dark hair just right and his eyes sparkle because Carlos just said something funny and-_

"Logan."

Immediately blushing as the voice called him out of his reverie (no thanks to his traitorous brain), Logan cleared his throat and smiled at the head of the tutoring department. "Hey, Mr. Jackson. Sorry I'm late, I stayed after class to help-"

"It's fine," Mr. Jackson interrupted, waving a dismissive hand before pushing his glasses up higher on his nose. "I need you to take a new student, he's hopeless at math and I don't think anyone else is capable of getting through to him. He's not stupid, he just doesn't quite get algebra. He said he wanted the best."

"Oh." Surprised, Logan added, "But I work with Shannon, she's really coming along on her chemistry and I'd hate to-"

"I set Shannon up with Laurie. She'll do fine."

Torn between relief over the reprieve from having to deal with Shannon and disappointment because that had been their only real time to talk, Logan shrugged. "Okay. What table is he at?"

"Five."

Hiking his backpack higher on his shoulder, Logan worked his way between tables and chairs that were too close together, and hung a right at a row of books only to stop dead in his tracks. "No."

The head of dark hair currently bent over a book suddenly lifted, hazel eyes boring into darker brown ones. "Hey, Logan."

"No," Logan repeated, spinning on his heel.

"Dude, please. I really need help!"

"Find it elsewhere."

Logan heard James scrambling behind him, the sound of a chair scooting over worn carpet and footsteps that he couldn't get away from fast enough approaching. He quickened his pace until he'd reached Mr. Jackson, who glanced up in surprise from the desk he was seated at.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Jackson, I can't do tutoring anymore."

"You can't...what?"

"Logan, will you please just-"

Ignoring the plea from behind him (as well as the tall body he could practically feel inches from his own), Logan spoke again. "I can't tutor anymore. I'm sorry. Too much pressure from my classes, I just don't have the time."

By then other students were aware of the conversation, Shannon in particular listening closely with her eyes narrowed.

A hand fell on his shoulder from behind and Logan shrugged it off angrily. "I'm sorry," he said once more to a bewildered Mr. Jackson, not even slowing when his name was called again by James.

James was dead to him now.

* * *

Logan had completed most of his homework by the time Kendall burst into his bedroom in a whirl of motion, throwing open the door so hard it would have smacked into Logan's desk had he not reached out a hand quickly to stop it.

"You almost smashed my desk."

"Good thing you've got great reflexes then, isn't it? What the fuck is going on with you?"

Logan watched Kendall toss his backpack onto the bed and run a hand through his hair before closing the door more gently and turning to face Logan, who scolded, "Keep your voice down, Mom doesn't like it when we cuss."

"I don't give a fuck about that right now. I stopped by the library after practice to see if you were still there, and Jackson said you quit. You quit tutoring? What the hell, Logan? You love tutoring! Did something happen with Shannon?"

"No, I wasn't even working with her anymore, and it's no big deal." Logan swiveled his chair back toward the desk, picking up his pen again and rereading what he'd written last.

"It _is_ a big deal, because you've quit three things you love in less than a week." When Logan continued to stare at his notebook, Kendall plucked the pen from his fingers and bent down to swivel the chair his way so that Logan could no longer ignore him. "Dude, talk to me. What's going on with you? Is it because I kissed you? Did that bother you so much?"

"Kendall, no," Logan sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. "You know why I quit choir and hockey, and you know I don't want to talk about it."

"It's ridiculous, Logan. You can't let one person keep you from the things you love. You could have a career in music, or even hockey! You still have those reflexes, I saw the way you caught the door that just flew at you. Admit it, you miss hockey."

"You know I don't have any interest in either of those as a career."

"So what? Does that mean you can't have fun with them now?"

"Of course I can. There's a piano right downstairs in the living room whenever I feel like playing, and didn't we already agree I'd practice hockey with you on the weekends? You're making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. I'm not missing out on anything."

"Yeah you are, because the team misses you. Carlos misses you, when does he ever see you now?"

"We have a class together and-"

"And you get to talk for maybe two minutes before the teacher shows up. It's not fair to him."

"Look, it's his choice to hang out with Diamond. I don't hold that against him, they were friends for a long time so I understand that he wants to-"

"Carlos misses you," Kendall repeated softly, kneeling now in front of the desk chair. He rested his hands on Logan's knees and searched his face earnestly. "Don't you miss him at all?"

"Of course I do," Logan admitted, letting out a long sigh. "But things are different now."

"Because you made them different."

"Because Diamond came back," Logan argued, an edge to his voice.

"If you'd just-"

"Stop it!" Logan pushed up from the chair and shoved it back far enough that he could walk away from Kendall. "I'm sick of talking about him, sick of seeing his face, sick of thinking about him at all. Everywhere I go, he's there, and I can't get away from him. I'm sick of my whole life changing because of him."

"But Logan, it doesn't have to change," Kendall reasoned. "You're the one making it that way. All you have to do is tell him you're not interested in talking to him at all, which I'm sure he is more than aware of, and you two can co-exist in silence. Just ignore each other. But don't let him take away everything you love."

"It's not that easy, Kendall." Back still turned to him, Logan crossed his arms over his chest. "He's not someone you can just...ignore."

"Oh?" Kendall asked, and without even looking Logan could picture the expression on Kendall's face-arched eyebrow, a hint of a smirk, and knowing green eyes. Sometimes Logan hated that his best friend knew him so well.

"Look, I told you. I'm done." Logan spun back around, catching the exact expression on Kendall's face he'd expected. "I'm not going to talk about him or think about him, and if you insist on repeatedly bringing him up, I'll have to lose one more thing I love."

The smirk died away, Kendall's face morphing into shock mixed with a hurt so deep it shamed Logan. "Logan...come on. You don't mean that. Please tell me you don't mean that."

"I quit tutoring because of him; you know how much I love that, because not only am I helping people but I was able to spend time with Shannon. I had to give her up."

"And you gave up Carlos. So this is it? I'm next?"

The thought of living a life without Kendall in it brought terror to life inside Logan, but he shrugged. "That's up to you. You're not someone I ever want to lose."

"Then don't," Kendall said softly. He stood and approached Logan as if afraid to get too close, lest Logan disappear on him. When Logan didn't back away, Kendall used one hand to card gentle fingers through his hair, the other to tilt his face up. "Who else am I gonna practice kissing with?"

Logan chuckled but didn't fight it when Kendall's lips settled over his, allowing Kendall to deepen the kiss until tongues were touching and Logan was returning the invasion. Kissing was definitely something Logan had decided he loved, and he was disappointed when Kendall brought it to a halt to whisper, "Come back to hockey."

"I can't."

"He's not there anymore. He quit the team today."

"Why?" Logan managed, head in a fog from the kiss he could still feel.

"Don't know. But he's gone now, and I could either beg him to come back or beg you. You're my best friend, so I'm asking you first. Please, Logan. You're the best goalie I've seen in all the years we played hockey. We need you."

Logan licked his lips and thought it over; he did miss it, but the probability that James would decide to rejoin the team now that he'd been rebuffed at tutoring was high.

"Logan?"

"Kiss me again and I'll think it over."

A grin stretched Kendall's mouth wide before he did, this time more aggressive with it so that Logan's mouth was explored thoroughly before he let up again. "You love kissing," Kendall teased. "Don't give that up, too."

"So long as Diamond comes nowhere near my mouth, I don't see that as a problem," Logan joked, but then the vision of just that hit him, of James' face bearing down on his the way Kendall's had and James' tongue teasing his and those teeth, those perfect white and even teeth scraping his lip...

Forcibly shaking that thought free, Logan dragged Kendall to him again for a kiss that was equal parts angry and desperate.

"Fuck, Logan," Kendall breathed when they'd broken apart. "You sure you don't want to date me?"

A shaky laugh escaped Logan. "Sorry. I think right now I'm just...a lot. Dealing with a lot."

"It's okay. Just don't push me away. Whether you like it or not, you need me. We need each other. And I'm not going to choose him over you, okay?"

Understanding suddenly that it had been a niggling fear at the back of his own mind, Logan nodded and hugged Kendall tight. "Let me deal with this my way. You can tell me over and over that it was years ago and he's changed and all of that, but you didn't live through what I did. You can't understand what I'm feeling."

"Then explain it to me."

"I'm done thinking about it."

"Then think about hockey. Come back, Logan."

Logan sighed, frustrated. "Give it a few more days. I'll consider it."

"Good." Kendall leaned down for one more kiss, this one brief. "I gotta get home or Mom will kill me for missing dinner. See you tomorrow."

Logan nodded, waiting for the door to close before allowing his fingers to trace his lips, which were still tingly. He was a little angry at Kendall for opening his mind to that vision, for giving him the capacity to know what it would feel like if James kissed him.

But none of that mattered. James was still dead to him.

* * *

The following day Logan returned to the library after school, the idea having occurred to him that James probably wouldn't come back after yesterday's scene. Mostly he felt the need to apologize again to Mr. Jackson, who was probably as baffled by his behavior as the choir teacher had been, and when he approached the desk it was with hands in pocket and a rueful expression on his face.

"Hey, Mr. Jackson."

"Logan! Oh, thank god. Please tell me you changed your mind about tutoring."

"I..."

A familiar laugh floated to him and he tensed. With a sigh, he shook his head. "Sorry. I just wanted to apologize for the way I handled it yesterday. Like I said, I'm under a lot of pressure right now and I just need more time for my own homework."

Mr. Jackson nodded in sympathy. "Already looking at universities, aren't you? Always thinking ahead. Well, we'll miss you here, but do what you need to do. And if you ever have a free day, drop in. We can still use you. I think Shannon's doing okay with the new student, but you'd probably be less likely to flirt," he added with a roll of his eyes.

"Shannon? I thought she was working with Laurie."

"She's good in math so I stuck her with the student you were supposed to work with."

Logan spun around fast, gaze zeroing in on the table he'd heard James' laughter from-sure enough, Shannon was there sitting much closer than necessary to James, who at that moment glanced up to meet Logan's eyes. His cheeks immediately flushed, attention quickly returning to the textbook when he realized Logan was watching him.

"Unbelievable," Logan muttered, anger simmering beneath the surface at the thought of Shannon dating James. It didn't matter that Logan wasn't interested in her, it was that she would be one more person he'd have to avoid if that was the case. "I gotta get new friends," he said under his breath, then turned back to Mr. Jackson. "I'm sure he'll be fine with her. I need to get home, Mr. Jackson. But I'll drop in here and there when I can if you need me to."

"Anytime, Logan," Mr. Jackson nodded. "Please."

Another titter of laughter floated to him, this time Shannon's, and with an inner sigh Logan glanced back to the table again. Shannon was leaning into James' space, her pencil erasing something in his notebook, but James' gaze locked to Logan's; Shannon seemed oblivious to the fact that Logan was even in the room.

"Whatever," he mumbled, nodding at Mr. Jackson and making his way toward the library's exit at a fast pace, wanting to put as much distance as he could between himself and James. He was brought up short by a body rounding a corner and almost crashing into him.

"Whoa, sorry," the tall guy blurted, then his face morphed into a grin. "Hey, Logan, aren't you going the wrong way?"

"Hi," Logan managed, breath catching at the way Jack's blue eyes roamed his face. "No, I uh...quit. Tutoring. Shannon's in there working with a new student."

"Not Diamond." At the look on Logan's face, Jack sighed. "I swear that guy's trying to steal her from me. Why does he have to be so hot?"

One of Logan's eyebrows shot up. "You think James is hot?"

"What? No! No, I just mean...well. You know. Girls think he's hot."

"Right," Logan said slowly, studying Jack more intently. "Girls think you're hot too, you know. I don't think you have anything to worry about."

"Oh?"

Jack's smirk reminded Logan just a bit of Kendall, making him relax. "Yeah. I uh...I've heard talk."

"Really?" Jack grinned, arms crossing over his chest as his smile widened, reminding Logan even more of Kendall with its predatory nature. "What sort of talk?"

"You know. Just the usual girl stuff. That your blue eyes are dreamy and your black hair looks so soft and wavy, and your lips..." Logan swallowed, remembering a conversation he and Kendall had shared earlier about Jack. "Your lips look like you'd be a really great kisser."

"I see. And uh...girls say this, do they?"

Realizing Jack suspected exactly who had said that last part, Logan blushed and dropped his gaze. "You know how girls are," he mumbled, face hot.

"I do," Jack nodded, amusement lacing his words so that Logan wanted to run, but then Jack asked, "Why didn't you ever date Shannon, Logan? She told me she had a massive crush on you for years, and you two were like best friends. You never had a thing for her?"

Why did Jack have to stand so close and be so confident and smell so good? "No. No, I've always thought of her as a friend. One of the best, though."

"Yeah, she's a good person. So how true are the rumors that you're dating Knight?"

Logan's eyes widened in shock as he looked up at Jack's face. "Kendall? People are saying I'm dating Kendall?"

"I heard you guys kissed in the hall. Not my business, of course, but...can't help but wonder."

Jack's voice was just flirty enough to make Logan's heart beat faster, and he wondered if there was something he'd been missing about Jack all these years. "We're not dating. He's my best friend. That's all."

Jack nodded slowly, that predatory gaze back again. "Good to know. Did you say you quit tutoring?"

"Yeah. A lot going on."

That slow, considering nod made Logan squirm, and when Jack spoke next it was in a silky voice that had Logan biting his lip. "Too bad. I could use some help in chemistry. Shannon says you're good with that."

Face flushing again but this time his body joining in as well, Logan licked his lips. "I might find some time here and there. If you're interested."

There was another eyebrow raise from Jack. "I might look you up. Catch you later, Logan."

Logan's heart stopped at the shoulder squeeze as Jack walked by. "Bye."

Once Jack had moved past him, Logan rushed for the exit, feet automatically taking him to the school's hockey rink and the safety of Kendall. Confused and already beginning to think he'd read too much into Jack's words, Logan needed a sane person to talk to.

Kendall was of course already on the ice, chasing a puck around while the rest of the team slowly trickled out of the locker room. Logan took the bench closest to the boards, relieved when Kendall caught sight of him and rushed over.

"Dude!" Kendall beamed. "You came back!"

"No, don't get excited. I just need to talk."

"Bullshit. Get out here on the ice."

"No, Kendall, really. I'm just gonna hang out here until you're ready to go."

"I thought you were headed back to tutoring. What happened?"

"Diamond. But that's not...I don't care about that right now." Feeling like he'd burst if he didn't get it out, Logan dragged Kendall down onto the bench next to him. "Jack was just flirting with me," he hissed.

"Hot Jack?" Kendall asked in surprise.

"Yes! Maybe I'm crazy, maybe he wasn't, but it felt like it. He asked if you and I are dating."

"Oh. Shit. Sorry about that, dude. I didn't mean to-"

"It's fine, I told him we're not."

"But isn't he dating Shannon?"

"Yeah, but I think she's into Diamond now and Jack senses it. I don't know, I'm so confused, the way he said things and the way he was looking at me and fuck, Kendall, those eyes and his hair and-"

"Logan!"

Logan looked up just in time to avoid being knocked backward off the bench by an excited Carlos, who skated right into him with a bear hug that was made more awkward by the padding he was covered in.

"You're back!"

"Hey," Logan grinned. "Not back, just hanging out at practice."

"That's stupid, you belong on the ice. Get out there."

"That's what I told him," Kendall hinted. "He's stubborn. It's not like you're doing anything else, Logan."

"Shut up. Not today, I'm...I can't..."

Understanding that Logan was hesitant to speak freely in front of Carlos, Kendall nodded. "Tomorrow, then. I'm not giving up."

"I'm not either," Carlos agreed. "Come on, buddy, you know you miss it. And we miss you. I lost both you _and_ James, it's not fair, man."

"You still have James," Logan pointed out. "Just not on the ice."

"Still. It's not the same, we're better as a team. All four of us."

"Carlos, we have never been a team. _All four of us._ Give up on that, it's never gonna happen."

"Why do you have to be so stubborn? Kendall, why is he so stubborn?"

"Because he's an ass," Kendall grinned. "Don't worry, Carlos, I'll make him come around. Get out there and practice with Patterson. He needs to work on actually stopping pucks that come flying toward the net."

"Fine. Logan, you'd better come back to the team so we can win, or I'll kick your ass."

"Told you he misses you," Kendall smiled, watching Carlos skate over to join Patterson. "Seriously, come back."

"I told you, I'm thinking about it. How fast can you get out of here? I really need to talk about Jack."

"I'll go an hour, cut it short today. Everybody was whining about homework, anyway. You're sure he was flirting with you? I've never gotten a gay vibe off him."

"Neither have I, but how much time have we really spent with him, Kendall? Today was the most I've talked to him since...who knows? Maybe third grade when we worked on a project together?"

"Yeah, who knew he'd end up so hot? But why would he flirt with you if he's got a girlfriend?"

"I don't know. We'll talk about it later, just get practice going so you can hurry up and end it."

"Fine," Kendall laughed. "You know you miss it," he singsonged as he skated onto the ice.

Logan chuckled, but as he watched his buddies on the ice (and Patterson fumbling around so badly it made him wince), he couldn't argue the point—he really did miss it.


	4. Chapter 4

It seemed forever before the three of them reached Carlos' house on the walk home, but Logan would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy the time spent with his two best friends. He even managed to keep the insults to a minimum when Carlos insisted on bringing up James a few times, Kendall smoothly steering the conversation to safer waters without Carlos even being aware of it. They hugged him goodbye at the house, Logan declining the offer to go inside and say hello to his mother but passing on a greeting to her through Carlos, and once they were alone he was finally able to spill it all.

He explained about visiting the library with the intention of speaking to Mr. Jackson and hopefully returning to the tutoring program, and how the presence of James had squashed that idea. He told Kendall with a bit of sadness about the way Shannon had acted about James, and insisted that his interest in Shannon was nothing romantic; his issue with her flirting with James was due to the fact that it was James and nothing more. He took his time describing the interaction with Jack, though, going over it a few times at Kendall's prompting and explaining nuances and tones and vibes he'd received throughout the entire meeting.

By the time he'd gone through it a third time, Logan and Kendall were shut away in Logan's room in their usual formation—Logan sitting at his desk with the chair swiveled to face Kendall, who was sitting with legs crossed on Logan's bed with a bag of chips on his lap.

"So, what do you think? Am I making too much of this?"

Kendall finished chewing the handful of chips he'd shoved into his mouth, using the time to consider his answer. "Honestly, I can't be sure," he finally said. "I wasn't there. But it sounds like he was definitely flirting. Dude, you're so lucky. He's the hottest thing walking those halls."

Logan still disagreed on the last point, but kept those thoughts to himself. "But I don't understand why. I know he likes Shannon, she was always telling me how great he is to her."

"Maybe he's confused. Experimenting. Maybe he's been curious for awhile and is finally finding the courage to do something about it."

"Okay, but I can't lose Shannon over this. She'd hate me if I messed around with her boyfriend."

"If the way you described her flirting with James is accurate, I'd say that won't be a problem much longer anyway," Kendall shrugged. "And there's nothing wrong with flirting. That's not cheating. You can do that with him in the meantime, right?"

"I don't know, it would still feel wrong. But he's so hot!"

Kendall laughed, nodding. "You're a lucky little shit," he said again. "I wonder why you, though. What's so wrong with me?"

"Nothing," Logan said honestly. "I certainly wouldn't flirt with me over you. You're hot, too."

"Why thank you, Logan. But so are you. I know you don't believe that, but there's a quiet hotness about you. It's subtle. Maybe Shannon has talked about you enough to open his eyes."

"Or maybe he's just curious like you said and when he heard about us kissing, he decided I'd be an easy target."

"True. I can be intimidating."

"You can," Logan agreed. "So what do I do? If he does get in touch?"

Kendall shrugged. "Figure out what he's after. If it's something you're not comfortable with because of Shannon, be up front about it. He should understand that you don't want to hurt her."

"But do I tell her about it, then? I would want you to tell me if my boyfriend was making moves on you."

"You know Shannon better than I do. Would she want to know?"

Logan considered that while reaching out for the bag of chips. "I think so. Yeah, she would."

"There's your answer, then." Kendall passed over his drink while accepting the bag back, watching Logan down a few swallows. "I'm torn about this whole thing."

"Torn?"

"Yeah. If you end up with a boyfriend, that means I have to go out and find a real guy to make out with. Because I want to do that, I can't stop thinking about it ever since kissing you."

"Right?" Logan replied, relieved he wasn't the only one. "Stupid raging hormones. Why do teenagers have to be so horny anyway?"

"It's annoying. How often do you jack off? No pun intended," Kendall grinned, taking back the can.

"Kendall!" Logan hissed. "Are you really asking me that?"

"Oh my god, you're so cute," Kendall laughed. "Your face is all red. But I'm curious. Is it normal to do it every night, or is that too much?"

"I think it's about average for our age, especially since we kissed. It's natural to be more curious after kissing a few times. Why don't you ask a guy out?"

"I don't know, there's not really anyone I'm attracted to that would want to date a guy. There's Jack, but he obviously has his eyes on you. And then there's James, but I can't figure out if he's gay or just pretty."

"Plus I'd kill you if you dated him."

"Seriously?" Kendall sighed. "Because he's really hot."

"I told you, I'm not losing you to him."

"Actually, _I'm_ the one who told _you_ that."

"Fine, but you're not dating James."

"Only because you want him for yourself," Kendall teased.

"I do not! He's an asshole. I don't care how beautiful he is, he doesn't deserve a moment of my time or attention. All I ever wanted in grade school was for him to look at me, and instead he hated me for no reason. Fuck him."

"Ha! I knew it!" Tossing the chips aside, Kendall rubbed his hands together and leaned forward. "Now we're getting somewhere. You had a crush on him."

"It wasn't a crush."

"It so was! When did it start, the talent show?"

"No."

"Logan, come on. You know you can tell me anything."

"There's nothing to tell, Kendall. I never had a crush on him."

"Fine. When did you first start wanting him to...look at you, then."

"It doesn't matter. He never did, except to glare at me, so it's not even worth-"

"When, Logan?"

"Never. Can we just-"

"When?"

"Kendall, there wasn't-"

" _When?"_

"The playground!" Logan exploded. "The playground right after I moved here. The day we met him and Carlos. Okay? Are you happy now?"

Kendall thought back to that day, vague memories of monkey bars and backflips assaulting him. "Ohhhhhhh. The day I caught Carlos. I'd forgotten about that. Didn't you kiss him or something?"

"I did not kiss him! It was CPR, or what I knew of it."

"Carlos said it looked like a kiss. Maybe that's why he didn't like you at school. Maybe he thought you were trying to kiss him."

Logan sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. "I was eight. I thought I was doing proper CPR. Now I'd know that wasn't necessary, because James was talking to me and breathing just fine. I was eight, Kendall. How was I supposed to know? I was just trying to help."

Kendall shrugged again. "Maybe you should ask him about it."

"I already told you, I'm not giving him even a second of my time. He broke my heart enough times back then, I'm not putting myself in a position for him to do it again."

"He's grown up a lot, you know," Kendall pressed.

"It doesn't matter. Why are we even talking about him?" Logan complained, annoyed. "We were talking about you and why you haven't asked anyone out yet."

"Well, I didn't think there was a need to. I had you. But I probably won't for long."

"Kendall, it was two minutes in a library. Which I might have misinterpreted as way more than it was. Is there really no one else you find attractive?"

"Besides Jack and James and you?" Kendall shrugged again, uncomfortable under Logan's scrutiny. "No one who would want me like that."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, there might be someone, but he's not gay. We don't even know if James and Jack are."

"You're sure? About the not-gay thing?"

"Positive. So for now it's not worth thinking about, not until I find someone who flirts back. Hey, maybe I should go talk to Jack," Kendall grinned, winking at Logan.

"I saw him first," Logan warned, but he was grinning as well. "And again, it's probably nothing, he probably-" A chime from his computer cut him off, Logan spinning to face the desk. "Hang on, it's one of the students I tutor. Or used to."

"There's a chat program for tutoring?"

"Yeah. An internal thing set up by the school, it's safer than exchanging numbers. When you sign up for tutoring, you're assigned a number, and...oh my god. Holy shit," Logan whispered, eyes widening at the name that had popped up above the chat window. "Kendall, holy shit!"

"What? Is it James?" Kendall slid off the bed and dragged over the kitchen chair they kept in the room just for him. He took a seat and gasped when his eyes settled on the words "Jack Thomas has requested a chat session." "What the...Jack's in tutoring?"

"Not since last year. That's how he met Shannon, she tutored him in math. Holy shit, Kendall! What do I say?"

"Well accept the chat first, dork!"

"Oh. Right." Nervous now, Logan cleared his throat and did just that, biting his lip when he saw the simple hello from Jack. "Maybe he just wants to apologize for giving me the wrong signal earlier."

"You'll never know if you don't answer back." Kendall leaned closer and typed something, ignoring Logan's outraged hisses. "Relax, all I said was hi. Let's see what he says."

Their eyes glued to the box in the upper right corner of the screen, both Kendall and Logan waited in silence for what seemed an eternity before another message appeared.

 _Jack: How are you?_

Logan licked his lips, still nervous. "What do I say?"

"Dude, relax," Kendall laughed. "What would you say in person?"

"Oh. Right. He makes me so nervous! He's so hot!"

Logan took a calming breath before typing.

 _Logan: Good. What's up?_

 _Jack: Not much._

There was nothing further. "Okay. Now what?"

Kendall stole the keyboard again.

 _Logan: Did you decide you're interested?_

"Kendall, what the hell?" Logan spluttered, face splotched with red. "I would never say that! Oh my god, give me the keyboard back."

"Well, you weren't saying anything. And don't act like you don't want to know."

"But I would never say that, you can't just ask someone outright if they're interested, especially someone you're not even sure was flirting. He'll probably never speak to me again, and he'll tell Shannon and-"

A chime interrupted him again, both sets of eyes rooted to the screen.

 _Jack: Shannon and I broke up._

Kendall raised a hand to cover his mouth over the excited sound that wanted to break free.

"Holy shit," was all Logan could manage.

"Dude! He's so into you!"

"Not necessarily, I mean-"

"Logan, stop fighting it. He's into you, okay? Answer him or I will."

"Okay, okay. Hold on. Let me think." Once Logan was more calm, he composed a reply.

 _Logan: I'm sorry to hear that. Was it her decision?_

 _Jack: It was kind of mutual. I think she's into that James guy._

 _Logan: I'm sorry. He's an asshole._

 _Jack: Well, it's not all on him. She was flirting like crazy when I went over to the table._

 _Logan: Don't defend him, he's an asshole._

 _Jack: What's your problem with him?_

 _Logan: Long story. Not worth talking about._

There was no immediate reply to that, Logan glancing over at Kendall. "Wow. I can't believe they broke up."

"Yeah. Guess you called that right."

"It sucks. I feel bad for Jack."

"Yeah. But don't hate James for this, you said yourself she was the one encouraging him."

"I know, and that kind of pisses me off. She should've broken it off with Jack if she was into someone else. Jack's being too quiet, I hope he's not sitting over there crying or something."

"You could totally use this to your advantage, Logan. You could be his shoulder to cry on."

"I'm not taking advantage of this, Kendall. I'm not going to be someone's rebound."

"You could be his experiment instead. Come on, you know you'd kill to kiss those lips."

"Maybe," Logan conceded, ignoring his brain's assertion that there was someone else's lips he'd rather kiss. "I hate James."

"What? We weren't even talking about him."

"Still. I hate him. He ruins everything. Jack's so broken up he can hardly talk."

Kendall shifted the keyboard closer again, typing before Logan could stop him.

 _Logan: You okay?_

 _Jack: Yeah. Just taking this hard._

 _Logan: I'm here if you need someone to talk to._

 _Jack: Thanks. Can you keep a secret?_

"This is it. He's gonna tell me he's curious." Logan shoved Kendall aside to type the next answer.

 _Logan: I can. You can tell me anything and it won't leave this chat. I promise._

"Kendall, you can't repeat anything he says to me. Ever."

"Swear," Kendall nodded, eyes glued to the screen.

 _Jack: I thought of you this summer._

Logan's breath caught. "Oh my god." When Kendall reached for the keyboard again, Logan smacked his hands. "No way. This is all me." He went with his gut, fighting his natural shyness.

 _Logan: You did? When?_

 _Jack: I was camping with my parents. Remember that song you played at the talent show in fifth grade?_

 _Logan: Of course. It was one of my dad's favorites._

 _Jack: Was?_

 _Logan: He passed away when I was little._

 _Jack: I never knew that. I'm sorry._

 _Logan: Thanks. So what about the song?_

 _Jack: It came up on my shuffle, and I was sitting by a campfire staring into it and the song came on and I thought of you. It was beautiful, with all the stars above me and the fire and everything. It's a nice song._

 _Logan: It is. You have it on your phone?_

 _Jack: Yeah. Ever since the talent show. I liked it that much. You deserved to win._

 _Logan: Thanks, Jack. I didn't even want to enter that talent show, Shannon and Kendall made me do it. I almost backed out after James Diamond performed, he was incredible._

 _Jack: Was he? I barely remember that. What did he do?_

 _Logan: He sang a Beatles song. He's got a great voice, I'll give him that. Too bad he's a jerk._

 _Jack: You sure you don't want to tell me why you hate him?_

 _Logan: It doesn't matter. Are you and Shannon still talking?_

 _Jack: I don't know. I guess we'll see how tomorrow goes._

 _Logan: Yeah. Well, like I said, if you ever need to talk, I'm here._

 _Jack: Thanks. Are you sure there's no way you'll go back to tutoring?_

 _Logan: No. I'm done with that for the time being. But if you ever need help, let me know._

 _Jack: Sure. How well would you be able to tutor me over the computer?_

 _Logan: I don't know. It depends on what the subject is, I suppose. You mentioned you were interested in chemistry with me?_

Next to him, Kendall grinned. "Nice one."

Logan chuckled, proud of himself for that line. "Now to see if I was right or way off base."

 _Jack: I did say that. I'll be honest, though, I wasn't referring to schoolwork when I said that._

"Oh god," Logan breathed, reaching out to squeeze Kendall's arm. "You were right. He's into me."

"Told you!" Kendall's fingers flew over the keys before Logan could stop him.

 _Logan: I was hoping that was the case. It's mutual._

"Kendall, I'm going to kill you. You don't just-"

"Will you shut up and read his answer?"

Logan did, his heart racing at the reply.

 _Jack: I've always thought you were gorgeous._

 _Logan: You have?_

 _Jack: Yeah. I never knew how to tell you._

 _Logan: I think you just did._

 _Jack: Right. So..._

 _Logan: That's mutual, too._

 _Jack: Yeah? It was you who said that about my lips, wasn't it? That I'd be a good kisser._

Actually he and Kendall had both agreed on the point, but Jack didn't need to know that.

 _Logan: Yes. I can't believe I'm telling you this._

 _Jack: It's okay. Don't be embarrassed. You're shy, aren't you?_

 _Logan: Yeah. And it's kind of awkward being attracted to one of your best friend's boyfriends._

 _Jack: About that. I don't know how she'd feel about us being interested in each other, so can we keep this between us? I don't need to deal with that drama._

 _Logan: She's the one who was flirting with someone else, but I know what you mean._

 _Jack: In case you forgot, I was flirting with you, too._

 _Logan: I suppose you were. But it's fine, we can keep this a secret for now._

 _Jack: The truth is I don't know what I want. Guys are new to me and maybe this is just a phase, you know?_

 _Logan: I know. It's okay. If you just need to test things out, I'm good with that, too._

 _Jack: Really? Even though it might not go anywhere?_

 _Logan: Really. If you just need someone to kiss, without it being serious, that's okay._

Once again there was no immediate answer. "Did I say something wrong?" Logan asked aloud.

"Nah. I think he's just thinking it over. This has to be weird for him."

"For _him_? It's weird for me, too! I can't believe this is happening! I might get to kiss Jack Thomas!"

"Quit bragging. And before you do that, can I kiss you one more time? Just because if it gets serious between you guys, I won't get to do that again."

"Kendall, it's not going to get serious. He's confused."

"Please, once he kisses you, it's over. He won't want anyone else."

"You did," Logan pointed out.

"Yeah, but I'm different. I'm your best friend. Look, he replied."

 _Jack: I'd like that someday, but for now can we just talk? I kind of need a friend._

 _Logan: You've got one. Anytime._

 _Jack: Thanks. I have to go now, but will you be around later?_

 _Logan: Sure. See you tomorrow at school?_

 _Jack: Yeah, but remember. This stays between us. At least until I decide what I want._

 _Logan: That's fine. Goodnight if I don't hear from you._

 _Jack: You're sweet. Goodnight, Logan._

With the sound of a door slamming, Jack was gone.

"Holy shit," Logan said under his breath, laying his head down over his crossed arms. "I can't believe that just happened."

"Look at you, picking up guys in the library," Kendall teased.

"Shut up, I don't even know how I managed that! I was mad at James and then Jack almost ran into me and...should I worry that he wants to keep it a secret?"

"Does it bother you?"

"No, not at all. I feel like it _should_ bother me."

"If you're cool with it and so is he, then it's totally fine. What matters is what you two are comfortable with."

"But I'll feel guilty when I see Shannon."

"No need to. She's not with Jack anymore."

"I guess." But Logan wasn't exactly convinced. "I should call her."

"Why, so you can tell her her ex is making a move on you?"

"No, of course not! I promised him I wouldn't, and I won't. I just meant because she's probably upset over the whole thing and needs a friend. Unless of course she's crying on James' shoulder," Logan spat.

"You need to get over this thing," Kendall said seriously. "You're letting him affect too much of your life."

"Hey, if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be...whatever I am with Jack, now would I? So it all works out."

"Whatever, dude. I gotta get home. Kiss me before I go?"

Logan rolled his eyes but was smiling when Kendall leaned in. "I almost feel guilty about this."

"Why? He said he just needs a friend right now. Besides, the more you kiss me, the more experience you'll have to share with him."

"Classic Kendall rationalization," Logan murmured, but then he kissed Kendall and it was as nice as he remembered. He allowed Kendall to take control and make it more intense, only pulling back when it got to the point where a kiss didn't seem like enough. Breathing heavy, he pressed a hand to Kendall's chest. "You're really good at that."

Kendall grinned. "So why did you stop me?"

"Because you're _too_ good at it. Go home."

"Fine. See you tomorrow morning."

"Bye."

Logan watched Kendall pick up his bag, waving before the door closed behind him. There was homework he needed to attend to, but his mind was spinning in so many directions he knew he'd never be able to focus on it. Instead he reread the chat window that was still open, amazed at the things Jack had said. He sometimes listened to the song Logan had played in at the talent show? He'd always thought Logan was gorgeous? Why was Logan just learning all of this now?

And why did he feel so guilty when he thought about it?

With a sigh he pulled out his phone and sent a call through to Shannon, keeping in mind Jack's plea to keep his feelings a secret.

"Hey," she greeted him, and Logan knew immediately she was taking this hard.

"Hi. How's it going?"

"It's been better. I miss you in tutoring."

"Really? Looked to me like you were enjoying working with Diamond today."

"Today?" Shannon echoed. "You were there today? I never saw you."

"I stood right next to your table, Shannon. You were completely focused on Diamond." He couldn't help adding, "If I was Jack, I would have been jealous." The silence on the other end made Logan feel like a horrible person. "Shannon?"

"Jack and I...we...we're not together anymore."

"Oh? When did that happen?"

"Today. In the library. He accused me of flirting with James and I thought he was being ridiculous and overly jealous and...so you're saying he was right?" Shannon asked in a tiny voice.

"From what I saw, yeah. You didn't even notice I was there, Shannon."

"You should have said something! How was I supposed to know you were there?"

"Diamond knew it. He saw me. Are you two dating yet?"

"No! God, why does everybody think I want him?"

"Because it was so obvious today, Shannon! I know you better than anyone. You were all over him."

"He's hot, what can I say? He's funny and gorgeous and has these beautiful eyes and that hair, it's so soft and-"

"And Jack doesn't have all of that?"

"What?"

"What does James have that Jack doesn't?" It annoyed Logan that he knew the answer to that question, even if he didn't quite understand it.

"Logan, why are you acting like this? You're supposed to be my friend."

"I am, Shannon. But I'm not gonna lie to you. It was obvious to anyone with eyes that you were flirting with Diamond and if Jack got upset over that, I can't blame him. Can you?"

"I don't know."

"What if Jack was flirting with someone else? How would that make you feel?"

"I don't know," Shannon said softly. "It doesn't matter, because it's over now anyway."

"And what about James? Is that going somewhere?"

"I...god, I don't know. He's sweet, and sometimes I think he likes me that way, but when I hint at my feelings for him he seems uncomfortable."

"Maybe because you have a boyfriend."

" _Had_ a boyfriend."

"Right. So maybe now things will be different. Try flirting with him again tomorrow. Wait, where was he when all this was going down? Did you guys break up in front of him?"

"No. I mean, he knows now because I went back in the library and told him everything that happened, but Jack and I talked outside."

"And what did he say?"

"He said he was sorry if he'd caused any problems. He seemed to feel bad about it. Honestly, Logan, I don't know why you think he's an asshole. He's such a nice guy."

"Whatever. You remember how he used to act toward me."

"I do, but that was years ago."

"Why does everyone keep saying that? Time doesn't make the way he acted any better."

"No, but he's grown up and he's not the same person. You should give him a chance, Logan. He's nice now."

"Not happening. I just called to see how you are."

"Why did you quit tutoring?"

"Long story. I don't have time for it, really."

"Bullshit. You quit choir and you quit hockey, you've got plenty of time for it. What's going on, Logan?"

"Nothing. I just needed more time to focus on homework."

"Fine, don't tell me. But...would you hate me if I dated James?"

Logan's eyes closed, his heart dropping into his stomach. "I wouldn't hate you," he said honestly, keeping to himself that it would most likely tear them apart anyway. "Are you planning to?"

"I don't know. I guess if he asks me out."

"So you're over Jack? Just like that, you're ready to date someone else?"

"Look, Jack wasn't a saint, okay? I liked him a lot but sometimes I felt like he wasn't all that into me."

Logan thought that was probably due to confusion over his attraction to guys. "Well, whatever the reason, it wasn't meant to be. You'll probably both be happier with someone else."

"Yeah. I just wish James would give me some sort of sign. I get the feeling he's romantic."

James being the last thing Logan wanted to talk about (or think about, especially when a vision of James holding out a bouquet of roses blossomed in his mind), Logan said, "I'll let you go. But if you need to talk, call me."

"Okay. Thanks, Logan. For calling."

Guilt swamped Logan. "Yeah. That's what friends are for. You know, it's funny. I was actually starting to worry it was me you were interested in again."

Shannon laughed. "I accepted in junior high you were never going to date me. It's okay, I don't mind that you like guys."

"You did? I didn't even know it then, not really."

"Please, the way you watched James on that stage at the talent show in fifth grade? You were practically drooling. I should've figured it out then."

Logan sighed, hating that no matter who he talked to, it always came back to James eventually. "He was incredible," he admitted.

"And really hot."

"Yeah," Logan chuckled. "And really hot. But don't you ever tell him I said that."

"I won't. Your secret's safe with me. Why aren't you and Kendall a thing? I heard you guys kissed."

"We're just friends. We were curious about kissing."

"You know, I would've been more than happy to help you with that," Shannon teased.

"Hush," Logan blushed. "Kendall and I do just fine with it. So...I just want to make sure. You and Jack are over, right?"

"Yes. And if you can get Carlos to help me win James over in any way, that would be awesome."

"You know that's not gonna happen."

"Worth a try. Thanks again for calling."

"Anytime. See you tomorrow."

"You, too."

Logan laid down his phone and let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding, eyes on the computer screen again. Jack was free, and obviously interested. Logan thought it might come to pass that he'd lose Shannon to James, and while it made him sad, he prepared himself for the eventuality and hoped everyone was right, that James had changed enough that he wouldn't break Shannon's heart the way he'd broken Logan's—time and time and time again.

But he'd spent enough time thinking about James today. Hours later when he laid down in a dark room, it wasn't hazel eyes he was thinking about, but clear blue ones that were filled with amusement as they smiled down at him.

Of course, as he slipped into sleep, the memory morphed into a half-dream where blue was replaced by hazel and silky black was replaced with soft brown, but he was too far away from consciousness to be angry. Instead, he welcomed the white smile bearing down on his and opened his mouth to the tongue that slipped between his teeth, body succumbing in sleep to the visions playing out in his head that culminated in a wet dream so powerful it left him shaking under the covers.

In the morning, all he could remember of the dream was a bouquet of red roses being pressed into his hands, and he had no wish to follow it any deeper.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N-The song quoted in this chapter is "Wait" by White Lion. No copyright infringement intended.

* * *

As Logan shared no classes with Jack, the only interaction between them the following day was during lunch. He and Kendall were seated under the tree they'd made their own, and when Logan glanced up to see Jack walk by with a friend of his, Logan offered him a secret smile. Jack returned a smirk, winking before continuing on as if nothing had happened.

"Did you see that?" Logan whispered.

"I did," Kendall grinned. "Shame he doesn't want anything to do with you in person."

"It's fine. I'm good with winks and flirting online."

"Why don't you ask for his number?"

"I thought about it, but I don't want to push. I figure if he wants to exchange numbers, he'll ask. So...whatever he's comfortable with."

Carlos walked by then, James in tow as usual. While Carlos and Kendall exchanged a greeting, Logan focused on peeling a banana as if unaware of their presence. Feeling eyes on him, though, he glanced up in time to catch James looking away, hands in pockets and hunched in on himself.

"What did you decide about hockey?" Kendall asked once they'd moved on.

"I think I'm gonna pass. Sorry, dude."

"Come on, Logan."

"Don't push me, it'll just piss me off. Ask Diamond, he seems down."

"What?" Brows furrowing together, Kendall turned to look at Logan. "Since when?"

"I don't know, he just seemed down."

"When?"

"Just now. When you were talking to Carlos."

"He didn't even say anything."

"He didn't have to. I saw his face. Ask him back to the team."

"I thought he was in tutoring."

"Look, do or don't. I'm just saying that if I'm the reason you haven't asked him, don't let me hold you back, because I'm not going to change my mind."

"Fine. But I didn't think you'd even noticed James."

"He was standing right in front of me. Kind of hard to miss."

"So does that mean you noticed how hot he looks in that black leather jacket?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Yeah, right," Kendall laughed. "You notice everything."

"Not when it comes to him. Can we talk about something else?"

"You gonna chat with Jack again today?"

"Hope so. We'll see what happens after school."

"Almost wish I could skip practice for that."

"We don't need a chaperone, Kendall."

"I think you do, because you get nervous and don't say anything at all."

"I'll be fine. And if anything happens, you'll be the first to know."

"I'd better be."

It was a few minutes later that Logan said quietly, "He did look good in the jacket."

Kendall laughed hard but let the matter drop; he'd learned not to push Logan.

* * *

After his last class of the day Logan approached his locker alone, looking forward to rushing home and getting his homework out of the way in order to free himself up in case Jack wanted to chat again. He told himself not to get his hopes up, that it might have been a fluke or that Jack had simply been feeling sorry for himself after the break-up, but then he remembered the wink at lunch and hoped it had been more than that.

He almost didn't notice the folded sheet of notebook paper that fell out of his locker, and would have missed it completely had it not smacked his left hand on its way to the ground. Frowning, Logan bent to pick it up and released a word his mother would not have been proud of when he banged his head on the bottom of the locker door as he moved to straighten.

"You okay?"

Holding the paper in one hand while using the other to rub what would surely be a sore spot for days, Logan spun around and scowled. It didn't matter how good James looked in the jacket, Logan would never be happy to see him. "What do you care?"

James sighed, holding up two hands in a gesture that said he didn't want any problems. "That looked painful. Just making sure you're okay."

"Fine."

"Okay."

The silence turned awkward until James gave in and moved away, Logan wishing his heart didn't still flip over in his chest every time James even looked at him. "Fucking gorgeous asshole who can't make up his-" The muttering stopped when Logan's eyes ran over the words on the paper he'd unfolded.

 _That sweater brings out your eyes. You look really hot in it._

He felt his face turn almost as red as the sweater being referred to, one his mom had bought him and he'd never liked because he wasn't a fan of bright colors. He'd worn it today because it was cold outside and most of his sweaters were at the bottom of his laundry hamper, the red one being the sole inhabitant of the right side of his closet (The Sweater Section, he'd always thought of it).

But it brought out his eyes? He looked really hot in it?

The pain in his head receding to a steady but low throb, Logan grinned as he juggled books in and out of his bag and shut his locker door. Suddenly he couldn't wait to get home.

* * *

The wait was torture. Logan had no idea what Jack did after school every day, but there must have been something because it was almost two hours before his computer alerted him to an incoming request. Heart going wild in his chest (which was still covered in the red sweater that on any other day he would have removed immediately upon entering his room), he accepted the request and smiled at the simple greeting.

 _Jack: Hey._

 _Logan: Hi. How was school?_

 _Jack: Had its moments. How was your day?_

 _Logan: Pretty good. Had an interesting note in my locker after school._

 _Jack: Yeah? ;)_

"I knew it!" Logan squealed, covering his mouth while fist-pumping the air with one hand.

 _Logan: I'll have you know I hate this sweater._

 _Jack: Why? You look so good in it!_

 _Logan: I prefer subtle colors. Blues and grays._

 _Jack: I admit brown also brings out your eyes, but you look really hot in red. I don't know if I've ever seen you wear that color before._

 _Logan: I try not to. But thanks for letting me know. I might start wearing it more often now. :P_

 _Jack: You should! Have you talked to Shannon at all today?_

 _Logan: No. I skipped out on tutoring completely, and that's the only place I ever really see her._

 _Jack: Oh._

 _Logan: Why? Are you thinking you made a mistake, breaking up with her?_

 _Jack: No. She was all over James again today. I saw her sitting with him and Carlos at lunch._

 _Logan: Oh. I'm sorry._

 _Jack: It's fine. Obviously she'd rather have him. And I'm discovering new interests myself, so it's for the best._

Logan bit his lip hard, suddenly dying to kiss Jack. When could they move past the online stage?

 _Logan: I did talk to Shannon last night. After you and I talked._

 _Jack: You did?_

 _Logan: Yeah. I wanted to make sure she wasn't still into you. My conscience made me do it._

 _Jack: And?_

 _Logan: She said basically what you did, that she has a thing for Diamond. I'm sorry._

 _Jack: Like I said, I already knew. It's okay. So are you busy right now?_

 _Logan: Just talking to you. I already finished my homework._

 _Jack: Cool. Can we talk?_

 _Logan: We already are. :P_

 _Jack: I like that you joke around on here. I've never really seen that side of you. It's nice._

 _Logan: Well, it's not like we've had a lot of time to talk. Not since third grade, anyway._

 _Jack: Yeah. So tell me about yourself._

 _Logan: What do you want to know?_

 _Jack: Everything._

Logan stared at the screen for a long time, at that one word, not used to the warm feeling that was growing in his heart. Someone actually wanted to know everything about him? Found him that interesting? He'd been telling himself not to fall for Jack, not in a deep sense, but long conversations about life and each other were his weakness. And what if Jack only wanted this for a short time? What if he wasn't interested in something long-term?

It would be Diamond all over again. He'd fall and then have his heart broken.

 _Jack: Logan? Did I say something wrong?_

 _Logan: No. You just surprised me._

 _Jack: How?_

 _Logan: I wasn't expecting that._

 _Jack: But is it okay? We don't have to talk about you, I'm just curious._

 _Logan: It's fine. But then can we talk about you?_

That answer was longer in coming, and Logan was glad to know he wasn't the only one hesitant about this.

 _Jack: I guess. But you go first._

 _Logan: Okay. What do you want to know?_

 _Jack: Didn't we just cover this? :P_

 _Logan: I guess we did. I just don't know where to start._

 _Jack: Uh...tell me about your dad._

 _Logan: My dad? You really want to know about him?_

 _Jack: You miss him, right?_

 _Logan: Every day. I was little when he died, but he used to love to watch me play piano._

 _Jack: Why did you quit choir?_

 _Logan: How do you know about that?_

 _Jack: Shannon told me._

 _Logan: Oh. Right. Same reason I quit tutoring._

 _Jack: I have a hard time believing that interfered with your homework._

 _Logan: What we say here doesn't leave the chat, right?_

 _Jack: Absolutely._

 _Logan: Okay. I quit both because of Diamond._

 _Jack: James?_

 _Logan: Yes. I don't want to be anywhere near him._

 _Jack: Why? He seems nice enough._

 _Logan: He used to be. Back when I first met him. Then when we got to school, he turned into an asshole._

 _Jack: Did you ever ask him why?_

 _Logan: No. It doesn't matter why._

 _Jack: Maybe it does. Maybe you should ask him sometime._

 _Logan: Look, I really don't want to talk about him and I'm sick of people telling me to give him a chance. He doesn't deserve it. So can we move on?_

 _Jack: Fine. Sorry. We were talking about your dad._

 _Logan: Yeah. He got sick and just never got better. The doctors didn't really know how to stop it._

 _Jack: What was it?_

 _Logan: Cancer. So at his funeral, I made a vow to become the best doctor in the world and find a cure for cancer. And someday I will._

 _Jack: Wow. That's awesome. Not that he died, but that you want that. You're really smart, I bet you can do it._

 _Logan: I'm determined. I'm actually considering graduating early and entering college next year. I've been taking summer classes to get my credits done, and as long as I pass the GED I can probably make it happen._

 _Jack: Oh._

 _Logan: I can't believe I just told you that. I haven't even told my closest friends that._

 _Jack: Kendall?_

 _Logan: And Carlos._

 _Jack: Do you think it would bother them?_

 _Logan: I think Kendall will be upset. He'd miss me._

 _Jack: And you're positive you don't have feelings for him?_

 _Logan: Not those kind of feelings. But he is a really good kisser. Sorry, you probably didn't care to know that._

 _Jack: I'll admit to a little jealousy._

 _Logan: You should kiss me, then you'd have nothing to be jealous about._

 _Jack: I'd really love to, but I don't think now is the time._

 _Logan: Right. It's cool._

 _Jack: I'm sorry._

 _Logan: It's honestly fine. You said you needed a friend, and that's what I'll be._

 _Jack: Thanks. And thanks for trusting me with your secret. I won't tell anyone._

 _Logan: I appreciate that. I'm going to tell Kendall eventually, but I haven't made the decision yet. No sense in upsetting him if I don't have to. I might decide to just finish out high school first._

 _Jack: How can I make that happen?_

 _Logan: What?_

 _Jack: You staying in school for another few years. How can I make that happen?_

 _Logan: Why would you want to?_

 _Jack: Because I feel like I just finally got to know you and I don't want you to go. It wouldn't be local, would it?_

 _Logan: No. Out in L.A._

 _Jack: That's where I want to live after graduation._

 _Logan: Really? What's out there?_

 _Jack: What isn't? That's where everything's at, dude._

 _Logan: I never thought of it that way. I just want to attend UCLA's medical program._

 _Jack: Wait a few years and we could get an apartment together. ;)_

 _Logan: Tempting, I have to admit. What is it you want as a career?_

 _Jack: You really want to know?_

 _Logan: Of course. I don't know much about you at all._

 _Jack: Nobody knows this about me._

 _Logan: Nobody?_

 _Jack: Nope. I want to be a singer._

 _Logan: Really? What kind of music?_

 _Jack: Popular stuff. I've written a lot of songs._

 _Logan: Yeah? Have you recorded any of them?_

 _Jack: No. I wouldn't even know where to begin._

 _Logan: You should look into it._

 _Jack: I probably suck._

 _Logan: So you don't sing in front of anyone?_

 _Jack: Not really._

 _Logan: You can sing for me sometime._

 _Jack: I'll think about it._

 _Logan: Okay._

 _Jack: I need to go. Maybe we can talk again tomorrow?_

 _Logan: Sure. I'm glad we talked today._

 _Jack: Me too. Have a good night, Logan._

 _Logan: You too, Jack._

Logan had just signed off with a sigh, wondering if he'd somehow made Jack uncomfortable, when his hand automatically shot out to stop the door from hitting the desk.

"Dude, seriously. I need those reflexes back on the team!"

"Not gonna happen, Kendall. How was practice?"

"Horrible without you. Patterson sucks. Did I miss the chat session?"

"You did. Sorry."

"Damn!" Kendall dropped his gear on the floor before flopping down onto Logan's bed and laying on his side. "And? How did it go?"

"Good. I think. He says I look hot in this sweater. Why didn't you ever tell me red brings out my eyes?"

"Because I don't have thoughts like that. But you do look hot in it."

"Yeah?"

"Mm-hm. Want to make out?"

"Is that all you ever think about?" Logan teased, standing and stretching before climbing onto the bed next to Kendall, who scooted back to give him room. "Did you not even shower before you left?"

"I was in a hurry. Didn't want to miss the action. But I did anyway. So what did he say?"

"He wanted to know about me. Asked about my dad. And I told him about the doctor thing."

"Wow. You guys actually talked today."

"Yeah." Logan cuddled into Kendall, wrinkling his nose at the smell of dried sweat but welcoming the arms around him anyway. "He told me some things about himself, too. Things I won't repeat because he asked me not to."

"Aww, come on! You know I'm not gonna tell anyone."

"I can't, Kendall. He trusts me."

"Fine. So are you two dating or what?"

"No. I told him we should kiss and he said he's not ready for that yet."

"That sucks. Guess you'll just have to kiss me instead."

"Not until you shower. You really do reek, Kendall."

"Fine. Can I borrow yours?"

"Of course. Want to stay for dinner?"

"Is your mom making fried chicken?"

"She might be."

"I'm in. Will you help me with my history homework? We have a test tomorrow and I need you to quiz me."

"Sure. I already finished all of mine."

"And every time I get an answer right, you can kiss me."

"I think that's counter-productive."

"How? It motivates me to get the answers right."

"Just how long do you think that'll last before we toss the book aside and make out instead?"

"Hopefully not more than two minutes," Kendall grinned, sneaking a kiss in before racing out of the room.

"So horny," Logan laughed, reclining back on his bed and replaying the conversation in his mind. So Jack was a songwriter? That was romantic. It wasn't red roses, but he supposed this was better. He closed his eyes and brought to mind a vision of Jack on a stage, singing a love song that Logan knew was about him. From the front row, Logan smiled up at Jack, whose blue eyes were tender as they settled on him out of a crowd of thousands. In the vision Logan reached out a hand and Jack took it, bending to kiss the back of it and when he lifted his head again the eyes had turned hazel, the lips softer, the hair a bit more shaggy and the color of tree bark. "James," he whispered in his half-doze, and the lips widened into a gorgeous smile before James dragged him up to the stage and kissed him passionately. Suddenly they were alone on the stage and James bent him to the ground, not breaking the kiss as he stretched out next to Logan and ran a hand up his thigh, Logan straining against his jeans until the hand was cupping him. He moaned, the sound muffled by James' lips, and the hand tightened to bring another moan from Logan.

"Fuck, Logan," James whispered, the stage suddenly soft and shifting under him, and he was so hard the denim of his jeans was painful. His hands clawed at the zipper, desperate to find release, but then a less clumsy hand shoved his own aside and did the work for him, Logan's hips thrusting up from the bed and his body shuddering when a grip surrounded him to stroke.

"Yes," he managed, reaching out to pull James closer by the hair, except the hair was wrong, it was shorter and when he opened his eyes it wasn't brown or even black but a flaxen color and the tongue suddenly in his mouth was familiar. By the time he realized he'd been dreaming and now wasn't, it was too late to stop, and he welcomed Kendall's hand that was stroking in a rhythm and taking him higher toward that peak, his own hands sliding down Kendall's bare back and over a towel that came away easily.

"Fuck," was whispered into his mouth again before they were kissing too hard to speak at all, Logan's hand searching out Kendall to mirror the movements. Within seconds they were both panting, barely managing to muffle moans with kisses, and in less than two minutes they'd made a mess that neither cared to acknowledge as Kendall collapsed next to Logan.

"What the hell were you dreaming?" Kendall managed to ask through breathing that was slowly returning to normal.

"James," Logan whispered.

"Diamond?" Kendall asked in surprise.

"What? No. No, Jack. I said Jack."

"No, Logan, you said James."

"I meant Jack. I was dreaming about Jack. How did...what just happened?"

Kendall licked his lips and buried his face in Logan's neck before answering. "I came back from my shower and you were making these noises. It was really hot. And I climbed onto the bed and you were trying to get your pants off, so I...helped."

"Helped yourself, apparently."

"Sorry," Kendall said softly. "It probably wasn't right, but you weren't fighting it, so-"

"Kendall, it's fine. I knew it was you, I woke up around the time I took the towel off. By then I couldn't stop, it was..."

"Wow."

"Yeah. Wow. I don't know how I feel about all of this. I want Jack, but I keep making out with you, and-"

"And that's fine. We're best friends, we can use each other to experiment."

"It just feels weird to me, because I always thought I could never do these things with someone who wasn't my boyfriend."

"You're comfortable with me, it makes sense. You don't get nervous with me, right?"

"No. And I would with James."

A blond eyebrow arched as Kendall lifted his face to smirk at Logan. "You mean Jack."

"That's what I said."

"Nope. You said James again."

"I did not."

"You did, Logan. Why don't you just admit you have a thing for him?"

"I don't! It's over. Has been since grade school. He's not worth thinking about."

"But you do think about him."

"I don't. I swear, Kendall, I really don't."

"Not consciously, no," Kendall conceded, then leaned down to kiss Logan's lips softly. "But you dream about him, don't you?"

"I don't remember my dreams."

"I just witnessed one, Logan. And it was a doozy."

"It was Jack. Jack was-"

"Give it up. Look, you don't have to do anything about it, but at least admit that you dream about him."

"I hate him."

"I know. And I think the reason you can't let go of him is because you never got closure."

"I was fine until he came back."

"So you never dreamed about him while he was gone? Never thought about him?"

Logan shrugged, unwilling to answer.

"Dude, will you just talk to him? Tell him what he did that hurt you so badly."

"What good would that do?"

"He might apologize. And then you can move on."

"You know what I hate most about him?"

"What?"

"That every single person I talk to brings him up. He's not even a part of my life, but you guys all have to keep throwing him in my face. Maybe that's why I can't move on. Sometimes I can't wait to get out of this place."

Logan sat up and reached for the towel, wiping himself clean.

"Get out? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Graduation. Putting distance between myself and the memories."

Kendall grabbed the towel and went to work on himself. "So you think you can escape me?"

"It's not you I want to escape."

"Good. Because you won't. Friends are for life."

Once they had laid down again and were wrapped up in each other, Kendall asked, "Can we do that again?"

Logan grinned. "So you liked it?"

"Like you didn't?"

"I'm already thinking about the next time."

Kendall laughed, cuddling Logan closer. "I could date you, you know. This could work."

Logan nodded. "It could."

"But you'd still be dreaming about Diamond."

"And you'd still be drooling over straight guys."

"It sucks."

"Yeah. And then I'd never get to date Jack. If he ever decides he wants that."

"You know...I really do think you should talk to James."

"One more word and I'll never touch your dick again."

"Okay, okay, sorry! My dick apologizes."

"That's better. Why don't we get your homework out of the way?"

"Can't we just lay here and jack each other off again instead?"

"Nope. Homework before fun."

"You suck."

"Not yet, but maybe someday I will."

Kendall gasped in shock. "I can't believe you just said that. My little Logie's turning into a sex addict."

"Totally your fault. Homework. Now. And put some clothes on or we'll never get anywhere."

"Fine," Kendall sighed. "But you owe me."

* * *

Logan was almost asleep when the familiar chime floated across the room, causing his eyes to fly open. He sat up and squinted in the dark, heart racing when he spied the little chat box on his computer's monitor.

In five seconds he was seated at his desk and accepting the chat.

 _Jack: You awake?_

 _Logan: Yeah. Hi._

 _Jack: Hey. I can't stop thinking about you._

 _Logan: I'm having the same problem._

 _Jack: Do you mind talking for awhile?_

 _Logan: Not at all. What's on your mind?_

 _Jack: You, mostly. But I was wondering, what's it like to kiss a guy?_

 _Logan: It's nice. What's it like to kiss a girl?_

 _Jack: It's okay. I've kissed a few._

 _Logan: I never have. So you've never kissed a boy?_

 _Jack: I sort of did once._

 _Logan: Just sort of?_

 _Jack: It's hard to explain. But I never forgot it._

 _Logan: I know how that goes. And again, I'm not pressuring you, but if you ever want to know, I'd be more than happy to kiss you._

 _Jack: I do want that. I'm just not ready._

 _Logan: It's okay. Whatever you're comfortable with._

 _Jack: Sometimes I dream about you at night._

 _Logan: Really?_

 _Jack: Yeah._

 _Logan: What kind of dreams?_

 _Jack: Different kinds._

 _Logan: Do you ever wake up in an embarrassing state?_

 _Jack: All the time. So that's normal?_

 _Logan: At our age, yes._

 _Jack: I thought it was just because I'm dreaming about you. ;)_

 _Logan: Oh wait, I meant yes, that's the only reason. :P_

 _Jack: You're funny. I wish we could talk at school._

 _Logan: We can._

 _Jack: I don't want all the drama right now. And I'm still a little confused about everything I'm feeling, so it's best we don't._

 _Logan: Okay._

 _Jack: I'm sorry._

 _Logan: No, it's fine. But if you ever change your mind, know that I'm okay with it._

 _Jack: Good. I guess I should let you sleep._

 _Logan: You don't have to. I'm wide awake. Tell me about you. Your family._

 _Jack: I don't really like to talk about my family._

 _Logan: Okay._

 _Jack: Sorry._

 _Logan: It's fine. Whatever you want._

There was a long pause, Logan afraid that he'd again made Jack uncomfortable, but then suddenly a short paragraph appeared in the box.

 _Jack: Wait, just a moment before our love will die_

 _Cause I must know the reason why we say goodbye_

 _Wait, just a moment and tell me why_

Logan's jaw dropped, his heart in his throat. Fingers shaking, he typed.

 _Logan: Is that one of your songs?_

 _Jack: I wrote it years ago. But yeah. Part of the first song I ever wrote._

 _Logan: It's romantic. Did you write that about a girl you were into?_

 _Jack: No. Do you like it?_

 _Logan: It's sweet. Is there more to it?_

 _Jack: Yeah. I never finished it, but there's another verse I wrote a few weeks ago._

 _Logan: Show me._

 _Jack: Wait, I never had a chance to love you_

 _Wait, if only our love could show you_

 _Wait, I never want to be without you_

 _Now I only want to say I love you_

 _Logan: Wow. That's pretty good for a song that's not about anyone._

 _Jack: Cheesy. But you like it?_

 _Logan: It's sad. But very romantic._

 _Jack: You like romance?_

 _Logan: I can't say I've experienced much of that._

 _Jack: We'll work on that. :P_

Logan smiled, but the fact that Jack wasn't willing to even talk to him in person put a bit of a damper on the words. Still, the thought was nice.

 _Logan: Are all your songs about love?_

 _Jack: A lot of them. Some are about regrets, and wanting to make things right._

 _Logan: What did you do that you'd like to make right?_

 _Jack: A lot of things. I wrote one song that talks about how everyone uses the saying "It's never too late" but that's not true. Sometimes it really is._

 _Logan: I don't believe that. There's always hope._

 _Jack: Is there?_

 _Logan: Yeah._

 _Jack: Even when you hurt someone so badly they can't stand to be in the same room as you?_

Immediately Logan's mind turned to James and he closed his eyes on the pain that was still there, even after so many years. Finally he replied.

 _Logan: I don't know. At that point maybe it is too late._

 _Jack: Yeah. I should go. Goodnight, Logan._

 _Logan: Goodnight, Jack. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow._

 _Jack: Yeah. Maybe. Sleep well._

 _Logan: You too._

And just like that, Jack was gone again. With a deep sigh Logan stood from his desk and returned to the bed, pulling the covers up to his chin and wondering why he always seemed to say things that made Jack want to run.

At this rate Jack would never kiss him.


	6. Chapter 6

"So he really has wet dreams about you?" Kendall asked quietly as they approached Logan's locker.

"That's what he said. But he won't even talk to me in person, so it doesn't do me a lot of good."

"I don't know, I think it would get to him eventually and he'd have to let it out before it drove him crazy."

"Not necessarily. I've been having those dreams about James for weeks now and it doesn't make me want to talk to him; it only makes me want to see him less."

"True. But the fact that you admit it now is promising."

Logan rolled his eyes and opened the locker, jerking when a mass of crimson fell toward him. His hands automatically reached out to catch the object, face in shock when he realized he was holding a bouquet of red roses.

From over his shoulder, Kendall let out a low whistle. "Nice. Looks like you've got an admirer."

"Oh my god," Logan whispered, searching for a card. There was a folded piece of notebook paper wrapped around the stems, held in place with a rubber band. "Here, hold them so I can get this off."

Kendall did, and Logan pulled the paper free, face flushing when he read the words out loud. 'Because everybody needs a little romance.' Kendall! It's from him!"

"Well I would assume so," Kendall chuckled. "Do you have any other admirers I don't know about?"

"No, but...we talked about romance last night and he asked if I liked it and I said I'd never really experienced it. This is...oh my god, Kendall. Why won't he let me kiss him?"

Looking past Logan, Kendall said, "Why not ask him? He's coming this way."

"What? What do I say? Help me!"

"You're on your own, loverboy." Kendall shoved the roses into his hands. "But think fast, he's almost here."

"But he doesn't want to talk to me, he said—hey, Jack. How's it going?"

"Good," Jack grinned, halting his motion long enough to nod toward the roses. "Looks like you're having a good morning."

"Definitely," Logan agreed, very much aware of Jack's buddy standing next to Kendall. "I guess someone decided I needed a little romance in my life."

"Romance is good," Jack smirked. "See you around."

"Yeah. Bye."

After one last backward glance from Jack, he and his friend turned a corner. Logan passed the bouquet to Kendall before hiding his face inside the locker to let out a small scream.

"You're hilarious," Kendall laughed, then spun around as he was hailed from behind.

"Whoa, Kendall. Who you giving those beauties to?"

"You, if you want them." Kendall held the flowers out. "Want to go steady with me, Carlos?"

Logan straightened quickly, spinning and grabbing the roses to crush them to his chest. "Don't even think about it. These are mine."

He hadn't stopped to consider the fact that James would be with Carlos, because of course he always was, and when their eyes met Logan was reminded of the dream he'd had where James had held out roses to him. Roses just like this.

"Yours?" Carlos questioned. "I thought you two weren't dating."

"We're not," Logan interrupted, dragging his gaze away from those magnetic hazel eyes. "They're from someone else."

"But they could be yours, Carlos," Kendall continued with a smirk. "Just say the word and I'll deliver a truckload."

Carlos smacked Kendall's arm. "Shut up, weirdo. Logan, who's giving you roses? Is it Shannon? Does she still not get the point that you're gay?"

"No, it's not Shannon. And it's...nobody."

"Well, _nobody_ really seems to like you."

Logan shrugged, hating that he couldn't spill the secret. "Secret admirer," he finally said.

"So it _is_ Shannon."

"No, Carlos, it's not Shannon."

"James said she broke up with Jack. Right, dude?"

Cheeks turning red at suddenly being the center of attention, James nodded.

"So it could be her," Carlos pointed out.

"It's not her," Logan repeated. "Trust me. She knows I'm not into girls."

"So then it's a mystery?" Carlos asked.

Logan wanted to smack the grin right off Kendall's face, because he was obviously enjoying watching Logan tiptoe around the truth. "Something like that."

"Well, someone has good taste. Those are nice roses."

Lifting the fragrant flowers to his face, Logan couldn't fight the smile that won out when he inhaled. "They are, aren't they? Really romantic. I could get used to this."

Feeling James' eyes on him again, Logan frowned at the smile aimed at him. "Make fun of me and I'll deck you, asshole."

"I didn't even say anything, Logan."

"I saw it, you want to make fun of me."

"No, I don't. I was thinking that it's nice to see that romance is still alive. And it's nice that someone gave you flowers. Why do you hate me so much?"

Deciding that didn't deserve an answer, Logan snatched up the books needed for his morning classes and slammed the locker before spinning on his heel and stalking away, but not soon enough to miss Carlos' words.

"Well, dude, at least he talked to you this time. That's something, right?"

Not wanting to hear James' reply, Logan quickened his pace and was around the corner before Kendall caught up.

"Don't even start with me. I'm in a good mood and if you ruin it by bringing him up, I'll deck you, too."

"Relax, I'm not even thinking about James right now. How much do you think something like that costs?"

"What, the flowers? I don't know. I could ask Jack tonight."

"Do that. The secret admirer thing just might work."

"On who?"

"A straight guy. Think about it! The guy assumes they're from a girl, so he's open to you in a way he wouldn't be otherwise. You slip some notes into the locker, get him to fall for you, and then BAM! By the time he realizes you're a guy, it's too late. He's already in love."

Logan shook his head. "That'll never work. It doesn't matter how much someone likes you, if they like you thinking you're something else, it's not enough to overcome that barrier when the truth comes out."

"I disagree with that. If you can't get past the barrier, you have to find a way around it. Or under it. That's all I'm doing."

"Nope. Doesn't work that way."

"Want to bet?"

"How much?"

"If I win, we have a campout in my backyard and you jack me off all night?"

"Kendall, you are obsessed."

"I don't hear you saying no."

"What exactly is the bet?"

"That I can win over a straight guy and keep him once he finds out the truth."

Logan stopped walking as they neared their first class. "Which straight guy?"

"Carlos."

"Carlos? You're serious?"

"Totally. I wasn't kidding, if it would get me in his pants, I'd deliver five truckloads of roses."

"Kendall! Carlos?!"

"Shhhh! Keep it down. I've had a crush on him for months."

"Why didn't you ever tell me this?"

"Because you'd tease me about it. And I knew it would never go anywhere. But Jack gave me an idea, so I'm running with it."

"What if it ruins your friendship? What if when he finds out it's you, he never wants to speak to you again?"

"Then I guess I'm no better off than you and James, am I?"

Logan shook his head. "No. It's risky. He's really into girls, Kendall."

"I can be girly. Do we have a deal or not?"

"Well...here's the thing. If you win, then you'll end up dating him, right?"

"I would hope."

"Then you can't spend a night with me in a tent. That would be cheating on him."

"Oh. Damn."

"Exactly. So how about...if I win, you never bring up Diamond's name in my presence again?"

"You really hate him that much?"

"Where have you been, Kendall?"

"Fine. Deal. And if I win, you go to a movie with us."

"Who?"

"Me and Carlos. _And_ James."

"Absolutely not."

"Come on, Logan. You said yourself Carlos would never go for me."

Letting out a frustrated sound, Logan caved. "Fine. I'll go to a movie with you guys. But I don't have to speak to Diamond."

"So you're gonna be rude?"

"I won't have to be, because you're not going to win."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Deal?"

"Deal."

"Shake on it."

They did just as the bell rang. "You're nuts, Kendall. Carlos is never going to want to date a guy. Not even you."

"It's on."

* * *

This time it was Logan who requested the chat session, again completing homework while waiting for the chime to sound. When it did, he grinned at the reply to his initial hello.

 _Jack: Hello, Romeo._

 _Logan: Me? I think that's you. Roses? Really?_

 _Jack: I told you we'd work on the romance, didn't I?_

 _Logan: Yes. They're beautiful. Thank you._

 _Jack: Every time I saw you at school, you had them with you. It was awesome._

 _Logan: I was afraid they'd die in my locker. I mean, they'll die eventually anyway, but this way I could enjoy them first. How'd you get them in my locker?_

 _Jack: Called in a favor to a friend. So you really like them?_

 _Logan: I love them. Before I forget, how much were they?_

 _Jack: Why? Are you thinking of returning the favor? :P_

 _Logan: Maybe. But a friend of mine actually wants to buy some and wondered how much they are._

 _Jack: Well, I only bought eight. A full dozen will cost at least twenty bucks, I'm sure._

 _Logan: Eight? Not that I'm complaining, but why eight?_

 _Jack: One for every year I've known you._

Logan sat back in his chair, stunned and speechless. He counted back to the year he'd moved here, and yes, this year would make it eight.

 _Jack: Logan?_

 _Logan: You're amazing._

 _Jack: It made more sense to me than a dozen._

 _Logan: I'm trying to understand why Shannon would ever want anyone else over you._

 _Jack: She's a sucker for a pretty face._

 _Logan: Well, Diamond certainly has that. Too bad the rest of him isn't pretty, as well._

 _Jack: You think he's pretty?_

 _Logan: Let's not talk about him. Please._

 _Jack: No, answer that. I'm not jealous, I'm curious. Because I think he's gorgeous._

 _Logan: Fine, he's gorgeous._

 _Jack: What do you like about him?_

 _Logan: Nothing._

 _Jack: Come on, be honest. Is it his hair? His body? He works out, you know._

 _Logan: I'm not talking about him with a potential boyfriend._

 _Jack: We're not boyfriends yet. You can tell me._

 _Logan: It's his eyes._

 _Jack: His eyes?_

 _Logan: Yes._

 _Jack: That's it?_

 _Logan: That's all I'm willing to say._

 _Jack: So it's not his body?_

 _Logan: I haven't looked at his body much._

 _Jack: How can you not?_

 _Logan: Because I hate him._

 _Jack: What else is it? His hair?_

 _Logan: Why do you care?_

 _Jack: Curiosity. I like knowing what you're attracted to._

 _Logan: I'm not attracted to him anymore._

 _Jack: So you were at one time?_

 _Logan: I don't know, I was so young. I wouldn't call it attraction._

 _Jack: What was it?_

 _Logan: His voice. When I heard him sing at the talent show, I couldn't even move. I was frozen. He should have won that._

 _Jack: No, Logan. I told you, you deserved that prize._

 _Logan: Not over that voice._

 _Jack: Can you imagine them together? Your music and his voice?_

Frozen for a moment, Logan _could_ imagine it. Longing filled him, the need to know what that would sound like, what it would look like.

 _Logan: Please don't talk about him anymore._

 _Jack: Okay, I'm sorry. So you liked the flowers._

 _Logan: Loved them. It makes me wish I knew how to be romantic._

 _Jack: Maybe some of it will rub off on you. ;)_

 _Logan: If you're lucky. Do you like flowers?_

 _Jack: You can't do anything in public._

 _Logan: Right. I forgot. Is it the gay thing you're uncomfortable with?_

 _Jack: Yeah. I'm just not ready to face that yet. Not publicly._

 _Logan: Okay. I understand._

 _Jack: I'm sorry. You deserve someone who isn't ashamed._

 _Logan: Maybe in time you'll be more comfortable with it._

 _Jack: I hope so. I really am sorry._

 _Logan: It's okay. I like this, what we have here. It's enough._

 _Jack: For now. Sometimes I imagine us out on a date. Holding hands. Kissing you goodnight._

 _Logan: That would be amazing._

 _Jack: It's what you deserve. I'm afraid you and Kendall are going to decide you're in love before I get up the courage to make that a reality._

 _Logan: Kendall's interested in someone else. Please don't repeat that._

 _Jack: He is? A guy?_

 _Logan: Yes. He's working on that. We actually talked about dating yesterday._

 _Jack: Each other?_

 _Logan: Yeah. We agreed that it would work, but deep down we'd still be pining over other guys. So ultimately, we wouldn't be happy._

 _Jack: Oh. And you talked about this yesterday?_

 _Logan: Yes._

 _Jack: The jealousy I'm experiencing right now is insane. It's my own fault for not taking a step with you, but that doesn't make it easier._

 _Logan: You're jealous?_

 _Jack: I don't have any right to be._

 _Logan: Not really, no._

 _Jack: I should go, I have a lot of homework._

 _Logan: Jack, wait. Don't run away._

 _Jack: Who's running?_

 _Logan: You are. Every time I say something you don't like, you log off._

 _Jack: It's hard._

 _Logan: I'm not asking for more from you. I'll take whatever you give me._

 _Jack: I want so much. I want to take you camping at the lake, lay under the stars with you. I want to sing you songs and buy you dinner and sit with you in a movie theater and hold your hand, I want to...do you like ice skating?_

Logan had to read that three times before it all sank in, especially the rambling at the end, and his yearning for those things was so intense he wanted to scream.

 _Logan: I love ice skating. And movies. And I've never been to the lake._

 _Jack: I want to take you. I want to kiss you in the moonlight._

 _Logan: I'd like that._

 _Jack: Now I really do need to go. I'm sorry._

 _Logan: It's okay. I'm here if you need to talk later._

 _Jack: I might. Where are the roses now?_

 _Logan: Right next to me at my desk. They smell good._

 _Jack: I'm glad. Talk to you later._

 _Logan: Bye._

This time when Kendall banged into the room, Logan wasn't there to stop the door and it crashed into the desk with a crunching sound.

"Shit! Your desk!" After examining it, Kendall pronounced it would live and then faced the bed, where Logan was lying on his stomach with his face buried in a pillow. "What's wrong? Did something bad happen?"

"No," Logan mumbled, shifting so that his face was free. He watched Kendall drop his bags but didn't move when he climbed onto the bed, forcing Kendall to climb over him and spoon him from behind. "You showered today."

"I figured you'd make me." Kendall dragged Logan back until they were both on their sides, his arm around Logan's waist. "Did you talk to him?"

"Yeah."

"Why do you sound so sad? Is it over?"

"No."

"So what's wrong?"

"I'm in love."

"Love? Like...love?"

"Love. I want to marry him."

"Wow. You hardly know him."

"I know enough. We want the same things in a relationship. He even wants to move to L.A. with me."

"Okay, Logan, this is moving way too fast. You're moving in with him?"

"No, I'm just saying that when I told him I'm going to UCLA he got excited because he's always wanted to live there, too. It could work."

"Not if he won't even kiss you in public."

Logan nodded into the pillow, body limp. "And that's why I'm sad. Because I'm afraid it'll never happen. He's too scared to take that step. I was willing to give him time, and I still am, but it's hard when I can't even talk to him on the phone."

"Maybe he's not the one for you. I'm sorry to say it, because—"

"He is. I know he is. Every time we talk, I feel it. He's everything I want."

"Just not in person."

"Exactly. I mean, you're not even dating me and you kiss me. But the guy who wants to take me ice skating and hold my hand and sing to me, he won't kiss me?"

"Sing to you?"

"Forget I said that. I'm not supposed to tell anyone. But he sings."

"That's romantic."

"Right? But not if I'll never get to hear it."

"Give him time, Logan. It's only been a few days."

"I know. You're right."

"And in the meantime, kiss me."

"I can't. He said he's jealous of you."

"Of me? Really?"

"Yeah. I told him we talked about dating, and how we said it could work. He got jealous."

"Dude, if he won't even hold your hand in public, he's got no room to be jealous."

"I know. And he knows it, too. He admitted that. I just...I want the romance. I want the songs. I want the kisses under the moonlight."

"I'm sorry. Maybe one day."

"I guess."

Kendall moved back enough to roll Logan onto his back, then leaned down to kiss him softly.

"Didn't I say we can't kiss?" Logan murmured.

"I'm ignoring that until you have a valid reason for it. And because I can feel that you need to be kissed right now."

"I do."

"So do I. Until I win Carlos over, and until Jack comes to his senses, these lips are mine."

When Kendall kissed him again, Logan didn't fight it. He closed his eyes and welcomed the vision of Jack in his mind, and when the face morphed into James, he didn't fight that either. He only kissed Kendall harder, lifting his hips to make it easier for Kendall to get his pants down.


	7. Chapter 7

"Okay, I see him. He's with James, of course."

"I don't care about that." Kendall peeked around the corner, shoving Logan down to see past him. "He's opening the locker. This sucks, I can't see his face!"

"You'll see it when he—crap. No. The door is blocking it. But he's got the flowers! Mission accomplished!"

"It's not fair, I wanted to see his face! Does he seem happy?"

"He's looking around, get back!"

Kendall and Logan plastered themselves to the wall, waiting about ten seconds before moving away from it again.

"Can we go over now?" Kendall begged.

"Can you keep from spilling that the flowers are from you?"

"Of course."

"You know, he's going to figure it out. Who else knows his combination?"

"Like they're that hard to crack? Come on, Logan, before he takes off. Act natural."

The two sauntered around the corner and toward the lockers as if they had no idea Carlos was there, Logan rambling about a math problem he'd had to deal with the night before. Feeling eyes burning into him, he glanced to his left and caught James studying him, but before he could open his mouth Carlos was running to them.

"Guys! Look! I have a secret admirer, too!"

The joy on his face made Logan glad he'd gone along with the plan. "No way."

"Totally! Look! It's even got my name on it! And she picked out my favorite color!"

Holding the yellow roses in one hand, Carlos shoved a small rectangular piece of cardboard in their faces. Kendall grabbed it to read it out loud. "'These reminded me of the sun that shines on me when you smile.' Aww, Carlos has a girlfriend. No signature?"

"Nope. It's a mystery, just like Logan's!"

The contemplative gaze moved from Logan to Kendall, and Logan saw it when James figured out exactly who the flowers had come from. He narrowed his gaze at Logan, who shook his head minutely and begged James with his eyes to remain silent. Surprisingly, James smiled before making a zipping gesture across his lips and then saying, "Those are almost as pretty as Logan's, Carlos."

"Almost? You're crazy, these are way better. They're yellow!"

Kendall grinned. "So you like them?"

"I love them! Sorry, Kendall, looks like someone beat you to that truckload of roses," Carlos winked, cradling the bouquet in one arm and sniffing them in an exaggerated way. "Someone likes me. How cool is that?"

"Pretty cool," Kendall nodded, sliding an arm around Carlos' shoulders and steering him away from the locker. "You should carry them around all day, like Logan did."

"Oh, I'm going to! But which girl do you think it is? Maybe Sarah in science? Or...oh! Tiffany in math! Or maybe even Violet in history. She smiled at me yesterday."

Logan felt the presence behind him before James spoke, and he fought hard not to react to the soft, deep voice in his ear. "I won't tell him. Your secret's safe."

Warring with himself, because to not reply would make him the same kind of asshole he hated James for being, Logan finally nodded once. "Thanks. Kendall's really nervous about this."

"Yeah, I've never heard Carlos say a word about being attracted to guys."

"Hopefully Kendall can change that."

Logan started to walk off but a hand on his shoulder stopped him, and what Logan hated most was the fact that even that simple touch affected him a thousand times more than Jack squeezing his shoulder had. He closed his eyes and waited for James to speak again.

"Carlos really misses you guys at lunch. I know you hate me, but can't you put that aside for him? For just twenty minutes a day?"

"No. I've told Kendall a million times he doesn't have to sit with me. He's welcome to join you guys instead."

"You know he's not gonna do that. He wouldn't leave you alone."

"That's his choice."

"Logan, please. For them, if not just for Carlos. Let them have their time together."

"They have hockey. And what I do shouldn't affect them anyway."

"But it does. You know it does."

What Logan knew in that moment was that a voice alone had power over him. His knees were weak the way they used to be when James would look at him, his entire body frozen the way it had been when James had sung to him. He reminded himself that James hadn't been singing to him then, that at one point James had wanted him to go back to where he came from. He opened his eyes, trying to center himself.

"Please, Logan. Just give me a chance."

The longing behind the words touched a corner of his heart he'd buried long ago, one that only came out in his dreams. When James' hand gently tightened on his shoulder, Logan's body instinctively leaned back so that James' mouth was at his ear. "Please," James whispered, sending waves of heat through Logan, and it was only the sight of Jack approaching that gave him the strength to wrench himself free. In Jack there was safety.

"Hey," Jack grinned, winking at Logan once again as he passed. "No flowers today?"

"Not today," Logan smiled. "Maybe I'll get lucky again tomorrow."

"Never know. Catch you later, Logan."

"Bye."

Feeling as if he could think clearly again, Logan didn't even have to look back to know James was gone. Relief flooded him as he set off for his first class, hardly able to wait until school was over.

* * *

Guilt swamped Logan when he spotted Carlos walking toward the cafeteria, bright yellow roses shining like the sun above. James turned his head to look straight at Logan, recrimination clear on his face, but Logan ignored it and focused on his orange.

"He looks so happy, doesn't he?" Kendall grinned. "He loves the roses. I'm so gonna win this bet."

"You should go eat with them. Carlos would really like that."

"You want to?"

Angry at himself for speaking words he knew would kill the excitement on Kendall's face, Logan shook his head. "Not me. But you should. James told me how much Carlos misses you."

"James?" Kendall echoed in surprise. "When did you talk to James?"

"After you two walked away this morning. James said Carlos really misses you at lunch."

"Is that all he said? That Carlos misses _me_?"

Knowing that he was incapable of lying to Kendall, Logan sighed. "He said both of us. But I don't care about me, I just hate to see you two missing out because of me."

"I'm not leaving you alone, Logan."

"Yeah, James said you'd say that."

"Did he? He's smart. I'm shocked you actually talked to him."

Logan shrugged, then returned his gaze to the orange he was peeling as he said quietly, "It was a mistake."

"What was?"

"To talk to him. To let him get near me."

"Why?"

"Because...he makes me crazy, Kendall. I don't understand how all these years later, and after everything he put me through, I still want him. He still has some weird power over me. I hate him for it."

"Logan." When there was no response, Kendall plucked the orange from Logan's hands and set it on the paper sack his mother packed each day. "Look at me."

"No."

"Don't you think it means something, that ten years later you still can't stop thinking about him?"

"Eight. It's been eight years."

"Eight, fine, whatever. Carlos told me it kills James that you won't talk to him."

"Like he didn't kill me years ago?"

"At least give him the chance to apologize. Neither of you can move on until you do."

"If it was just anger I was dealing with, I might agree with you."

"Then what is it?"

"It's...Kendall, what if he apologizes and moves on, but I can't? What if I still can't look at him without dying for him to smile at me? He doesn't deserve my attention."

"Isn't he getting it either way?"

"You know what really pisses me off?" Logan asked, ignoring Kendall's point. "That when I saw him and Shannon in the library that day, and she was all over him...I wanted it to be me. I hated him, couldn't stand the sight of him, but I wanted to be the one sitting that close to him and laughing with him. And today, when it all came back and he was touching me and I was dying for him to spin me around and kiss me, the only thing that got through to me was Jack."

"You thought of Jack?"

"No, I saw him. But his words came back to me, the promise of things we talked about that might never come to pass but there's still the hope that they will. And that was enough."

"Did you talk to him at all?"

"Yeah. He winked and flirted again, teased me about the flowers. Typical Jack. I wish I was home so we could talk right now."

"Logan...I think it means something that no matter how often you see this guy, it's still James you dream about. Does Jack make you feel the same way?"

"In person, no, but that's because he's holding back. When we talk on the computer, yeah. It's almost like he's two different people."

"And you're in love with the one inside the computer."

"One day that'll be the one outside the computer, too. I just have to wait."

"Doesn't seem fair, buddy. When I win Carlos over, he's not going to be shy about kissing me in public."

"Are you sure about that? Jack was never shy about kissing Shannon in public, either. You being a guy makes all the difference."

"I can't imagine Carlos wanting to keep it a secret that someone loves him. Look at the way he's proudly showing off those roses today."

"Which he thinks are from a girl," Logan pointed out.

"Still. Once he knows it's me, it'll be the same."

"I hope you're right. Or actually, I hope you're wrong, because I really don't want to lose this bet. Sitting next to James for an entire movie sounds like torture."

"Does it?" Kendall smirked.

"Only because it doesn't," Logan laughed, amazed that he was able to. "If him just standing behind me with his hand on my shoulder had me hard, I'm afraid to see what two hours in the dark with our arms touching will do."

Kendall grinned, passing the orange back to Logan. "That might be fun to witness. So can we sit with them at lunch tomorrow or what?"

"Go for it. I'd be more than happy to sit in the library."

"No."

"I wouldn't be alone. There are kids who eat in there."

"Not the same. It's either both of us or none of us."

"Your choice," Logan said lightly, but the guilt was back in full force.

* * *

There was no preamble to their chat that afternoon. When Logan accepted the request, he found not a greeting from Jack but eight words that made him let out a squeal.

 _Jack: I've decided you look really hot in blue._

 _Logan: So you liked the shirt? I wore it on purpose because it's a brighter color and you seem to like that._

 _Jack: Yeah, red and blue are your colors. It was hard to keep my hands off you today._

 _Logan: That's not a bad thing. :P_

 _Jack: It is when I'm not allowed to touch you._

 _Logan: You're allowed to. I promise._

 _Jack: I dreamed about you again last night._

Logan was about to say the same, but then recalled that most of his dream had involved James.

 _Logan: Was it a good dream?_

 _Jack: The best. We were skating on a frozen pond in the mountains, and I kissed you._

 _Logan: In the moonlight?_

 _Jack: Yes. But then it changed, and we were on a beach._

 _Logan: There aren't any beaches around here._

 _Jack: It was California. The sun was shining and there were waves at our feet and you kissed me so hard I couldn't breathe._

 _Logan: Did I do anything else?_

 _Jack: I think you were about to, but I woke up. I was pissed._

 _Logan: That sucks. Next time I'll try to do more._

 _Jack: Yeah, work on that. ;)_

 _Logan: So, I was thinking._

 _Jack: Should I be scared?_

 _Logan: Yeah. Because you're probably going to hate the idea, but I'm going crazy and I have to try._

 _Jack: What's up?_

 _Logan: What if we go to the movies separately and sit one seat apart so that no one knows we're together, but we're still close enough to talk here and there? And then we can come home and talk here, and it'll be almost like a date._

 _Jack: As much as I would love that, I can't._

 _Logan: Okay. It was worth a try._

 _Jack: I'm sorry._

 _Logan: I know. It's cool._

 _Jack: No it's not, you're disappointed._

 _Logan: Yeah, but it's no big deal. You told me from the start this is what you wanted._

 _Jack: It's not what I want, it's just the way it has to be._

 _Logan: Really, it's fine._

 _Jack: I'm sorry._

 _Logan: Stop apologizing. You wouldn't have to if I didn't keep pushing it. I promised I wouldn't and I am. I'm the one who's sorry._

 _Jack: One day, Logan. One day we'll sit in a movie theater and I'll hold your hand._

 _Logan: Promise?_

 _Jack: I hope so. I'm gonna try._

 _Logan: That's all I can ask._

 _Jack: So how was your day?_

 _Logan: It was good, mostly. Kendall tried out the flowers._

 _Jack: I saw Carlos with them. I'm assuming he was the recipient?_

 _Logan: He was. But Carlos doesn't know that yet._

 _Jack: He seemed really happy about it._

 _Logan: Yeah. It's always nice when someone gets you flowers. :P_

 _Jack: I'll have to make that a habit. Why doesn't Kendall just tell Carlos how he feels? Aren't they good friends?_

 _Logan: Because Carlos isn't gay. Kendall thinks he can change that._

 _Jack: You can't change that, it's kind of a permanent thing._

 _Logan: That's what I said. But he's going to try. Speaking of which, if I lose the bet we made, I have to go along with Kendall and Carlos to the movies._

 _Jack: That doesn't sound so bad._

 _Logan: James will also be there. That's the bad part._

 _Jack: Oh? Why does he have to be there?_

 _Logan: It's part of the bet. Kendall thinks I need to talk to James and give him a chance to apologize for the way he treated me a long time ago._

 _Jack: I think Kendall's right._

 _Logan: I just wanted you to know in case you found out I was there with him. I didn't want you to get jealous or think it was a double date or something._

 _Jack: When is this happening?_

 _Logan: Hopefully it's not. I want to win the bet._

 _Jack: And what happens if you win?_

 _Logan: I won't ever have to hear the name James Diamond again. At least not from Kendall._

A full two minutes of silence passed, making Logan nervous.

 _Logan: Jack?_

 _Jack: Yeah, sorry. My mom came in, I was talking to her. But I'm curious about something. When I saw you today, you were with James, weren't you?_

 _Logan: Not by choice. He's always with Carlos, so it's hard to avoid him sometimes._

 _Jack: What were you talking about?_

 _Logan: About them. Carlos and Kendall._

 _Jack: Oh._

 _Logan: Jealous? :P_

 _Jack: Maybe. Listen, I have a lot of homework tonight, so I'm gonna sign off._

 _Logan: Promise you're not running again?_

 _Jack: Swear. I'm actually working on a song, and I wanted to finish it tonight before bed. So that's part of it, too._

 _Logan: That's great! Can I hear it sometime? Or at least read it?_

 _Jack: I'll see what I can do. Talk to you later._

 _Logan: Bye._

* * *

This time Logan was ready for Kendall, and when his door flew open Logan wasted no time in catching it, dragging Kendall through it, slamming it, then shoving Kendall up against it to devour his mouth.

"Holy fuck, Logan," Kendall growled, letting his bags drop to the floor. "Horny much?"

"Ever since James touched me. Thank god you showered, I can't wait."

Kendall allowed Logan to take charge, helping him shed their clothes until Logan was pinning him to the bed with both hands and mouth.

"This is what James does to you?"

"I hate him."

"Why can't I affect Carlos like this?"

"Because you're not an asshole. Don't talk to me, just kiss me."

"Can't I do both?"

"Not at the same time."

Kendall surrendered then, closing his eyes and groaning when Logan's mouth latched onto his shoulder and bit down. "All this from a hand on your shoulder?"

"And a voice in my ear. I hate him."

"You really need to talk to him, Logan."

"Shut up. Or better yet..."

Logan forced Kendall into silence by kissing him, not letting up as their hands groped at each other desperately. Neither spoke again until they were weak and recovering, lying next to each other and struggling to catch their breaths.

"Now why can't Carlos attack me like that when I walk into a room? No offense, dude."

"None taken. I was thinking the same thing about Jack."

"You mean James."

"No, this time I really do mean Jack. If Jack would just do that for me, I'd forget about James in no time."

"Somehow I don't buy that."

"I would. I asked him out on a date today. Sort of."

"You did? And?"

"He said no. Not ready to do the public thing yet. Which I knew, but...I wanted it. So badly."

"I know. I'm sorry, bro."

"That's what he keeps saying. He's sorry. But if he was, wouldn't he do something about it?"

"Not necessarily. He's scared. It's hard for some people, admitting they're gay. Even to themselves."

"Do you think James is?"

Kendall chuckled, not pointing out that this time it was Logan who'd brought him up. "I can't figure it out. Sometimes I think so, but you said he was into Shannon, right?"

"I said Shannon was into him. And remember in junior high, he always had girls all over him?"

"In junior high, _I_ had girls all over me. You can't judge by that."

"I guess."

"Logan, why don't you just talk to the guy? If him touching you on the shoulder makes you so crazy that hours later you still want to take me down in your bed, you can't keep ignoring it."

"He doesn't deserve my attention."

"He has it anyway! You can't stop thinking about him."

"He doesn't know that. And he never will. You're the only one who knows that, and you're not going to tell anyone. Right?"

"Of course I won't, but...come on, Logan. How fair is it to Jack that you're in love with someone else?"

"I'm not in love with him!" Logan sat up, using a t-shirt to wipe the sweat from his face before using it on the mess covering his stomach. "I'm in love with Jack. He's the one who writes songs, he's the one who gives me flowers, he's the one who dreams about kissing me on the beach. That's what I want. Not James Fucking Diamond, who never wanted me around when all I wanted was for him to smile at me. I'm done with him! And don't ever ask me to have lunch with them again, because I'm not putting myself through that. If you win the bet, I'll follow through because I said I would. Other than that? I don't ever want to see his face again."

"Fine. Relax. You don't have to sit with him at lunch."

"Good. Thank you."

Kendall sighed and sat up, grabbing the shirt. "I need to get home. I'm working on something for Carlos and it's gonna take me all night."

"What is it?"

"A poem."

"A poem?" Logan echoed, wide eyes turning to his friend. "You write poems?"

"Not yet. I'm sure it's gonna suck, but he'll love it anyway. Because he's Carlos."

"Wow. I'm impressed, dude."

"Yeah well, we'll see if you say that again after you read it."

"This is gonna be great," Logan grinned. "Kendall Knight writing poetry. Never thought I'd see the day."

"Quit laughing at me. It's gonna be from the heart, and if he doesn't like it, maybe I'll reconsider the bet. But I still think I can win him over."

"You know, both Jack and James pointed out that he's never shown any hint of attraction to guys before."

"What does Jack know? He's probably never even talked to Carlos."

Logan only shrugged.

"And besides, he's never had to deal with me on a mission. You know I don't give up."

"Can't argue that. Okay, go write your poem."

"Gotta get dressed first." He stood and worked his clothes back on. "Thanks for uh...you know."

"No, thank _you_. I was going insane. And yes, I could have handled it myself, but it's more fun with you."

Kendall studied Logan's face before saying, "Admit it. You close your eyes and pretend I'm someone else, don't you?"

"Not always. Sometimes you're really you."

"And the rest of the time?"

"You're someone else."

"It's okay, I'm not offended. Today you were Carlos."

Logan laughed, standing to kiss Kendall as he picked up his belongings. "Right now you're just you. And there's a part of me that will miss you when this ends."

"But that's okay, I'll have Carlos then. The question is, will you have Jack? Or will you have James?"

"Get out of my room before I deck you."

With a last smirk and a wink, Kendall disappeared.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N-The song used in this chapter was made up for the story. Thank you to those who have been reviewing, it motivates me to keep posting.

* * *

"It's not bad," was Logan's comment after reading the poem.

"Really? You're not just saying that?"

"No, I mean it. He'll love it. It rhymes and he can make a song out of it. Which I'm sure he will."

Kendall grinned, envisioning that in his head. "He'll be singing it all day. I almost wish I could sit with him at lunch just to hear him gush about it and read it over and over."

"You can. No one's stopping you."

"We're not going through that again. Did you like the part about hockey skates?"

"Yeah, you managed to rhyme something with skates. I'm impressed."

"Dates," Kendall nodded. "Going on dates in hockey skates. Wait, does that give away that I'm a guy?"

"Not necessarily, you wrote about _him_ in hockey skates."

"True. Okay, here goes. Am I really gonna do this?"

Logan snatched the folded paper from Kendall's hand and slipped it through the slats on Carlos' locker door. "Just did. Now let's go before he shows up and sees us here."

"I'm nervous," Kendall admitted when they'd reached Logan's locker.

"It'll be okay. He'll love it, I'm telling you."

"But what if he figures out it's me and it grosses him out?"

"That's the chance you took going into this. I warned you that might happen and you said it's worth it."

"Yeah, you're right." Kendall automatically reached out to take the books Logan passed to him, his hand moving just in time to catch a paper that tried to slip off the surface of one. "What's this?"

"What?" Logan asked absently, shifting books out of his bag.

"Oh my god. Logan. You got a poem, too."

"I got a—wait, what?" Logan spun around in a flash, gasping when he saw Kendall reading an unfolded sheet of notebook paper. "Give me that, it's from Jack!" he hissed.

There was a brief note scrawled at the top in the same handwriting Logan had noted on the paper attached to his roses.

 _You wanted to see the song, so here you go. Hope you like it._

There was no signature at the bottom, but none was needed. Logan closed his eyes to keep from seeing any of the words, opening them again only when the paper was folded. "It's the song. He wrote me a song. Oh my god, I'm so in love."

"Well, read it!"

"No! Not here, I need to be alone when I read it."

"Come on, you're not gonna share with me?"

"Not the first time. I'll read it later, in study hall. You can see it at lunch."

"How are you not ripping that thing open right now? I would be going crazy to read it."

"I am, but I'm not gonna do it right here in the hall with everyone walking by." Logan slipped the refolded paper into his pocket. "Do you think Carlos is here yet?"

As soon as the last word left his mouth, the question was answered with a shriek from down the hall. "Kendall! Logan! Look!"

They glanced to the right to find Carlos running toward them waving the sheet of paper with glee.

"I'd say he's here," Kendall grinned, bouncing on his toes a few times before assuming a look of polite interest. "What's up?"

Logan caught sight of James rolling his eyes behind Carlos, but to his credit he didn't call Kendall out on the lie.

"Look! I got a love note! First flowers, now a love note! This is so cool!"

"Let me see that," Kendall said smoothly, allowing his eyes to roam over the paper. "Wow, even put your hockey skates in there, huh?"

"Right? She knows me so well, she even mentioned my obsession with cookies!"

"And managed to find a word that rhymes with cookie," James chuckled. "Not sure I could've pulled that off myself."

"It _is_ pretty impressive," Logan agreed, not realizing he'd been civil to James until James smiled at him hesitantly. Immediately Logan looked away, turning back to his locker.

"Kendall, you have to help me figure out who my secret admirer is! I have to know!"

Logan managed to turn his laughter into a cough, but only barely. "Yeah, Kendall, I think you're the perfect person to help with that. Why not at lunch, you can join them and study the clues to solve the mystery."

"Kendall, will you?" Carlos begged earnestly.

"Not without Logan."

Logan turned a glare on Kendall, but before he could even think to argue, James spoke up. "You guys should, I have to meet Shannon in the library for lunch anyway."

It was still a knife to the heart, pissing Logan off even more. "Lunch in the library?" he asked.

"Yeah. She's helping me study for my math test. Which would be a lot easier if I had a better tutor."

Ignoring the dig, Logan shrugged. "Whatever you want, Kendall. I don't care. I have to get to class." He moved past James, pointedly not looking at him.

Kendall started to follow but Logan held up a hand and said softly, "Stay with him. And if you don't have lunch with him today, I'll kill you."

"Will you join us? Please?"

"We'll see. I'm gonna go get some privacy so I can read my song."

"Fine. Don't ditch me at lunch. Unless Jack asks you to join him."

"Not gonna happen, but it would be nice."

"He's coming this way, why don't you ask him?"

"He's made it clear, Kendall, he's not interested in-"

"Logan," Jack grinned, slowing his pace. "Good morning."

"Hey."

"Two mornings in a row without flowers? Someone's slacking."

"It's okay, I got something better today," Logan smiled.

"Better than roses?"

"Way better."

"Glad to hear it. See you around."

"Yeah."

Logan watched Jack walk away, wearing a lovesick grin that had Kendall rolling his eyes. "And you say I'm ridiculous."

"When did I ever say that?"

"I'm sure you have at some point, or at least thought it. I'm gonna get back to Carlos."

"You do that."

"Are you really going to pretend that you didn't notice how hot James looked in those jeans?"

"Shut up, you're ruining my happiness."

"See you at lunch, buddy."

"Bye."

* * *

It ended up being two hours before Logan was able to slip the note from his pocket. Only when he was tucked away in the back corner of study hall did he trust himself to unfold the paper and take his time reading what turned out to be a love song that was so obviously written about him that it had him digging for the small package of tissues he always carried in his bag.

When he trusted himself, he read it through again.

 _Verse:_

 _There's so much I want to say_

 _But sometimes they get carried away_

 _Words I can't speak when you're around_

 _Even though I'd die to hear the sound of your voice_

 _So I write it down, what's in my head_

 _All the million things I wish I'd said_

 _Words on a screen are the best I can do_

 _Even though my thoughts are full of you tonight_

 _Chorus:_

 _Life's too short, let's end this game_

 _Let me show you, let me speak your name_

 _Take my hand and let's not care about yesterday_

 _Cause we all make mistakes_

 _We live and learn_

 _And the hardest thing is feeling the burn_

 _Of your eyes when you're miles away_

 _Please tell me it's not too late_

 _Verse:_

 _In my dreams you're where I want you to be_

 _Under stars, on the sand, you're next to me_

 _And I'm saying all the things I wish I'd said_

 _You kiss my lips and you whisper my name_

 _I touch your skin, I'm consumed by your flame_

 _There's no need to hide what I'd die to confess tonight_

 _Chorus:_

 _Life's too short, let's end this game_

 _Let me show you, let me speak your name_

 _Take my hand and let's not care about yesterday_

 _Cause we all make mistakes_

 _We live and learn_

 _And the hardest thing is feeling the burn_

 _Of your eyes when you're miles away_

 _Please tell me it's not too late_

 _Bridge:_

 _Let's leave this place, run away to the sand_

 _Leave the ice behind, come and take my hand_

 _To the place where the sun melts away the cold in your heart_

 _Please tell me it's not too late_

 _Chorus:_

 _Life's too short, let's end this game_

 _Let me show you, let me speak your name_

 _Take my hand and let's not care about yesterday_

 _Cause we all make mistakes_

 _We live and learn_

 _And the hardest thing is feeling the burn_

 _Of your eyes when you're miles away_

 _Please tell me it's not too late_

Logan was on his fourth read-through when his phone buzzed in his pocket. Assuming it was Kendall, Logan slipped it out and was about to gush to him when he saw that the incoming message was from Shannon instead.

 _Hey, I need to ask a huge favor. I know you're going to say no, but please please PLEASE think about it because this isn't about you, it's about James, and he needs you. I'm supposed to tutor him at lunch today but my mom texted me that she's picking me up early because my grandpa's in the hospital and I don't want James to fail the test. Please, Logan, PLEASE. I'll do anything you ask, but please meet him in the library and help him. You never have to speak to him again. PLEASE LOGAN. I FEEL SO HORRIBLE, HE REALLY NEEDS THE HELP._

Logan groaned, letting his head hit the desk. Why. Why did she have to do this? James wasn't his responsibility. Couldn't she ask Mr. Jackson to help him?

Just then a second text came in.

 _I'd ask Mr. Jackson but he said he has a staff meeting at lunch today. PLEASE LOGAN. YOU OWE ME, IT'S YOUR FAULT I GOT STUCK WITH HIM IN TUTORING ANYWAY._

Stuck with him? Yeah, that's not how it looked to Logan, but whatever. He groaned again, wondering why every time he was having a good day, James Diamond managed to ruin it somehow. It just wasn't fair.

 _LOGAN PLEASE. I'M SORRY. I KNOW YOU HATE HIM BUT IT'S ONE TIME. THINK OF HIM AS A STUDENT IN NEED, NOT JAMES DIAMOND. WOULD YOU REFUSE TO OPERATE ON A MAN WHO WAS DYING JUST BECAUSE YOU HATED HIM? NO. YOU WOULD NOT._

That was a low blow. Making a mental note to possibly never speak to her again, Logan typed out a reply.

 _I'll be there. I hate you, but I'll be there._

 _THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU. THANK YOU. HATE ME ALL YOU WANT, BUT KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU._

Shaking his head, Logan sighed and typed one more thing.

 _I hope your grandpa's okay. Keep me posted._

 _You're the best friend in the world, Logan Mitchell. I owe you._

 _Yeah, you do. Never again._

 _Deal. Gotta go, Mom's here._

 _Good luck._

* * *

Logan waited until just before stepping into the library to send Kendall a text explaining that he wouldn't be around for lunch. When Kendall reminded him that James wasn't going to be with them, Logan answered that he was aware of that and James had nothing to do with his absence.

Which was actually a complete lie, because James had everything to do with it.

Logan approached the study tables slowly and full of dread, praying that there would be some miracle keeping James from showing. Instead he was greeted by the sight of James Diamond sprawled in a chair that was too small for his long body, the black leather jacket hanging over the chair to leave James in a sleeveless shirt that showed off muscled arms Logan could have lived his entire life without ever having to see.

James glanced up when Logan pulled out the chair next to him, Logan making sure to scoot it as far away as he could while still being able to see the notebook on the table. "Let me make it clear now that I'm only here as a favor to Shannon and this is never going to happen again."

There was no response from James other than rapidly blinking eyes.

"So what's your test on?"

"Where's Shannon?"

"Her grandpa's in the hospital. She had to leave. She begged me to help you for your test."

"And you said yes?"

"I'm just as surprised by it as you are. Let's just get through this so we never have to think about it again. Show me your notes."

Obviously still in shock, James pushed the notebook closer to Logan. "Um. Thanks. I know you hate me."

"You're not you right now. You're a student who needs help."

"Right. But still. Thanks."

"Whatever. Just don't..."

"What?"

"Nothing. Be quiet for a minute so I can look at your notes."

Logan rushed through them as quickly as he could, getting a quick understanding of what James needed to know. "Okay. I'm going to write down the problems you seem to have trouble with and watch you solve them. If you get them wrong, we'll discuss why."

"Sure."

Once Logan did, James went to work on the math, but he couldn't even seem to get through the first problem.

"What is it you don't understand?"

"It's...everything," James whispered. "I can't focus."

"All the time?"

"No, just...right now. I can't focus right now. You make me nervous."

"Me? Why?"

"Probably because I know that you'd rather be anywhere else in the world than in the same room with me."

Logan sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. "I'm putting that aside right now. Isn't that what you told me to do? Set aside my anger toward you?"

"Yeah, I just...you're kind of hard to ignore."

The words were familiar, and it was a second before Logan realized he'd said something similar to Kendall about James. "I don't want you to ignore me. Just forget our differences."

"When differences are all we have, that's kind of hard to do."

"Fine, just...think back to the day we met. Do you even remember that?"

"Of course I remember that," James said in a voice just above a whisper. "How could I forget? I remember how blue the sky was when I looked up at your face. And how you tried to perform CPR on me."

"You didn't even know what that was," Logan chuckled.

"And you asked how many Logans I could see," James smiled. "I could never forget that day."

Wanting desperately to ask how it was possible for James to hate him practically overnight after what they'd shared that day, Logan knew it would be a mistake; he was better off forgetting that day had ever happened. "Well, think of how you felt that day. When you actually liked me."

"And you liked me, too. I'm sorry, Logan. I was a jerk every day after that, and I'm sorry for it. You didn't deserve it."

Though they were the words Logan had dreamed of for years to hear from that mouth, his only reaction was to shrug nonchalantly. "It doesn't matter now, that's in the past. We're not the same people and I'm long past caring about something that happened when we were kids."

"Then why do you hate me so much?"

"James, I'm here to help you with math. Nothing else. Are we going to do this or not?"

"What's the point? You're just gonna hate me again the second you walk out of this room."

"But you'll get a passing grade on your test."

"Not if I can't even solve one problem. Forget it. Thanks for trying, but I'd rather fail a test than sit here with someone who can't even look me in the eye." James stood up, tossing his notebook into a backpack and reaching for his jacket.

"James, I'm willing to help you. Just sit down and-"

"Why should I?" The jacket was whirled around James' shoulders, Logan's gaze following those arms and the muscles moving beneath the skin.

"Because you need to pass this class. Please, James." He reached up to drag James back down to the chair, James allowing it as the jacket fell from his shoulders to settle onto the chair. "People are starting to stare."

"I don't care what people think. I used to, but I grew out of that. Now I just want to be myself and if other people don't like it, they can go to Hell. _All_ of them," James said pointedly, gaze burning into Logan.

Logan fought to ignore the way his body reacted to the words, not wanting to acknowledge that James basically giving the world the finger turned him on. It was refreshing after spending so much time falling for someone who forced him to keep everything a secret. "Fine, I'll go to Hell after you pass your test, okay? For now let's just do this."

"Fine."

"Fine." Logan reached across James to pull the notebook out of his backpack, feeling James' chest against his shoulder and having to close his eyes to regain control before he straightened again. "Here," he said, flipping through the bound book in search of math notes. "Let's just-"

The notebook was snatched roughly from his hands, James crushing it to his chest. "There's private stuff in there."

"Oh my god, I don't care about your private stuff, just find the math notes so we can do this."

"Fine."

Logan waited while James flipped through the pages, keeping the book close to his face so Logan couldn't see the contents.

"I really don't care what's in your notebook, James."

Ignoring that, James continued to turn pages until he found the one they'd been on before. He laid the book down in front of him, pulling out the sheet Logan had written problems on and going to work on them.

After a minute Logan relaxed, seeing that James was actually concentrating on the math, and pulled out his phone to see a text from Kendall.

 _Where are you? So far we've narrowed down Carlos' secret admirer to five people. This is too funny._

Logan smiled, affection for both of them stealing over him. _Are any of them boys?_

 _No. I'm just about to suggest that idea, though. Come join us._

 _I can't. I'm tutoring someone in the library._

 _So it really isn't because you wanted to avoid James? Wait, isn't James supposed to be in the library today?_

 _He's right next to me. He apologized, Kendall. For all of it. I didn't know what to say._

 _See? I told you! Did you forgive him?_

 _Not really. He got mad and tried to leave but I made him stay._

 _Why?_

 _I don't know. Probably because he looks so hot in a sleeveless shirt._

Suddenly paranoid, Logan glanced to his right. James was bent over his math, though, and he relaxed again.

 _Sleeveless? Damn, Logan. Go for it._

 _I have Jack. And besides, James isn't interested in me. Not like that._

 _Well, he's not interested in Shannon, either._

 _He's not? How do you know?_

 _Carlos told me. I asked what was up with them, and Carlos said James said he's not interested. He thinks James might be gay, but James hasn't told him that yet._

 _It doesn't matter. I have Jack._

 _You really don't, though, Logan. I just told Carlos that it's possible his secret admirer's a guy._

 _AND?_

 _He's thinking that over. Doesn't seem freaked out about it._

 _That's good._

"If you're done texting your boyfriend, can we focus on my math for a second?"

Logan started, face turning red as he pocketed the phone. "It's Kendall. You know he's not my boyfriend."

"You guys did kiss."

"So? We were curious."

"And did it help you make any decisions? About your...interests?"

"Yes. It did. Let me see your work."

Logan leaned across James again, picking up the pencil and making marks here and there.

"What are you writing?" James leaned closer to see, his head next to Logan's.

"I'm just marking your mistakes so we can talk about them."

"Oh. Are there really that many?"

James' voice was magic, his hand sliding up Logan's back to settle on his shoulder and making Logan bite his lip so hard he thought he might draw blood. "A few," he managed, his own voice hoarse. He made three more marks before leaning away from James, relieved when the hand dropped and he could breathe again. "Okay. So the uh...the first problem is fine. Perfect. The second one is off. You forgot to multiply in this step."

"Damn. I always forget that."

"Yes, because I can see that pattern in the rest of your work. Fix that in all of them and try again."

James sighed and reached for the pencil. Logan pulled out his phone again.

 _He just said no guy could write poetry like that._

 _Tell him he's wrong, Jack wrote an entire song about me. But don't tell Carlos that._

 _So you read it? How was it?_

 _Incredible. It made me cry. How often do I cry?_

 _Never. Really, it's that good?_

 _Yes. I'm so in love. I want to marry him._

 _Yeah, you'll have to get him to hold your hand in public first._

 _Working on it. You coming over after practice today?_

 _No practice today. So we can walk home together._

 _Thank god. I need you._

 _James making you crazy again?_

 _He touched me._

 _How dare he!_

 _Shut up. I want to sit on his lap and suck on his skin. Is that weird?_

 _I don't know, but Jack might think so._

 _Damn. I hate him._

 _Jack?_

 _No. The other one._

 _No one said you have to like someone to fuck him._

 _Kendall, stop. It's bad enough that his arm keeps brushing mine. You have to lose that bet._

 _Carlos just told me he wants to meet his secret admirer. I can make that happen._

 _You can. You sure you want to?_

"Am I keeping you from something?"

 _Shit._ Logan once again pocketed the phone, clearing his throat. "Sorry. Kendall's really nervous about the secret admirer thing. He needed someone to talk to."

"How's that going? Have they uh...figured out who the admirer is?"

"They narrowed it down to five," Logan laughed. "And apparently Carlos isn't averse to the idea that it might be a guy, except he says no guy could write poetry like that."

"Oh, that's not true. Guys can write romantic stuff, too."

Thinking of Jack, Logan smiled. "Yeah, they can."

"Ever had someone write you a poem?"

Logan shrugged. "Something like that."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Did you like it?"

"I'm really not comfortable discussing that with you, James."

"Yeah. Well, check my answers again."

Sensing that the words had hurt James and hating the fact that he actually felt guilty about it, Logan admitted, "I loved it. I wish I could be romantic like that."

"Romance comes in all forms, Logan. Sometimes it's as simple as doing something nice for someone."

"That just sounds like a favor."

"Depends on your reason for doing the favor, I guess. Like, my mom was dating this guy once who took her car to get it washed and she thought that was romantic."

"Really? Now that sounds like something I'd do."

"See? You can be romantic."

Logan chuckled, focusing on the math again. "We don't have much time left. Okay, you did great on these four problems, but look here. You missed a decimal point."

"Where?"

When James leaned closer to him, resting his arm on the back of Logan's chair in order to scoot closer, Logan bit his lip again. When their thighs brushed together, he squeezed his own knee hard enough to bruise. "Here."

"Oh. Hang on." James reached for the pencil and made a little dot. "Good?"

"Perfect. Now on this last problem, you missed the-" James' hair tickled Logan's ear, causing him to stop breathing.

"The what?"

"The uh..." What were they talking about? Logan turned his face to the right, his lips a mere inch from James' chin, and when a thumb rubbed lightly against his back he shivered. The next few seconds passed in slow motion, James' face turning toward his until they were staring into each others' eyes and both were breathing shallowly. Logan was powerless to resist the kiss he knew was coming, and their noses bumped before they corrected themselves and leaned in to-

"James! Logan! Where are you?"

Logan stood from the table in a flash, body trembling as he turned away from James to see Carlos rushing toward them, Kendall on his heels looking smug.

"Hey," James greeted them, as if he hadn't been just about to kiss someone and had it horribly interrupted. "Find your secret admirer?"

"No, but Kendall's gonna help me figure out which of these girls it is. Here, James, check this out." He shoved a piece of paper into James' hand. "Which one do you think is most likely?"

Logan picked up his pack and dragged Kendall to him. "Come with me. Now."

"What's wrong?" Kendall whispered.

"Now," was all Logan said, leaving Kendall to call back a goodbye as he was pulled along behind Logan.

It became obvious to Kendall what Logan needed the second they were closed away in a bathroom stall together and Logan's mouth was suffocating him. He offered no complaints when he was shoved down onto the toilet and Logan straddled his hips, but when Logan began to grind over him in a way that had him hissing in a breath, Kendall ripped his lips away. "Don't you dare make me come right now, I don't have a change of pants."

"Kendall, I need this."

"We're gonna get caught and expelled. Neither of us can afford that."

"Don't throw logic in my face, I'm the king of logic. And right now it's the last thing I want to hear."

"But it's exactly what you _need_ to hear. What are you gonna do when Carlos becomes my boyfriend and we can't do this anymore?"

"Is that probable?"

"Maybe. I'm working on it. And what happens when Jack does come around and starts wanting to date you in public but you still react like this whenever James touches you?"

"I don't know. Avoid James?"

"How did you end up with him today, anyway?"

"Shannon begged me to help because she had to leave. I felt bad saying no. Next thing I know he's in my space and I can't even think straight and he's about to kiss me but you two barged in and ruined that."

"About to...dude, are you serious? He almost kissed you?"

"Yeah. Definitely gay. What the hell am I gonna do, Kendall? I can't even sit next to him without wanting to rip his clothes off. And why is that? What is it about him that's so amazing? He's just a guy. Why can't Jack make me feel like that?"

"Maybe because you've never kissed Jack."

"I've never kissed James, either, and look at the way he makes me feel."

"True. I don't know, Logan. But if you'd stop fighting it, you'd probably be a lot happier."

"I just need to convince Jack to take a chance with me. That's all. Once I have Jack, I won't be so focused on James, and all of this will go away."

"Think so, do you?"

"I know so. When I get home, I'm having a serious talk with Jack. You don't write a song like that about someone and get away with pretending they hardly exist in person."

"Show me that song."

Logan stood up and dug it out of his pocket, leaning against the stall door with his arms crossed over his chest while waiting for Kendall to finish it.

"Damn. That puts my cookie poem to shame."

"It doesn't, yours was perfect for Carlos. And that? That's perfect for me. It's like he knows my heart, Kendall. Tell me that's not the perfect guy for me."

"That's the perfect guy for you," Kendall nodded.

"See? It sounds like he wants to take that step and go public, right?"

"It does. What's all this stuff about making mistakes and learning from them?"

"I don't know. Maybe keeping it a secret? Maybe it's his way of saying he knows he's been wrong and is ready to change it?"

"Could be. So talk to him today. See if you can change his mind. And if not...maybe you should set your sights elsewhere."

"But I want this," Logan argued, grabbing the paper and shaking it in Kendall's face. "Nobody else has this. Sure, James is hot, but if he can't do this, then he's not the guy for me."

"Tell that to your raging hormones, because they certainly think he's the guy for you."

"I hate him."

"Too bad your body doesn't. You calm enough to function now? Because we're late to class."

"What? No way! There goes my perfect attendance. Fuck him for screwing that up, too. I hate him!"

"Remember that next time you're sitting close enough to kiss him," Kendall teased.

"Shut up. That's never gonna happen again. Ever."

"Unless I win my bet. Two hours in the dark with him, Logan. Should I pick a romantic movie, one with lots of poetry and kisses under stars and making out on the sand?"

"Fuck you. You never said I had to sit next to him. He can sit at one end, I'll sit at the other."

"Nope. That wasn't part of the bet. You're sitting next to him."

"You're not gonna win."

"Actually, I think I am. Carlos pretty much worships me right now."

"Because he thinks you're helping him find a girl. Think about that for a second, Kendall."

"Oh, like your love life is any less fucked up than mine?"

Logan let out a sigh and banged his head back against the door. "You're right. We're both screwed."

"Yup. Go home and give him an ultimatum."

"I promised him I wouldn't."

"Fine, but until he claims you, you're a free agent. You kiss me plenty. Kiss James instead. See how that makes you feel."

"I hate you. I can't wait until you lose that bet and I never have to listen to this crap again."

"Keep dreaming, Logie. Especially tonight, when you fall asleep and he's kissing you in the movie theater."

"Go to Hell."

But of course now that Kendall had put the vision in his head, Logan knew it would show up in his dreams.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N-Thank you again to those who are reading this! I can't reply to the ones who don't sign in, but for the one who reviewed and said you love this story and can't wait for more, thank you so much! Comments like that make me excited to keep posting, too.

* * *

Though he'd come to enjoy his alone time with Jack, today Logan was relieved to have Kendall present. Kendall was a source of strength, and more importantly if Logan tried to back out, Kendall wouldn't allow it.

"Just be firm," Kendall coached from the chair next to Logan's. "Be nice about it, but be firm. You deserve a guy who will hold your hand, Logan."

"I know, I just...I don't want to lose him. What if I push and he just keeps going instead of coming closer?"

With a shrug, Kendall replied, "Then it wasn't meant to be."

"Easy for you to say. You're not on the verge of losing moonlit kisses and romantic skates on frozen ponds."

"Hey, do you think it's easy risking my friendship with Carlos? For all I know, you're right and he'll hate me for making a move on him. No matter how much he loves flowers and poems, it could change his entire view once he knows it's me. I could scar him so badly that yellow roses scare him for the rest of his life."

"Then why are you doing it?" Logan asked, swiveling the desk chair to face Kendall. "Why risk that when Carlos means so much to you?"

" _Because_ he means so much to me," Kendall answered with a patient smile. "And if Jack does to you, then it's worth the risk. I know he's scared, but he'd be crazy to walk away from you. I just hope he's smart enough to realize that. And hey, there's always James to make out with in a dark movie theater," he smirked.

"Oh shut up, I can't think about him right now. All I need is for Jack to make me feel like that in person, and once he does I can forget about James."

"So...what happens if you start dating Jack officially and still have those feelings for James?"

"Then I avoid James completely. We already talked about this. He apologized, there's nothing more for him to say. He can move on now and so can I."

"Logan, you can't even sit next to him without-"

"Okay, can we stop talking about it? Please just let me win this bet already so I never have to hear his name again."

"Fine, fine. Nothing from Romeo yet?"

"No. He usually doesn't come on until later."

"Good, you can help me figure out what to say to Carlos while we wait."

"What do you mean?"

Logan watched Kendall open his notebook to a fresh page. "I'm going to invite him to the movies."

"Can't you just call him?"

"No, the secret admirer is. And then I'll show up, and...is that a bad idea?"

Logan considered that while biting his lip. "I don't know if you want to do it in public. What if it ends badly?"

"He won't make a scene in a public place."

"This is Carlos we're talking about, Kendall. He makes a scene whenever he opens his mouth."

Kendall sighed, leaning his chin on his hand and tapping the notebook with a pencil. "You're right. But I think he cares enough about me to let me down easy, at the very least."

"Unless he's mad."

"Oh god, what if he's mad?"

"Exactly."

"But how else am I gonna do this?"

"Maybe have him meet you someplace private."

"I was really counting on the public place, Logan. Besides, I'm gonna be terrified and I need you with me. The movies is perfect."

"You want me there? Really?"

"Please. If it goes wrong, I'll need you. And you can keep me from chickening out, like I'm doing with you today. Besides, if he does get mad, you can calm him down and keep him from making a scene."

"Me? Kendall, when have I ever been able to control Carlos? He doesn't listen to me, he listens to you."

"And James," Kendall said slowly.

"What?"

"He listens to James. I've seen it. So between the two of you, it should be fine."

Logan opened his mouth, then closed it again. He watched Kendall write the word "Carlos" at the top of the paper before trying one more time. "You're not inviting both me and James."

"It's part of the bet anyway, Logan."

"That's only if you win."

"Logan, come on, can't you just be an adult for once?"

"Excuse me? You don't know what it's like to-"

Kendall threw down the pencil, cutting off Logan's tirade. "You're right, I don't. But I do know that he's tried to talk to you and he even apologized, and you're still holding a bunch of shit against him that happened ten years ago."

"Eight."

"Who cares?" Kendall yelled, exasperated. "Do you know how many times he's asked me to talk to you, to try to get you to at least give him a chance?"

Heart beating faster now, Logan licked his lips. "He has?"

" _Yes._ Logan...the guy just wants to make peace with you. And if you two almost kissed, I'd say he wants even more than that. I know you're in love with Jack, and I get that, but can't you at least be civil to James? He's done all that he can do to make it up to you. He said he was sorry. What more does he have to do?"

Closing his eyes, Logan lifted his hands to his face to rub over them. "It's not that simple, Kendall. I can forgive him, but there's no way I can allow myself to ever get close to him."

"Why not?"

"Because he'll hurt me again. If I didn't feel so much every time he's near...it terrifies me. I can't give him that power over me. Why is that so hard to understand?"

Kendall considered that, searching for the right words, and when he spoke it was in a soft voice. "Do you think this isn't scary for me? I told you, I'm terrified, too. I've never loved anyone before. Carlos has the power to devastate me."

"Because you give him that power."

"And I'm choosing to, because if I don't, I'll never know. At some point you have to take a risk, Logan. Otherwise you can't ever know what might be."

"I'm not big on risks, you know."

"Yeah. I do know. But you're taking one with Jack."

"Jack's worth it."

"James might be, too. He could end up being the best friend you ever have in your life."

Logan made an incredulous sound and shook his head. "No, that's you."

"I'm just saying, Logan. Open your eyes. He's a great guy."

"I don't want to see that," Logan replied in a tiny voice. "It's easier to hate him."

"I know, buddy. But at some point you have to take that leap."

"What if I do and-" The chime cut him off, Logan jolted by the sound. "Shit. He's early. He's never around before five."

"It's okay, you can do this. Be strong, Logan."

"But I promised him. I promised I wouldn't push."

"He also promised you walks on the beach or some other nonsense. At the rate you two are going, that's never gonna happen."

"Walks on the beach are not nonsense, Kendall. It's called romance. You should try it sometime."

"Hey, I rhymed for Carlos. Don't tell me that's not romantic."

Logan chuckled, grateful again Kendall was here because laughter helped his nerves. "Okay. Here goes."

He accepted the chat request, firmly shoving James out of his mind.

 _Jack: Hey. You home?_

 _Logan: Right here. How was your day?_

Next to him, Kendall rolled his eyes. "Quit making small talk. Get to the point."

"It's called manners, Kendall. Let me do this my way."

 _Jack: Okay. Can we talk?_

 _Logan: Isn't that what we're doing? :P_

 _Jack: No, I mean serious talk._

 _Logan: Sure. Everything okay?_

"Oh god, this is it. He's going to tell me he changed his mind and doesn't like guys."

"Logan, will you relax? Why do you always assume the worst?"

"Because when I don't, I get my heart broken." As he spoke, his eyes roamed over the next words and he smiled.

 _Jack: First, did you like the song?_

 _Logan: I loved it. You actually made me cry in study hall. Kendall will tell you, that's not easy to do._

 _Jack: Yeah? I meant it. I want you to know that, that I meant every word._

 _Logan: Good. Because it sounds like you've decided to give us a chance._

 _Jack: Logan, I don't know how to say this, but I can't. I want to, but I just can't. Not with a guy._

Logan blinked at the words on the screen, reading them a few times because he couldn't believe he was seeing them.

"Fuck," Kendall breathed next to him. "Motherfucker. Logan-"

Logan shook his head, the tears blurring his vision as the familiar empty feeling washed over him. "See?" he whispered. "He broke my heart." The tears fell freely then, dripping onto his wrists but he didn't even notice. "Kendall, tell me I'm reading that wrong. Please."

Just then another message came through.

 _Jack: I'm so sorry. Please believe me, I meant everything I said the past few days, you're gorgeous and funny and I've loved talking with you, but when I think about actually dating a guy, I can't go through with it._

Kendall reached for the keyboard, Logan dragging it back at the last second. "Don't."

"This is bullshit."

 _Logan: Was this some cruel joke to you?_

 _Jack: NO! No, I swear. There's just too much at stake._

 _Logan: Did you and Shannon talk? Are you getting back together?_

 _Jack: No. I promise._

 _Logan: Your promises mean nothing, obviously._

 _Jack: I'm sorry._

 _Logan: That's all you ever say. If you were that sorry, you wouldn't keep hurting me._

 _Jack: Please know that I've enjoyed talking with you. I'm going to miss it._

"Seriously?" Kendall growled. "He has the fucking nerve to say that?"

"And you tell me to take a leap with James," Logan mumbled. "This is why I don't open my heart, Kendall."

"He's an idiot. You don't need that shit."

"But I wanted it," Logan whispered, closing his eyes against more tears that wanted to break free. "I wanted the hand holding, and the kisses, and the sand. God, I wanted it so bad."

"Aww, Logan." Kendall slid an arm around him and pulled him in tight, Logan not fighting it but leaning into him to let the flood escape. Without a word Kendall reached out to close the chat session, and when another chime came through a minute later he pressed the power button to shut the computer down completely.

"No wait, what did he-"

"It doesn't matter. He doesn't deserve another second of your time, Logan."

"What's so wrong with me? Why will no one love me?"

"Because they're idiots. Shannon loved you."

"Why can't she be a boy?"

Kendall chuckled, rubbing Logan's back soothingly and hugging him closer. "I'm sorry, dude. I really am. I know how much you cared about him."

"I fell in love with a lie. Did he even mean anything he said? How can I face him at school now?"

"Don't. Treat him the way you treat James."

"Please, Kendall, I can't talk about James right now. For once, just give me five minutes of peace."

Kendall nodded, holding his silence while allowing Logan to cry it out. When the sniffles tapered off, he used a nearby tissue to dry Logan's face before kissing him softly. "There's nothing wrong with you. If I wasn't so crazy over Carlos, I would've snatched you up months ago."

That brought a small smile to Logan's lips. "Thanks. You sure you want to go through with that? You might end up like me, sobbing into your best friend's shirt."

"Willing to risk it. Want me to stay the night?"

Logan considered that, knowing that the moment he was alone he'd break down again, but then shook his head. "I'll call you if I need you."

"You gonna lay in bed and cry all night?"

"Probably. But I'll be okay tomorrow."

"Will you?"

"I'll have to be. Why is he so afraid to date a guy?"

Kendall shrugged. "We don't know what his home life is like. Or _do_ you?"

"No. He didn't want to talk about it. Said he didn't like to talk about his family."

"So maybe he has asshole parents who'd kick him out for being gay. We don't have to worry about that, so it's easier. At least...I hope we don't. Have you told your mom?"

"No. But she wouldn't kick me out. I get that it's scary; I'm nervous about telling my family, too. But not enough to keep me from doing it."

"Same. He's a coward. You deserve so much better, Logan."

"I guess," Logan sighed. "Now you're gonna tell me this is for the best, right? That it wasn't meant to be and it's better that it happened now before I fell more in love?"

"Pretty much."

"Yeah. Doesn't really help the pain."

"Not right now," Kendall nodded. "But eventually it will. That logical side of you will come out and stomp down on the emotions, just like it always does."

"It's not always a bad thing, you know. To feel nothing."

"Remind me of that when I'm crying over Carlos tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure," Logan chuckled, reaching for another tissue. "Wait, tomorrow? What's tomorrow?"

"The movie date. I'm gonna slip a note into his gym bag during the game tonight, tell him to meet me at the movies tomorrow night."

"Oh, crap. The game. I forgot about the game. You need to go."

"I've got time. And you're not allowed to stay home and mope, you promised you'd come to the games."

"No, Kendall. Not tonight. Don't make me face people. What if Jack is there?"

"He won't be, he never goes to the games. And if he is, just ignore him. You're good at that."

Logan stood from the chair, needing space. "No. I'm not going anywhere."

"You can cry after the game. Besides, I need you to pass on a message to James for me, and I know he'll be at the game."

Logan's jaw dropped. "Are you serious? After everything I just went through, you're forcing me to talk to James? Do you not understand that I'm in an emotionally fragile state right now?"

"Logan, please! I need your help!"

"Don't make me talk to James."

"You're my best friend. You're supposed to be there for me."

After glaring at Kendall for laying on the guilt trip, Logan asked, "What is it you need to say to James?"

"I need to make sure he goes with Carlos tomorrow night, but I have to do it in a way that he doesn't know I'm the secret admirer."

Logan fell into the chair again. "He knows."

"James?"

"Yes. He knows it's you."

"You told him?!"

"No, he figured it out on his own. And he promised not to say anything."

"Oh. Really?" Kendall smiled. "So he's okay with me dating Carlos?"

"I would assume so, though he did agree with me that Carlos has never expressed any interest in guys."

"Quit throwing that in my face. Please. I'm already scared enough."

"Sorry." Unwilling to cave in to the grief threatening to overwhelm him again, Logan slid the notebook closer to him and picked up the pencil. "Make sure to tell him what movie and what time."

"So you'll do it? You'll talk to James for me?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"I'd do it, but I don't know for sure I can get to him before or after the game."

"I'm not sitting with him."

"I'm not asking you to. Just find him and tell him the plan, ask if he'll be there. Tell him to do it for me. Better yet, tell him to do it for you. That guy would do anything for you."

"Except pay attention to me when I needed him to."

"Well, he's paying attention to you now. Don't spit on that."

"Too late."

"It's never too late, Logan."

Remembering the song lyrics Jack had mentioned once, Logan sighed. "Sometimes it really is, Kendall."

* * *

As usual, Logan felt James before he saw him. His heart skittered in his chest and he braced himself for the hand on his shoulder that didn't surprise him when it came from the bench behind him.

"Hey."

There was that voice, directly in his ear from above and behind. As badly as Logan was hurting over the loss of Jack, it still made him weak. He thought about what Kendall would have to say about that and it only made him angrier.

"Can I...?" When Logan remained silent, James tried again. "Please, Logan."

Steeling himself harder, Logan scooted to the right enough for James to slide down onto the bench next to him. At least this way he wasn't touching Logan, so that was better.

"Thanks."

"Kendall wanted me to talk to you anyway." Keeping his gaze straight ahead, Logan was barely aware of the teams warming up until Kendall glanced up to see them together. He nodded at Logan in encouragement, and Logan sighed. "About Carlos."

"Oh." Having not expected that, James relaxed enough that their shoulders touched. "What's up?"

"He's going to ask Carlos to meet him at the movies tomorrow night. As the secret admirer."

"Ah. Okay?"

"And he'd like you to be there in case Carlos takes it badly. He says you know how to handle Carlos when he gets crazy."

James chuckled, the movement making his arm brush against Logan's. "I guess I do. But why does he want to do that in a public place?"

"That's what I said. But that's what he wants, so he asked if you'd be there."

"Yeah, I can do that. What time?"

"The movie starts at seven. Can you come with Carlos, in case he needs someone to go home with?"

"Sure, no problem."

"Thanks. Kendall appreciates it."

James nodded, both of them still facing the ice as if afraid to look at each other. In Logan's case, that was true. He wondered if James would leave now, unsure if that was something he wanted or dreaded.

"Will you be there?" James asked suddenly.

Logan swallowed hard, trying to ignore the urge to lay his head on James' shoulder just because it was there. "Kendall wants me to be."

"He might need a friend, too."

"Yeah. That's why he wants me there."

"So I'll...see you tomorrow night, then?"

The fact that James sounded nervous made it harder to hate him. "Probably."

"Cool. Can we um...can we talk about what happened earlier? In the library?"

Logan's eyes fell closed and he looked away before shaking his head. "Not tonight. Please. I can't handle it tonight."

James nodded slowly, but Logan could feel his disappointment. "Rough day?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay."

The game started then and Logan half-expected James to get up and move; he certainly wouldn't have blamed James for it since he wasn't exactly inviting him to stay, but James remained where he was and Logan took comfort in it. Five minutes in, James spoke again.

"I know you hate me, but if you ever need someone to talk to and Kendall's not around, I'm a good listener."

The offer surprised Logan, so much that he turned to look at James for the first time since he'd sat down. Immediately he regretted it, because not only was James wearing the jeans from earlier that hugged him just right, he had on that soft leather jacket that did strange things to Logan. To his credit, James kept his gaze straight ahead on the ice, and Logan was grateful for that.

"I...thanks."

James nodded, and it was another five minutes before Logan said softly, "I was kind of dumped today."

Shocked by the confession, James finally glanced over at Logan, who was now the one focused on the action below them. "I'm sorry. I didn't even know you were seeing someone."

"I wasn't, not really. But I thought it would get to that point, he said things...well. Enough to make me think he was falling for me."

"But he wasn't?"

Logan shrugged. "Said he wasn't interested in dating a guy."

"Sounds like a cop-out."

Shrugging again, Logan didn't reply.

"You can do better, you know."

"That's what Kendall says."

"He knows you best. Sounds like that wasn't meant to be, and there's something better out there waiting for you."

"Whatever. I think I'm done with love. All it does it hurt me."

"You just haven't loved the right person yet. He's out there, Logan."

"It's kind of hard to believe that when I can't even trust. You ever had your heart broken?"

"Yes," James answered softly.

"So you know, then. How hard it is to trust again."

"Doesn't mean you give up. You just...keep hoping that one day it'll happen. Even when it seems impossible. I mean, take us for example. I never thought you'd talk to me again, but we're sitting here together anyway."

"Don't remind me."

"I apologized, Logan. And I mean it from the bottom of my heart. I'd give anything to go back to third grade and undo the way I treated you."

"You can't."

"I know. And it fucking kills me, because you won't even look at me."

Slowly Logan turned his face to James', their eyes meeting and that same warmth flooding him that always did when he was caught in that hazel gaze. Gone was the sound of skates skidding around on ice, gone was the too-loud voice of an announcer, gone was the small crowd surrounding them. When James' hand lifted to cup his cheek, Logan leaned into the touch, and it was only the blare of an obnoxious horn that broke through his trance, causing him to jerk and look away as James' now-empty hand squeezed into itself.

A second later Logan moved to stand, but James reached out to drag him back down by the sleeve. "Don't. You don't have to talk to me, but don't walk away from me again. Please. Just...sit here with me."

His hormones and emotions in upheaval, Logan considered standing again but then James' hand was covering his wrist, thumb rubbing gently over the skin. Rather than throw his body into chaos the way James' touch usually did, the sensation was soothing, Logan letting out a long breath and feeling himself relax.

Once Logan was calm again, James asked, "Do you miss it?"

"What?"

"This. Do you miss playing?"

Logan nodded. "Yeah. You?"

"A lot. In a way it's been good, I'm doing better in math, but I miss the practices and the games."

"How'd your test go?"

"Better. I kept forgetting that one step but remembered what you said and fixed everything, so we'll see."

"And the decimals?" Logan teased.

"Forgot that, too," James laughed, fingers squeezing Logan's wrist. "If I passed the test, I owe you lunch."

"I can't take all the credit," Logan argued. "Shannon worked with you for-"

"Shannon didn't teach me anything. She was too busy trying to figure out how to make me kiss her."

Logan arched an eyebrow, chancing a glance at James. "And did she figure that out?"

"Nope. She spent two days on that problem, but never got anywhere."

 _And yet all it takes is a look from me to make that happen._ A smug smile appeared on Logan's face.

"Hungry?"

"What?" Logan asked, returning to the moment.

"Did you eat dinner?"

"Oh. No, there wasn't time."

"Can I buy you something? A hot dog? Pretzel?"

Logan shook his head. "Thanks, but a hot dog and a pretzel isn't going to fix eight years of pain."

"God, I wish I could take that back. You don't know how badly I wish that, Logan."

"You can't."

"So you said." James stood up, dropping Logan's wrist in the process. "You sure you don't want anything?"

"Positive."

The moment James was gone Logan missed him, and he groaned inwardly. _This is why, Kendall. This feeling right here. Every time I get close to him..._

On the ice, the opposing team called a time out. While skating toward his own team's huddle, Kendall found Logan in the audience and silently asked the question. Logan gave him a thumbs up, Kendall grinning before being dragged into the huddle by Carlos.

It was intermission before James returned, Logan having begun to think he wasn't going to. When he pressed a box full of food into Logan's hands, Logan looked up in surprise. "What's this for?"

"Because you're hungry but you hate me too much to take anything from me. So you don't get a choice."

James lowered himself to the bench again, Logan giving in and taking the drink he passed over. "Thanks."

"Anytime. Anything you need, Logan, just ask."

"Why do you keep being nice to me when I'm so rude to you?"

"Because I'm hoping that'll change. And I have a lot of years to make up for. Might as well start now."

"With hot dogs?"

"Whatever it takes. I didn't put onions on them, because I'm secretly hoping you'll throw yourself at me passionately and kiss me with abandon, and I don't want to taste that crap when you do."

The words shocked Logan into a laugh that turned into choking. James patted his back.

"You okay?"

"Did you really just say that?"

"I did. I finally decided that I have nothing to lose. You already hate me, so what's the worst that can happen if I piss you off? You hate me more? I'll risk it, because it can't get any worse than that. I'm just sorry someone else beat me to roses, because that was my ace in the hole."

Logan couldn't help but smile, James easily chipping away at the wall he'd built over the years. "Listen, I'm not emotionally in a good place to date anyone right now. I'm still hurt over what happened today and I appreciate that you're trying, but..." He shook his head. "It's not gonna happen, James. Even if I _was_ able to forget the past eight years."

The disappointment showed clearly in James' eyes, but he nodded and kept his voice light when he answered. "You're the one missing out on a goodnight kiss after a perfect date under the stars."

Mixed with the pain those words brought was a yearning Logan stomped down on until it was a faint glimmer inside his heart. Instead of replying he stuffed his face with food, James giving him the silence he needed to get his feelings in order. Their dinner was devoured and the game into the third period before either spoke again.

"So it's too late to go back and change everything you did before you moved," Logan stated suddenly.

James nodded, unsurprised by the words. "So you keep saying."

"But..."

Perking up, James turned to face Logan, who stared straight ahead. "But?"

"But it's not too late to start over. As friends."

"I'll take it. You mean it?"

Logan shrugged. "Well, if Carlos and Kendall end up dating, it's going to make things awkward for them if their best friends hate each other."

"I never hated you, Logan."

"Oh please, you hated me the first day of third grade."

"No, I didn't."

"You glared at me! And then you acted like I didn't exist! For four years."

"That doesn't mean I hated you."

"Well, you certainly didn't like me."

James bit his lip, gaze dropping from Logan's face.

"Exactly. So in the interest of our friends, and since you honestly seem repentant about the way you treated me, we can start over. If you want."

"Of course I want," James grinned, squeezing Logan's wrist.

"But just as friends. I can't...I'm not willing to open my heart to anyone. Not for a long time, and maybe never again."

"I understand. I'm happy with friendship. Just...don't hate me anymore."

Logan nodded, holding out his right hand. "Friends?"

James took it and shook, and Logan ignored that even that simple touch set him on fire. "Friends."

"Good. Because I could really use one tonight."

"Right here."

When James slid an arm around Logan's waist, rather than move away he leaned into James, past caring how he might feel about it in the morning. What he needed now was everything James had to offer, and he was grateful that James said nothing when Logan laid his head on James' shoulder; all James did was tighten his grip on Logan, who closed his eyes and let peace fall over him.

From the ice below, Kendall grinned at James and offered a thumbs up. James smiled in return, praying Logan didn't change his mind once his head took over again.


	10. Chapter 10

When Logan looked back on that game years later, he imagined they must have made quite the sight-two high school guys who would normally have been up and cheering (or yelling, as James tended to do) instead cuddled together as if there wasn't a bloodthirsty hockey match playing out before them.

But for the remainder of that game, Logan was content to not think at all; not about Jack, not about the fact that he might regret this when it was over, not even about how Kendall would never let him live this down. He was safe from the world, and when the crowd surrounding them began to move as one mass, he was reluctant to face reality again.

It wasn't as if James was willing to let him go, anyway. Rather than move, James tightened his arm to keep Logan near and spoke softly when he did. "Do you have a ride home?"

"Yeah. Kendall's mom is here somewhere. She had to work but was going to come after, with his sister."

"Okay."

"You?"

"Yeah. I'm staying over at Carlos' tonight."

"I might just stay at Kendall's. I can't decide if I want to be alone or not."

"Can I give you my number, in case you ever need a friend and he's not around?"

Logan tensed, the situation suddenly becoming real. What was he doing, sitting here in James' embrace with his head on James' shoulder? He sat up fast, putting distance between them.

"Just when I thought I was getting somewhere," James sighed.

"I told you I'm not interested in-"

"That was an offer of friendship, Logan. Nothing more."

Feeling guilty for the hurt in James' eyes, Logan nodded. "I'm sorry. I appreciate the offer, just...not yet."

"You still don't trust me?"

The truth was that Logan didn't trust himself. He could only imagine how often he'd call James in moments of weakness, just to hear that voice. And then he'd fall again, and just when he was too far gone to think straight (wasn't he already pretty much there anyway?), James would turn against him. Probably for no reason, as he had in third grade.

"I...it's complicated."

"I can only apologize so many times, Logan. At some point you have to meet me halfway."

Staring into James' eyes now, feeling the heat where their knees still touched, hearing his heart pounding even over the chaos around them, Logan wanted nothing more.

And it scared him so badly he wanted to run again.

"James! James, check this out! We're going on a date tomorrow!"

As usual, Carlos' excitement couldn't be ignored. Both turned to see him climbing the bleachers, clad in regular clothing but still sweaty, a duffel hanging off his shoulder while Kendall followed holding two sets of sticks and sporting a smug smile.

"Carlos, this is so sudden," James joked. "You haven't even confessed your love to me yet."

"Shut up, you dork!" Carlos laughed. "No, look, I got another note!" He waved the paper in James' face until James was able to grab it and read the invitation to a movie. "Kendall says he can't come with me, so you're it. My wingman."

James smirked at Kendall over Carlos' shoulder, Kendall pressing two hands together and silently begging. "Did you two ever figure out who the mystery girl might be?" he asked innocently.

"No, but Kendall thinks it could be a guy. Wait. Is it you, James?" Carlos asked, eyes wide.

"No," James laughed. "Not me. I've got my own guy I'm crazy about." He didn't in any way motion or gesture toward Logan, but Kendall smirked at them both anyway.

"So you admit you're gay?" Carlos blurted, loud enough to make all of them wince.

"Carlos, use a little discretion," Logan scolded. "The entire world doesn't need to know."

Chagrined, Carlos bowed his head. "Sorry. But it's not me, right?"

"Not you," James reiterated. Hoping to steer Carlos away from the conversation, he added, "And yes, I'll be your wingman tomorrow."

"Awesome! You can help me get ready, make sure I look good. Gotta impress my date, right?"

Logan smiled, finding Carlos' enthusiasm adorable. "I don't think you have anything to worry about, Carlos. Your date's going to love you."

"Hope so! Hey, Logan, did you ever figure out who your admirer was?"

Immediately the pain was back, both Kendall and James adopting expressions of sympathy.

"I always knew," Logan managed. "But that's over."

"Already? Did you even get a date?"

When Logan shook his head, fighting back tears, a strong arm stole around his waist. "I'm fine," he mumbled, but as that was obviously not the case, James only tightened his grip.

"Mom's coming," Kendall stated. "We need to get going, Logan."

Logan stood, reaching down to squeeze James' shoulder when he saw the concern still written on his face. "I'm okay."

"I'll be with Carlos, if you need anything. Anything at all, Logan."

"Thanks."

He spun at the sound of Kendall's little sister yelling up at them to hurry because she was missing her favorite show, then hugged Carlos goodbye. "Good luck on your date tomorrow. I hope your secret admirer is everything you want."

"Hey, hockey and cookies? What more could I want?! Ooo, maybe she'll bring me brownies, baked with her own hands!"

That brought a genuine laugh from Logan, James joining in as they glanced at Kendall's pale face. "You never know," Logan grinned. "Goodnight, James. Thanks for dinner."

"Anytime. Maybe sometime I can buy you popcorn and candy at the movies," he hinted.

"We'll see."

When Katie yelled again, Logan allowed himself to be led away, as usual feeling the emptiness once James was out of his orbit. He distracted himself by focusing on Kendall's plight instead. "I take it we're baking brownies tomorrow?" he teased.

"I don't know how to make brownies!" Kendall whined.

"Relax, I'll help you. Why don't we make some with kisses on the top? He'd love that. It's a silent indication that you want to kiss him."

"What am I supposed to do, sneak them into the theater?"

"I'll figure something out. Don't even worry about it, Kendall; _this_ is a problem I can handle."

It was over an hour later and Kendall had been fed and showered when they finally escaped to his bedroom. Kendall sat on the bed and watched Logan change into a t-shirt and sweats before asking, "So are we playing video games or do you need to talk?"

"I don't know," Logan sighed, sinking down next to him. "I'm...hurt. Kind of empty inside. I didn't know how empty I was until I knew what it felt like to be loved. Or...whatever that was." He stared down at his clasped hands, trying not to let the pain overwhelm him again.

"I don't know if it was love or not. I mean, to be honest you barely knew the guy."

"But we became close in a short period of time. He made it sound like he's had a crush on me for a long time. And the things he said...I can't figure out if it was all a bunch of lies or if he really felt those things."

"I think he was just confused, Logan. Maybe he wanted something to come from it, and I don't doubt that what he said was true. But when it came time to make it real, it wasn't worth the hassle."

"So I'm a hassle?"

"No, of course not. That's not what I'm saying." Kendall took Logan's hand in both of his. "You're an amazing guy. Smart and funny and gorgeous, and there's someone out there who's going to appreciate that enough to take the risk. Maybe there already is," he hinted softly. When Logan's eyes closed and he shook his head, Kendall pressed, "I saw you two up there. You don't even know who won the game, do you?"

"We did. I could still hear what was going on, Kendall."

"You looked like you were in another world."

Logan shrugged, hugging one arm around his stomach.

"Can I ask you a question without you getting mad and yelling at me?"

"Go ahead, you're going to whether I like it or not. And I don't think I have any anger left in me tonight. I'm just drained and sad and...feeling worthless."

"You're not worthless. I promise. But how did it feel?"

"How did what feel?"

"Sitting with him like that. Acting like...a couple."

Logan was quiet as he considered it, then said, "I really don't want to think about that right now. I'm sorry."

"Logan, I _saw_ you. I know you, I know what you were feeling, I-"

"Then why did you ask?"

"Because I want _you_ to know it. I've never seen you at peace like that, at least admit he makes you feel different than anyone else."

"He always has." Logan laid his head on Kendall's shoulder exactly like he had on James' earlier, and while it was soothing it wasn't quite the same. Maybe because James had been hugging him close. "Put your arm around me."

"What?"

"Like this." Logan took one of the hands he'd been holding and wrapped it around his waist, pulling it tight before returning his head to Kendall's shoulder. "I feel safe."

"That's good. You are safe with me."

"Yeah."

"And you feel safe with him?"

"Yeah," Logan admitted.

"What else?"

"It's not something I can really put into words, Kendall. It's..." Logan sighed, searching for a way to describe it out loud. "Just a feeling of..."

Kendall waited patiently, and when a single word slipped out of Logan's mouth, he smiled. "I'm sorry, I can barely hear you."

After swallowing and taking a deep breath, Logan repeated, "Right. It feels right."

Nodding, Kendall said, "It looked right, too. Just so you know."

"Kendall, there are so many reasons why I can't let him in. You know that. Look what happened with Jack, and I wasn't nearly as invested in him."

"No? Could've fooled me." In a passable imitation of Logan, Kendall mimicked, "I'm in love. I want to marry him."

"Shut up," Logan chuckled, elbowing Kendall's side. "The things he said...I wanted them. I wanted all those things."

"Doesn't mean you can't have them with someone else."

"Come on, can you see James Diamond writing songs for me? Taking me skating? Kissing me on a beach?"

"I don't know, he did spend four years in California."

"Really? That's where he moved to?"

"Yeah. Came back because his mom opened another branch of her company out here. He's actually worried they might not stay more than a year or so."

A mixture of panic and emptiness flooded Logan at the thought. "Even more reason for me to not get involved with him."

"Don't act like you're not panicking at the very idea. You're hardly even breathing right now."

"I can't lose him again," Logan whispered, shocked by the tears that were real and had nothing to do with Jack. "I can't let myself care about him and then lose him all over."

"Why not look at it as enjoying the time you have with him before he's gone again?"

"Fuck, Kendall, I can't breathe." Then Logan was up and pacing, forcing himself to take deep breaths.

Kendall studied Logan as he paced. "You never really hated him, did you?"

"Every second of every day," Logan argued.

One side of Kendall's lips quirked up. "I'm learning that just because you hate someone, it doesn't mean you don't love them, too."

"I hardly knew him."

"You knew enough. That feeling of rightness...you can't argue with that."

"It was so much easier when he wasn't around. Why did he have to come back? Why couldn't he have just stayed in California and I'd be with Jack and things would be perfect?"

"Because you wouldn't be with Jack," Kendall said gently. "And if you think about it, it's because of him that Jack and Shannon broke up. So really none of this would've happened at all if he'd stayed away."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"It's just the truth, Logan. That's all."

"But what if I take that chance and he ends up hurting me like Jack did? What if he suddenly decides he hates me, the way he did when we were kids?"

"He's different now. Don't tell me you can't feel that, can't see it in his eyes. He's crazy about you."

"He doesn't even know me. He doesn't know anything about me. You can't come back into someone's life after four years and think you know him."

Kendall's eyebrow arched the way it did when he was smug. "Exactly. You can't think you know _him_ after four years, either. Get to know him, Logan. One night, what can it hurt?"

"So much. You have no idea how much power he has over me. It scares me."

"I know. But...what if he's everything you've always wanted and you just let him pass you by?"

"Kendall, can I spend one night getting over one guy before you suffocate me with another?"

"Fine," Kendall sighed. "Fine. You get one night off. But tomorrow we're right back at it."

"Tomorrow you'll be too nervous about Carlos to think about my love life."

"Ugh, don't remind me. What if he ends up like Jack? Decides he can't handle dating a guy?"

"He didn't seem too bothered by the prospect earlier."

"Yes, but it hasn't sunk in yet. What if-"

The sound of an incoming text startled them into silence, both of them turning to stare at Kendall's phone on his nightstand.

"What if that's Carlos?"

"What, so now you're afraid to even talk to him?" Logan teased.

"No, it's just...okay, maybe. I'm really nervous!"

"I know. Just read the text, Kendall."

Kendall reached out for the phone, that smirk returning to his face as he read the words. "Crazy about you," he grinned.

"What?"

"Read it."

Almost fearfully Logan approached the bed and sat back down. He braced himself before taking in the message, which was from James.

 _Hey, I can't stop thinking about Logan. Is he okay? I'm worried about him._

"Oh," he said softly, slightly numb.

"Stop torturing yourself, Logan. This could be it."

Logan groaned before reaching out for the phone. "Give me that." His thumbs tapped the surface quickly and he sent it before he could change his mind.

"What did you say?" Kendall wanted to know.

Logan held the phone out for Kendall to read it.

 _He's asleep. Confused about you. You already apologized, what else do you want from him?_

Impressed, Kendall scooted back over the mattress to lean against the wall. Logan joined him there, and they waited as a symbol popped up showing that James was composing a reply.

 _I just want a chance with him._

"See?" Kendall smiled. "Just give him a chance."

"Like it's that easy," Logan sighed. He sent another text.

 _A chance for what?_

This answer came back fast.

 _Whatever he's willing to give me. If friendship is all he wants, I'll have to be satisfied with that._

 _You hardly know him. You were gone for four years._

 _I never forgot him. I missed him every day._

Logan's jaw dropped at that. "Missed me? He hated me! He wouldn't even speak to me!"

"Ask him why."

Logan's thumbs went to work again.

 _Then why were you such a jerk to him?_

 _It's a long story._

 _I've got time._

 _I was stupid, okay? Let's just leave it at that._

 _He deserves an explanation._

 _And I'll give him one, if he ever asks. It's between him and me. No offense._

"There you go," Kendall nodded. "That's your cue. Want to call him now?"

"I just told him I was asleep."

"So I woke you up and told you he was worried about you. Call him, Logan."

"No. Not tonight. I can't handle anything else tonight."

"He's going to be worried about you all night."

"Not my problem."

"Logan..." Kendall groaned. "You're not cruel. Call him."

"No. I'm tired and I just want to go to bed and put an end to this horrible day."

"He's not going away overnight. The problem will still be there in the morning."

"But I'll be more prepared to handle it then. Tonight I just need sleep."

"Fine, but say something to him now. He's probably afraid he pissed me off."

"Oh. Right." Logan texted again, running it by Kendall before sending. "This okay?"

Kendall read the words.

 _It's okay, I understand. I'm heading to bed, got a long day ahead of me tomorrow. Thanks for agreeing to come to the movies._

"Good. Send it."

They'd slid under the covers by the time James replied.

 _No problem. I hope it works out for you guys. He was talking about it all the way home and until he fell asleep. He's really excited. I'm just excited for the chance to spend two hours with Logan. Can I sit next to him?_

The message melted something in Logan's heart, surprising him into a smile. "Tell him you'll see if you can arrange that."

Kendall did, then exchanged a goodnight with James before returning his phone to the table and reaching up to shut off the light. "Told you. Crazy about you."

"It was so much easier when he was an asshole. But I miss Jack."

"I know. Get some sleep, Logan. We'll deal with all this tomorrow."

"Okay." Logan turned onto his side and cuddled up against Kendall. It was nice, but he couldn't help feeling something was missing. "I...miss him."

Kendall didn't even have to ask which of them Logan was referring to. "Tomorrow, Logan. Let him treat you the way you deserve to be treated."

"And if he doesn't?"

"I kick his ass so hard he goes running back to California."

"Promise?"

"Swear."

"Thanks, Kendall."

"That's what friends are for. Try not to dream about him tonight."

"If I do, you'll enjoy the benefits when I wake up horny."

"Oh, good point. Dream about him all you want, then."

Logan chuckled before kissing Kendall's cheek and laying his head back down. "Goodnight, Kendall."

"Sleep well, buddy."

* * *

But Logan didn't sleep. An hour later he was still tossing and turning while Kendall snored peacefully next to him. He'd expected that he would cry himself to sleep over Jack tonight, but instead he laid there yearning for a touch he'd never thought he would feel again, a voice that sent shockwaves through his body when it spoke into his ear.

"Stupid beautiful jerk," he mumbled, finally slipping out from under the covers and searching out his phone in the dark. He grabbed Kendall's as well, taking both with him through the quiet house and down into the basement, where he collapsed into an old chair Mrs. Knight had stored down there years ago.

He used Kendall's phone to call up James' contact information, then plugged it all into his own phone before putting a call through. After four rings Logan almost hung up, berating himself for being so desperate just to hear a voice in his ear, but then the voice was there and his body relaxed.

"Hello?"

It wasn't rough or sleepy, as Logan had expected it to be. "James?"

"Yeah. Who's this?"

"Um. It's..."

"Logan?"

"Yeah. Did I wake you?"

"No. No, I've been laying awake forever, just...are you okay?"

"Yeah. I couldn't sleep."

"I'm here if you need to talk."

"Tell me why you hated me."

Logan hadn't intended to say that, he'd only wanted to hear James' voice, but the words tumbled out before he could stop them.

"What?"

"In third grade. What did I do that was so wrong?"

After a few seconds of silence, James said, "Hold on a second."

Logan waited, wondering if James was making up lies in his head to explain his actions.

"Sorry about that, I didn't want to wake Carlos up."

"Oh." Immediately feeling guilty for thinking the worst, Logan shared, "I'm in Kendall's basement."

"I'm in the garage now. The thing is...it's dumb."

"What's dumb?"

"My reason for being so angry at you back then. But I never hated you, Logan. It was just the opposite."

"So you ignored me?"

"Well, you..."

"I what?"

"You broke my heart."

" _I_ broke _your_ heart?"

"You cheated on me."

"I...what?!" Logan asked incredulously.

"Look, you have to remember that we were eight years old."

"Yeah, and-"

"And you'd kissed me."

"I kissed...James, I'm lost."

"In the park. The day we met. You kissed me."

Logan's jaw dropped. "I performed CPR."

"I didn't even know what that was! I just knew that you touched your lips to mine and when two people kissed, it meant they were together. Forever. Like I said, I was eight. I didn't know any better."

"Oh my god. You're telling me that I went through all those years of hell because I...wait. How did I cheat on you? I never kissed anyone else."

"You flirted with Shannon."

Logan was almost speechless but managed, "I did no such thing."

"I spent that whole weekend thinking about you and hoping I would see you at school, and then I did and we smiled at each other and I thought that was it, end of story, we were boyfriends, but then the second Shannon paid attention to you, it was like-"

" _She_ was talking to _me!_ I had nothing to do with it! The truth is she scared me, but I didn't want to be rude! And then I turned back to you, because you were the one I really wanted to talk to, and you were glaring at me and turned your back on me and wouldn't even look at me the rest of the day. Hell, the rest of the year! And you're telling me that all of it was because some girl had a crush on me? A girl I didn't even care about?"

"I told you it was dumb," James murmured.

"Well, how do you think I felt when I walked into the library and saw you two all cozy at the table together? You think that didn't kill me?"

"When? You mean just the other day? It was all her, I've been trying for days to show her I'm not interested."

"Well, she's not getting the point."

"She would if you'd just let me take you out!"

"And how do I know you're not going to suddenly turn your back on me again? Tell me I should go back to where I came from?"

James sighed heavily. "I didn't mean that. I never should have said it. I'm sorry."

"Then why did you? I don't know why I won that stupid talent show, you were so much better-"

"No, Logan, I told you. You deserved to win that. I was just jealous, and even more than that I hated that watching you play made me feel things."

"What kind of things?"

" _All_ kinds of things. Things I didn't want to feel. But you were beautiful, and that song, it haunted me, and-"

"Did you sing to me?"

"What?"

"Your song. The Beatles song. 'Yeah you got that something, I think you'll understand. When I feel that something, I want to hold your hand.' You looked right at me when you sang those words. Was that my imagination?"

A short laugh escaped James, the sound bringing a smile to Logan's lips. "No. I would've killed to hold your hand."

Logan's eyes fell closed and he rubbed his forehead, so many emotions running through him he could hardly think straight. "You had a funny way of showing it."

"I was an idiot. I'd give anything to go back to that time."

"Well...we agreed to start over, right?"

"We did. Logan Mitchell, would you like to go on a date with me to the movies tomorrow night?"

Logan's breath caught, the panic returning because no matter what James said, it was scary to trust. "Um. I..."

"Still not ready?"

"I'm still getting over the other guy. I need time."

"Of course. Just as friends, then."

"Yeah. That's best."

"It's enough. I'm glad you called."

"I am, too. Though I still can't believe you thought I was cheating on you."

"Eight years old. That's my defense."

"It was CPR, James."

"It was your lips on mine, Logan. And for the record? I hope one day we can make that happen again."

A flush crept up in Logan's body at the thought and he knew it was time to say goodbye. "I need to go, James. Goodnight."

"Sure." The disappointment was palpable, though. "See you tomorrow?"

"I'll be there. Don't forget, back row of the theater."

"Got it."

"Bye."

"Bye."

Logan sat in the dark basement for another few minutes, replaying the conversation in his head. James thought he'd cheated? If Logan hadn't suffered such hell over the years, he would almost think it was adorable. He felt bad that he couldn't take what James had to offer now, especially after hearing the sadness in James' voice when he repeatedly rebuffed James' advances.

Picking up his phone again, he opened a text to James and typed:

 _When I touch you I feel happy inside._

The reply came in while Logan was returning the phones to their chargers, and the lighted screen made Logan smile.

 _It's such a feeling that my love I can't hide._

He welcomed the arms and legs that wrapped around him when he climbed into the bed, closing his eyes and imagining it was James. His last thought before dropping off to sleep was a line of the song Jack had shared with him the one night they'd talked.

 _Wait, I never had a chance to love you._


	11. Chapter 11

"You ready for this?"

"Not even remotely." Kendall spun back to wave at his mom and Katie as they drove off. "You grabbed the brownies, right?"

"Yes, they're wrapped inside my jacket." Logan juggled said jacket to his other arm while digging in his pocket for his phone. "James just texted me, they're about ten minutes away. Let's go buy some popcorn and—oh wait, he just texted me again. He says I'm not allowed to buy myself anything, he wants to treat me."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "And you didn't want to date him."

"We're not dating. This is a friends thing. I made that clear last night."

"When you snuck out for your midnight phone call," Kendall teased, pulling out his wallet as they approached the ticket counter. "By the way, I'm paying for you since I made you come. Or is James going to get mad at me for buying your ticket?" he smirked.

"Shut up, it's not a date!"

"Might as well be. I bet he holds your hand during the movie."

"Oh my god, Kendall, will you stop?"

"You're so red right now. You know you want that."

"It's not that, it's..."

"What?"

Logan waited until Kendall had paid for their tickets before answering, dragging Kendall away from the line. "Jack promised me that. Holding my hand during a movie. It's...one of my things."

"Oh. I'm sorry, dude."

"It's fine. It still hurts, but I'm dealing with it. Get the door for me?"

Ten minutes later they were settled in the theater, all the way up at the top with the jacket-wrapped brownies on a seat to Logan's left and Kendall three seats away to leave room for the other two in between. In Kendall's lap he held popcorn and drinks for himself and Carlos.

"Carlos is going to be so confused when he sees us here."

Kendall chuckled. "I wonder how long it'll take him to figure it out, that I'm his date."

"Hopefully he won't think _I'm_ his date."

"If he does, just steer him my way. Oh look, your boyfriend's here."

Logan sat up straighter, craning his neck to spy James. "I don't see him."

"No, I meant...wow, poor choice of words. I meant the other one."

Freezing up when he realized who Kendall had been referring to, Logan allowed his eyes to roam the theater until he found Jack about halfway toward the front, sitting amid two guys and a girl. "Is that Shannon?"

"Doesn't look like her. I think it's Stephanie from my English class. But she's dating Bret, that guy between her and Jack. So he's just hanging out with friends, is my guess."

"This is awkward. Part of me really wants to go over there and talk to him."

"Why don't you?"

"Because the rest of me just wants to sit next to that. Holy fuck, James looks good."

Kendall swiveled his head until he caught sight of James and Carlos just inside the theater entrance. "Whoa. He did something different with his hair."

"I know, it's all slicked down. Makes me want to mess it up."

"He's not gonna stop you." Kendall nodded at James when their eyes met, then they watched James point them out to Carlos. "Shit, this is it. Logan, what if he hates me?"

"Then it wasn't meant to be. Isn't that what you always tell me?"

"Yeah, but this is _me_ we're talking about. Here they come, do I look okay?"

"You look fantastic, relax. No matter what happens, Carlos isn't going to hate you. I promise."

"You'd better be right." His face changed when Carlos turned into the aisle. "Hey, buddy!"

"Dude, what are you guys doing here?!"

"We couldn't let you face the mystery date alone!" Kendall dragged Carlos past Logan and down into the seat next to him.

"But I thought you guys had plans."

"They fell through," he lied smoothly. "So we came to support you instead. You look great."

"Thanks. James helped me get ready."

Logan stood to allow James to pass, body humming when James' brushed against his.

"Hey," James greeted softly.

"Hi."

There was no way he'd be able to stand two hours of this. It was worse than he'd ever imagined, and when James sat Logan remained standing. "I'll be back."

"Where are you going?" Kendall asked sharply, a threatening look aimed at Logan.

"Just to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"I'll come with you," James smiled, standing and placing a hand on Logan's shoulder. "We need to get snacks anyway."

"Wait, I want something!" Carlos called out. "Or should I wait for my date? Where is she? Or he? I don't care at this point, I just want a kiss!"

Thinking of the brownies, Logan smirked. "Kendall's got snacks for both of you, Carlos. Just enjoy that while waiting."

He turned away and moved to the aisle, James a solid presence behind him. When he felt James' hand brush against his as if searching for it, he slid it into his pocket instead.

"You're tense," James commented. "What's wrong?"

"Just...a lot on my mind." He couldn't resist a glance to his right as they passed Jack's row, surprised to find Jack's eyes on him. Logan's motion stopped for a moment, James almost bumping into him.

The urge to confront Jack hit him again, especially when Jack had the nerve to smile at him before whispering something to the guy at his left.

"It's him, isn't it?" James asked quietly. "He's the idiot who dumped you."

"Doesn't matter." Logan shrugged it off, continuing out to the lobby with James on his heels. "I really want to say something, though. The way it happened...there was no warning."

"It's best to let it go," James suggested. "Just move on. I know it hurts, but there are better things waiting. If you open your heart to it."

Rather than head for the bathroom, which had been Logan's intent, he walked to the snack bar and took a spot at the end of a line. When James stepped up behind him, he leaned back against James and allowed arms to stretch around his waist. Here was the peace again, the rightness that he'd craved all night.

But he'd never experienced this with Jack. What if Jack's arms around him felt the same way? What if the guy working the snack bar had the same effect on him? What if...

 _Kendall._ Kendall's arms around him felt nice, but nothing like this. And if anyone else could make him whole, it would be Kendall. They moved further up in the line, James continuing to hold Logan against his body, and when James spoke into his ear a shiver passed through him.

"Do you want anything besides popcorn? I'll buy you whatever you want."

"Popcorn's fine," Logan managed. "Though I could go for another hot dog. Only hold the onions so that when I throw myself at you passionately and kiss you with abandon, you don't gag."

James was shocked into a hearty laugh, hugging Logan tighter against him. "Noted. And I might hold you to that, so don't offer it if you don't mean it."

It wasn't until James was forced to let go that he did, digging for his wallet while Logan extracted a pile of napkins from the dispenser. It was only then that Logan considered how nice it was to be shown affection in a public setting. There wasn't an ounce of shame in James, who had ordered their food while still wrapped around Logan and immediately slid an arm around his shoulders after balancing a tray of drinks in his left hand. "Let's get some stuff for the dogs."

Logan carried the food back into the theater, leading the way and this time not even glancing toward Jack as they passed. He felt Jack's gaze on him, though, and reminded himself that Jack wasn't capable of dating a guy. End of story. It was time to move on.

Once they were seated again, Carlos whined, "James, I don't think my date is coming. The movie's gonna start any minute. What if I'm being stood up?"

"Then you have a good time with us instead," James answered, juggling food around with Logan until they were comfortable. "We're not so bad, right? And hey, I bet Kendall makes a great date."

Kendall's eyes widened, his face silently telling James that was too much, but James only shrugged—wasn't that why they were here?

"Yeah, but it's not like Kendall's gonna kiss me, and that's what I'm dying for. I just need to be kissed!"

Logan raised an eyebrow at Kendall, who seemed to freeze up now that the perfect moment to spill the truth was upon him. It amazed Logan, who had always known Kendall to be the confident one in any situation. When Kendall remained quiet, Logan came to the rescue by unwrapping the plate of brownies and removing the plastic wrap. "Don't be so sure, look what Kendall brought you. Not just any old brownies, but ones he made with his own hands."

He passed Carlos the plate, James helping to get it there, and grinned when Carlos' jaw dropped. "Kendall, you made these for me?"

"I did," Kendall nodded, clearing his throat.

"Look, you even put yellow frosting! You're the best."

"Don't forget it," James said to him. "And what are those on top?"

Carlos' eyes narrowed on the plate. "Kisses? You put kisses on them? Aww, Kendall, this is perfect! Can I eat them now?"

"Go ahead, buddy," Kendall grinned, beginning to relax. "They're all yours."

"Not all of them," Logan commented, reaching past James to grab one. "I promised someone a kiss tonight, too." He set the brownie in James' food box. "There you go. One kiss, from me to you."

James lifted an eyebrow at Logan. "Not exactly what I had in mind."

"Friends," Logan reminded him. "That's what I have to offer."

The lights went down then, James and Logan locked in a stare until James nodded and focused on the screen. Logan relaxed and took a bite of his hot dog, content and almost forgetting that Jack was in the same room.

"I can't believe I got stood up," Carlos sighed, then shoved half a brownie in his mouth. "All I wanted was a real date. Someone who knows me well enough to do all this, and gives me flowers, and I can take skating. Someone who will buy me snacks at the movies. Is that too much to ask?"

"I don't think so," Kendall replied quietly, offering Carlos his drink. "Here, don't forget about this. And you've still got popcorn over here, too."

"Thanks, Kendall."

James tilted his head closer to Logan. "He's never going to figure it out," he whispered. "Kendall just needs to tell him."

"Shh, after the movie. Kendall picked a scary one on purpose, so Carlos will hold onto him."

"Sneaky. You can hold onto me if you want. Just saying."

"I'll keep that in mind," Logan smiled.

The food was gone twenty minutes in (except for the brownies, which Carlos was still slowly working his way through), leaving Logan free to lean his head on James' shoulder as he had the night before. A few minutes later James' fingers worked their way into Logan's hair, and Logan had a hard time focusing on the drama playing out before them. He was thirsty but didn't want to move, and as if reading his mind James lifted his own drink to Logan's lips. He took a sip and then watched James do the same. "Thanks."

"Mm-hm."

At one point he glanced past James to see Carlos cuddled up to Kendall, who grinned at Logan and gave him a discreet thumbs up. Logan chuckled softly and turned to the screen again, a little disappointed when James removed his arm from around Logan's shoulders but getting over it quickly when he realized James was merely lifting the chair's arm so he could pull Logan closer. Logan immediately responded to the hand brushing against his, twining their fingers together and cuddling against James' shoulder.

It was a few minutes more before it hit Logan, the truth of the situation slamming into him so suddenly he was stunned.

He was holding hands with someone in a movie theater. Not just any someone, but a guy who would have gladly considered this a date and who had commented (jokingly, but still) that he would have given Logan roses had he been given the chance. True, he hadn't written any songs or poems for Logan, but hadn't he made some sort of comment the other day about how guys can write romantic things as well? Maybe there was a side to James that Logan didn't know about yet.

Maybe Kendall had been right all along, and Logan just hadn't given James a chance to show that side of himself. Maybe he'd be an idiot for letting this opportunity pass him by, when all James had done since his return was to be everything Logan was looking for in a boyfriend.

 _A life without risks is a life unlived, my friend._

"What's wrong?" James whispered, as always attuned to his mood.

Instead of answering, Logan turned his face to study James'. The concern he saw there was genuine, the hazel eyes he dreamed about somehow bright even in the dim theater. What was wrong with him, pushing this beautiful soul away—a young man who had not only offered to be whatever Logan needed, but come through in that aspect more than once. No one else made Logan feel the way he was feeling now, the way he felt every time James touched him or looked into his eyes.

"I'm sorry," Logan whispered, and for the first time he truly was.

"For what?"

"Everything."

James seemed confused for a few seconds, but when Logan lifted a hand to cup his cheek and tilt his face down, his breath caught. "Is this the part where you throw yourself at me and kiss me with abandon?"

"I think so."

A soft smile tweaked James' lips, his eyes showing that he could hardly believe it was finally happening, and Logan closed his own to let James handle the rest. He felt James' breath on his face, opened his mouth slightly, and-

"Oh my god!"

Carlos' yell caused not only James and Logan to jump, but everyone in the back half of the theater. Curious and annoyed faces turned back to see what all the commotion was about, but Carlos might as well have been in another world. "Kendall! It's you!"

"Shh, Carlos," James hissed, offering apologetic glances at the people around them. "Not here, save it for-"

"I can't believe I didn't figure it out sooner!"

By now Kendall was also hushing Carlos, pleading with him to keep his voice down.

"You love me!"

Shaking his head and wondering why he hadn't seen this coming, Logan grabbed his jacket in one hand and pulled James up with the other. "We're leaving. Carlos, go. Now."

Kendall stood to rush Carlos out of the theater while James and Logan followed.

Rather than head for the lobby, Kendall pushed Carlos in the other direction, not stopping until they were in the back hallway containing doors to the smaller theaters. It was mostly deserted, and Kendall only felt it safe to drop his hands from Carlos' shoulders when they'd reached the furthest theater.

"Okay, now you can freak out."

"It's you?!" Carlos goggled, Logan unable to tell by his expression if the knowledge was welcome or revolting.

"It's me. I didn't know how to tell you and-"

"You could've just said it!"

"I know, but I was scared. You don't even like guys and I didn't want you to hate me and hey, you got roses and brownies out of it, right?"

"Don't forget the poem," Carlos grinned.

Sensing that the danger had passed, James sank onto a nearby bench and tugged Logan down next to him. Once there James didn't release his hand, and Logan made no move to pull it away.

"You really liked the poem, didn't you?" Kendall smiled.

"Dude, it was awesome! You really wrote that all by yourself?"

"Completely. And baked the brownies, though Logan helped with that."

"Aww, you guys," Carlos beamed, eyes twinkling as he glanced over at the other two. "You both knew?"

James nodded, proud of himself for managing to keep the secret.

The light in Carlos' eyes died suddenly. "Wait. Is this...are you guys messing with me? Is this a joke?"

"Of course not," James answered.

Kendall's eyebrows furrowed together. "Why would we?"

"Because you think it's funny. Because I'm an easy target. Because-"

Without warning, Kendall dipped his face down and silenced Carlos with his lips, Carlos letting out a sound of surprise before his fingers clutched at Kendall's shirt.

"Does that feel like a joke?" Kendall whispered after a few moments.

"Oh my god. You love me."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you. If you don't feel the same it's okay, I know this is a shock for you, just promise you won't-"

This time it was Carlos who cut off Kendall's words with a kiss. James chuckled while Logan shook his head.

"They're adorable," Logan smiled, laying his head on James' shoulder again to watch. "I'm betting Carlos will want to stay at Kendall's tonight."

"Probably. Were you supposed to?"

"Yeah, but I'm cool with going home. They need time together."

"So do we, because at the rate we're going, a kiss is never gonna happen."

Logan laughed, cheek rubbing over James' shoulder as he nodded. "Want to come home with me?"

James tensed next to him but then turned to face Logan, who lifted his head to stare back. "Are you serious?"

"Surprisingly, I am. My mom's supposed to be out half the night, she went out with some friends because she knew I'd be gone. Come home with me, James."

For a moment Logan actually thought he'd scared James, because there was no answer and the look in his eyes was impossible to decipher. The trembling Logan felt in James' hand didn't help, and Logan opened his mouth to take back the words but then James nodded, a hesitant smile gracing his lips.

"You sure?" Logan pressed. "You don't seem sure."

"Positive," James answered firmly. "I just can't believe it's finally happening. You're holding my hand and talking to me and if I'm lucky, kissing me goodnight and-"

Logan nodded, biting his lip at the thought and turning to hurry along the other two, who were still kissing. They seemed oblivious to anything else, not even breaking apart when two guys passed and one of them apologized for brushing against Kendall.

Logan's heart dropped into his stomach when he realized who had spoken.

"Let's wait outside," James urged, knowing why Logan was suddenly rigid next to him.

"I want to say something."

"He's not worth it, Logan."

"You don't know what happened, he didn't even..."

Logan couldn't continue because words failed him when the buddy Jack was with pulled him closer for a kiss, both of them laughing until their lips met.

"Logan."

All Logan could do was stare, a betrayal deep enough to rival the one he'd felt toward James climbing up into his chest.

"Logan, come on, let's go."

James stood suddenly and moved in the opposite direction, pulling Logan hard and not letting go of his hand when Logan attempted to tug it free.

"Let me go," Logan threatened in a low voice.

"No. Let it go, he isn't worth-"

With a strength he didn't know he had, Logan wrenched his hand away and spun back to face Jack, who was still engaged in a liplock with the same guy who was always with Jack at school.

"Logan!"

The yell was loud enough to startle Kendall and Carlos, who broke apart to stare at James with wide eyes the same way Jack and his buddy were. James was paying them no attention, though, as he rushed Logan from behind and wrapped around him to pin his arms down while simultaneously lifting him and spinning him away.

"James, what the hell? Let me go!"

James continued to push Logan awkwardly back down the hall. "Let it go," he repeated.

"You have no right to-" He stopped speaking when James set him down long enough to open the door to the men's room, then shoved him in and followed.

"It's not going to do any good. I'm sorry, I know it hurts, but he made his choice."

"He told me it was because he couldn't date a guy! He owes me an explanation!"

"You're right, but now isn't the time."

"I'd say now is the perfect time, James! He stood there and kissed another guy right in front of me, and you tell me how that's not supposed to-"

"Just stop!" James yelled, shocking Logan into silence. "Will you just look at me for once? I'm standing right here in front of you, offering you everything you've ever wanted, and all you can see is him. I've been invisible to you for weeks, Logan, please just look at me. _See_ me."

"I do see you," Logan sighed, "and I'm sorry, but I can't just turn off feelings overnight."

Ignoring the last comment, James shook his head. "Don't see the kid you used to know. Look at me and see me, what I am now, what I can be to you if you just let me. Logan, please," he begged, and Logan was stunned to see tears forming in his eyes. "Just...let me love you."

"James..." Logan's face fell. He stepped closer to James and reached out for both hands, holding them tight.

"All of the things you wanted with him, I can give you those things. Please just open your heart, give me a chance to show you."

"He hurt me," Logan said softly. "It's hard to let that go."

"I know he did," James whispered, freeing his hands so he could pull Logan into the safety of his arms, where Logan pressed his face to James' neck. "I know. And I'm so sorry."

The voice worked its magic, slipping through the cracks in what defenses Logan had left until it reached his heart. The warmth that surrounded him was a refuge, a place he could rest and know he was safe.

"I'm here."

That was all it took. Logan accepted the words, accepted the presence, accepted the offer of devotion that he'd been too blind to see. His heart opened and the grief spilled out, hot tears escaping to slide down James' neck.

When Kendall and Carlos peeked in it was to the sight of James holding Logan and rocking him gently, rubbing his back and kissing his hair while Logan cried. "He's gone," Kendall mouthed, James nodding but making no move to release Logan, and when Kendall gestured they would be outside he nodded again.

The few men who entered the restroom politely averted their eyes from them, but James wouldn't have cared anyway. He reached for a nearby paper towel from the dispenser and wiped at Logan's eyes, his own full of compassion when they finally caught Logan's again. "It's gonna be okay. I promise."

"Will you still come home with me?"

"If that's what you want."

Logan nodded, embarrassed when he caught sight of his puffy face in the mirror. "I'm sorry. You deserve someone who isn't always crying over another guy."

"I'm not worried about it," James smiled, kissing Logan's forehead. "You won't even remember his name by morning."

Logan laughed, hugging James tight. "I'm so glad you're here."

"Exactly," James grinned. "You okay?"

"I will be. I just want to go home."

"Then I'll find a way to make that happen. Come on."


	12. Chapter 12

A/N—I don't think I mentioned in the first chapter that the song James performs at the talent show is "I Want to Hold Your Hand" by The Beatles. Mentioning it now because that makes a reappearance. The second song in this chapter will also be familiar to you, most likely, and it was originally done by The Jackie Boyz. The book _Cry to Heaven_ is an actual novel by Anne Rice.

* * *

Luckily Kendall had already called his mom for a ride, so it was a short wait outside the movie theater. James never let go of Logan until he was forced to by Mrs. Knight's arrival, and was relieved when she had no problem with dropping him and Logan at the Mitchell home. Kendall promised to call in the morning if not sooner, Logan grateful for it because he knew Kendall was worried about him, but he was also looking forward to time alone with James. The pain faded a little more with each word from James' lips, each touch of his hand.

Once home, Logan was a polite host even through his nerves and sadness, offering James refreshments but glad when he replied that he'd eaten enough at the movies.

"You don't have any clothes with you," Logan suddenly realized.

"I had no idea I'd be out all night," James shrugged. "It's no big deal, I can sleep in this."

"I'll find you something." He reached out for James' jacket. "By the way, I love this thing."

"It's warm."

"Looks good on you."

James smiled as he watched Logan hang it on a hook near the front door. "Thanks. I always wear it for that reason, hoping you'll notice. But you wouldn't even look at me long enough to see it."

"Oh, I saw it." Logan spun around to face James, who was leaning against the back of a sofa and looking as anxious as Logan felt. The silence stretched out between them until James broke it.

"Okay, so...obviously I'm dying to kiss you."

Logan nodded but couldn't meet James' eyes.

"But I want you to know that I'm not gonna pressure you. You're going through a lot and if you need time, I'm willing to wait. You said you wanted nothing more than friendship, and even though we can't seem to keep from almost kissing every time we're next to each other, that doesn't mean we have to. I'm happy to just be here as your friend. So...don't be nervous. I don't expect anything more than you can give."

The heavy weight pressing against Logan's chest lifted, and he could breathe easier. "Thank you. It's not that I don't want to kiss you."

"I know. I see it when I touch you, that you're fighting it. But...like I said. I'm fine with sleeping here on the couch if that's more comfortable for you."

Logan was shaking his head before James finished speaking. "No. You're sleeping in my bed."

"Oh. Well. That's...awesome."

"But I make no promises as to anything else. Sleeping may be all we do."

"And that's fine. As long as I get to hold you."

Remembering how safe he felt whenever James' arms were around him, Logan nodded. "I'd like that."

"Then you shall have it," James grinned, opening his arms in invitation. When Logan closed the distance between them, James swept him in and held tight. "This is enough."

"It's..."

"What?"

"Right."

James' eyes fell shut. "That's what I've been trying to tell you. It's always been right, we just never gave it a chance."

"That's what tonight is for."

They were quiet for a bit, James now seated on the back of the sofa with Logan standing between his legs and cuddled close.

"You have a piano here?"

"Oh. Yeah." Logan turned back to follow James' gaze. "We've that had for years, my mom taught me to play on it."

"Do you still remember that song? The one you played at the talent show?"

"Yeah. It was one of my dad's favorites."

"Play it for me."

Logan's head dipped back so he could look up at James. "Really?"

"Please. I've wanted to see that again for years now."

"I guess I...okay. But it's been awhile since I played it, so I might mess up."

"That's okay." James smiled watching Logan move to the piano and lift the cover away from the keys. He walked closer until he was resting his arms on the top of the instrument and staring down at Logan. "There aren't any judges this time."

Logan chuckled. "Good thing." He cleared his throat and flexed his fingers before setting them on the proper keys, then closed his eyes because when they met James' he could hardly concentrate. With a deep breath he launched into the song, removing himself from this place and time and seeing in his mind memories of his father. Halfway through the song he was smiling, the grief having settled into something bittersweet over the years.

James didn't move throughout the performance, his entire focus on Logan and frozen by the beauty before him. The only movement at all came from his fingers, which curled over the edge of the piano as if digging into the wood. When the music stopped and Logan opened his eyes, all James could do was stare in silence at his face.

Taking in James' expression, Logan licked his lips. "You really want to kiss me right now."

"Understatement," James agreed, but he made no move to do so.

Assuming that was because James was determined not to pressure him, Logan sought to lighten the mood. "Hey, I taught myself another song you might know."

"Yeah?" James smiled.

"Yeah. Someone inspired me."

Getting it right in his head, Logan launched into a piano version of "I Want to Hold Your Hand" by The Beatles, causing James to throw his head back and laugh before grinning down at Logan.

"Wow, I think I like that better as a piano song. It kind of rocks."

"It's got a good beat," Logan agreed, and when his hands moved back into the verse, his heart stopped for a second as James began to sing.

"Oh yeah I tell you something, I think you'll understand. When I say that something, I want to hold your haaaaaaaaand."

Logan automatically joined in for the next line, and together they sang while laughing. "I want to hold your hand, I want to hold your hand."

"I still love your voice," Logan admitted, his hands stilling on the keys. "The day you came into choir and had to audition, just your voice without accompaniment, I was amazed at how good it had become. I mean, I liked it back in grade school but it's matured so much, and-"

"Well, I hit puberty," James chuckled.

"Yes, but you've obviously been practicing. Did you get into choir in junior high?"

"Yeah. At my other school."

"Why'd you come back?"

"My mom's company expanded. She wanted to open up something in this area, and I had a choice to stay with my dad out there or come back here with her."

"And you chose this boring place over sunny beaches?"

James hesitated, but finally answered truthfully because there was no sense in hiding it. "I chose _you_ over sunny beaches," he said softly. "I never forgot about you. Not even for one day."

Logan knew in that moment he could no longer fight it and that he really didn't even want to anymore. As James had stated earlier, he was everything Logan wanted in a boyfriend. He continued to stare into James' eyes while his fingers found their place again, a voice that wasn't trained but still heartfelt joining in with the music. "And when I touch you I feel happy inside, it's such a feeling that my love, I can't hide."

James grinned but his eyes were tender when he picked it up. "Yeah you got that something, I think you'll understand, when I say that something, I want to hold your hand..."

Together they sang what Logan supposed was the chorus again, James moving around to Logan's side of the piano as their voices mingled. "I want to hold your hand, I want to hold your hand."

James' arms slid around Logan's waist from behind, causing Logan's fingers to falter on the keys, but he attempted to continue playing because James picked up the next line. His voice was soft in Logan's ear, mouth close enough that Logan could almost feel the lips moving. "Oh please say to me, you'll let me be your man."

Logan's breath caught but he kept going, though his fingers were now stumbling.

"And please say to me, you'll let me hold your haaaaaaand..."

The fingers finally gave up when James' hands stretched out to cover his on the keys.

"Now let me hold your hand, I want to hold your hand."

When Logan's eyes closed James took it as assent, twining the fingers of both his hands into Logan's and pressing his lips to Logan's neck. Logan's head leaned back, giving James better access, and while James' lips continued to move over the sensitive skin his arms wrapped around Logan's waist, hands still clutching Logan's so that both sets of arms were hugging him.

"James, god," Logan breathed, his eyes closed and body on fire as he leaned back into the strong body.

One of James' legs swung over the bench until he was straddling it, and when James maneuvered Logan's body to do the same he allowed it so that they were facing each other. James' hands slid up Logan's chest to frame his face, Logan shivering and biting back a hum before he was able to meet James' gaze.

"Please say to me you'll let me be your man."

The words were spoken this time instead of sung, but the feeling behind them was so intense that it didn't matter. Logan nodded slowly. "I've wanted that since we were eight years old. I should've just told you, but you were so mad at me."

"We were stupid kids, we didn't know any better." James' lips latched onto Logan's neck again, Logan letting the sound out this time before wrapping his arms around James' neck to keep him there. "I dated girls in California," James admitted, his mouth moving tantalizingly up Logan's chin to his jaw. "I wanted to forget you."

Through the shudders running up and down his body, Logan managed to ask, "How did that work out for you?"

"I came back for you, didn't I?" That was answer enough, but then James added, "I dreamed so many times about kissing these lips."

Coherent thought was almost nonexistent by that point, as it always seemed to be when James was touching him, but Logan recognized the plea for what it was. He moved his mouth a few inches to the left until James took over, lips taking possession in a way that brought a soft whine up from Logan's throat. Kendall knew how to get him going, but it was nothing compared to the sensations running through Logan now from the touch of lips alone. When James' tongue came out to tease Logan immediately granted access, feeling as if he would combust once James invaded his mouth.

In less than a minute Logan was flat on his back, legs hanging off both sides of the bench and the hard wood painful under his head but it was a distant ache compared to the more immediate one between below the waist. James' hands slid under Logan's shirt to move it up, Logan lifting his upper body to allow its removal and surprised when James moved his head gently to place the shirt beneath it. The considerate gesture made Logan fall one step deeper in love. He kissed James for another few minutes, body humming with heat as James' hands slid over his skin.

"You can touch me," James whispered against his lips. "Don't be afraid."

Logan was more afraid that once he did he wouldn't be able to stop, but at the invitation he gave in and allowed his hands to roam over muscle that was taut as James moved. Words Jack had once spoken suddenly flew into his mind. _He works out, you know._ No question of that, James Diamond was a powerhouse of strength.

"Your hands are like fire," James breathed, and Logan was relieved it wasn't just him. He lifted James' shirt until it was gone, then latched his mouth onto the wall of muscle James' chest was and sucked at the skin. James let out a strangled sound and Logan smiled before continuing the attention, reveling in the feel of James trembling over him. "Logan, for the love of...how late is your mom gonna be out?"

"Won't matter if we lock ourselves in my room," Logan whispered. "Go. The room on the left of the hall. Upstairs. I'm gonna text her that I'm home and going to bed."

"Oh god, I'm not going to survive this night," James mumbled, but after another searing kiss he moved off the bench and disappeared. Logan sat up, thinking he couldn't wait to get the constricting pants off, and dug out his phone to text his mother. Once that was done he picked up both shirts and James' jacket, taking everything upstairs and feeling faint at the sight that greeted him.

In all of his fantasies about James (the ones he'd allowed himself, anyway), never had he imagined James in his bed. The reality was better than any fantasy could be, though, and Logan locked the door before spinning around to enjoy the view fully.

James Diamond was sandwiched between the sheets, lower body covered by the blankets while his top half was gloriously bared to Logan's roaming gaze. He was on his side, head cushioned on Logan's pillows as he stared back. "Don't panic, I left my jeans on."

"We'll have to change that."

Before shutting the light off Logan watched James' eyes widen at the words, and then they were in darkness. Logan kicked off his shoes and stripped to boxers, navigating to his bed expertly and sliding under the covers to stretch out next to James. A large hand slid up his side and he shuddered, not fighting it when James dragged him closer so that their bodies were flush against each other.

"You're hard," James murmured in wonder, and Logan nodded before grabbing James' hand and placing it over his boxers to reinforce the point. "Logan, fuck."

Logan smiled and went to work undressing James, who allowed him to take charge and whispered, "You're aggressive. That surprises me. It's so hot."

Logan made a noise of assent as he tugged James' pants down. When he returned for the boxers as well, he hesitated only long enough to make sure James wasn't going to stop him before removing those as well, leaving James without a stitch on and so obviously turned on that it emboldened him to strip out of his own boxers. "Is this okay?" Logan stopped to ask. "I know I'm moving fast but I have no idea how far you've-"

"It's fine, don't stop, I've wanted this forever." Possibly because there were so many other things James wanted to say that he didn't know where to begin, he chose instead to kiss Logan hard until they were both panting and Logan was reaching between them to wrap a hand around James. A cry that was both surprised and ecstatic erupted from James, who quickly muffled the sound by turning his head into the pillow.

"It's okay," Logan assured him. "Mom said she'll be home in a few hours. Let it out, James. We've waited eight years to be together."

"Oh god, Logan," James groaned, and then his control fell away. He rolled them until Logan was pinned beneath him and arching up, both of them whining at the friction. Kisses sated them for a time but eventually gave way to necking, mouths not gentle as they simultaneously explored skin and muscle. Logan finally got to mess up the slicked-down hair with hands that were rough in James' dark strands, but James didn't seem to mind the aggression in the slightest and instead communicated through encouraging sounds that he welcomed it.

When Logan's hand eventually found James' length again, James thrusted into the grip with a cry that sent shockwaves through Logan. He realized that James singing would be nothing compared to the sound of James' cries of bliss and hastened that moment, stroking in the way he'd learned Kendall seemed to like best. In that James was no different, rocking into the motion in a rhythm that quickened with each passing second while one hand curled into the pillow under Logan's head and the other searched out Logan to return the gesture. It messed with Logan's focus but not enough to interrupt the rhythm, and when James crested that peak his moans were music to Logan's ears. He pumped for as long as he could to draw it out, not satisfied until James could barely breathe from the onslaught of pleasure coursing through him.

"Logan, holy shit," James managed, his breath coming in hard pants. Logan finally slowed his hand, the cramped muscles in it crying out in relief, but before he could begin to relax James' hand was picking up a rhythm again and Logan's body arched up off the bed.

"James, oh god that's..."

It was bliss. Utter bliss. Logan held back nothing when he came, allowing the pleasure to overwhelm his brain and escape through his mouth and into James' that was pressed against his. James kissed him down from it until they both collapsed back onto the mattress, but before he relaxed completely James pulled Logan against him to keep him close. Logan lifted his mouth for a kiss to James' chin before sighing and cuddling into the warm body.

"You've done that before."

Logan nodded, knowing that it would be useless to lie. "It wasn't like this, though."

"But with who? I thought you and Jack never really were a thing."

"We weren't. It was Kendall. We were curious."

"Ah."

"Don't be jealous, that's over and we were just friends using each other to experiment."

"So long as it doesn't happen again, I won't kick his ass."

Logan grinned. "We agreed we're not interested in dating. And he's got Carlos now."

"And you've got me."

"Do I? Officially?"

"You have to ask after that?"

With a chuckle, Logan shrugged. "Just making sure."

"I've wanted nothing else since you kissed me on the grass under a blue sky. Call it CPR if you want, but in my mind it was always a kiss."

"I'm sorry I cheated on you by allowing a girl to talk to me," Logan teased.

"I'll forgive you once," James smiled, kissing Logan's forehead. "Don't do it again."

"Oh, but can I do _that_ again?" he asked, accentuating the word "that" with a squeeze between James' legs.

"Mmm, that is now your property. You may do with it whatever you please."

"That's mutual."

Sleep was creeping up on them when James murmured, "I love you. I've been wanting to say that forever."

Though Logan was tempted to reply that they'd hardly known each other until the night before, he understood what James meant and kissed him gently. "I'm glad you finally did."

Logan fell asleep with James' arms wrapped tight around him, and this time when he slipped into half-dreams of James, they were mixed with actual memories.

* * *

When Logan woke the following morning, it was to discover that not only had the entire evening not been a dream, but he'd been too distracted to remember to plug his phone into the charger. The proof of that was a shrill ringing from near his bedroom door, where his pants laid in a heap with shirts and a leather jacket.

From behind him James made an annoyed sound. "Make it stop."

"It's Kendall, I'll call him later. I'm not ready to move yet."

"Good." Strong arms tightened around Logan's waist. "I'm not ready to let you go."

Logan smiled and cuddled back against James, sighing in contentment when a kiss landed on the back of his neck.

"So will you come back to everything now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Hockey. Choir. Tutoring. Eat lunch with me."

"I can't do tutoring during hockey season. The practices are at the same time."

"Oh, right. Damn, I need your help in math. And science. Probably everything else, too."

"I do miss hockey a lot. How about we rejoin the team and then I tutor you after practice every day?"

"You'd do that?"

"Private lessons. Right here in my room."

"God, that sounds dirty," James laughed.

"It was supposed to," Logan grinned. "Sound like a plan?"

"Yes. I'm all over that. What about lunch? You guys will eat with us, right?"

"Like I'm gonna miss thirty minutes of time to spend with you each day?"

James hugged him tighter. "I always knew it could be like this. It's why I fought so hard to make you pay attention to me. Why I came back."

"I'm sorry I made you suffer. But I suffered for years."

"I know. What you never knew is that I was suffering, too. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"We're here now. What more could we ask?"

"For you to come back to choir. Please, Logan, everyone misses you. The new piano player is horrible, even she keeps saying she wishes you'd come back."

"Okay," Logan chuckled. "I hate journalism anyway. I miss playing."

"And just think, you can play while I sing. Oh! Logan, we can do a duet at the fall concert!" James sat up in excitement, leaving Logan bereft from the loss of his body heat.

"What fall concert?"

"The music department's putting on a concert in two weeks. You didn't hear about that before you left the class?"

"I wasn't in it long enough to hear much of anything. But we did that last year, there's a concert for every season. I forgot all about it. So you're gonna sing?"

"Yeah, I was asked to do a solo. But if you play piano for me, we can consider it a duet. Come on, Logan, play for me."

Logan stared up into James' twinkling eyes, his head still resting on the pillow with his body twisted to look up.

"Please?! We could do the Beatles song!"

Though Logan couldn't have denied James when he was so excited, all he said was, "I don't know. I think that song belongs in our past. We've moved past it."

James grinned. "Another song, then. One that describes the way I feel about you now. Come on, do this with me!"

Turning so that he was reclined on his back, Logan reached up for James. "You're so cute."

"Is that a yes?"

"Kiss me and I'll think about it."

James offered no argument to that, letting Logan pull him back down to the bed.

* * *

Showers were taken quickly but separately, and afterward James was introduced to Logan's mother as a friend. Eventually she would figure out the truth on her own, but Logan was in no hurry to rush that in case she decided to put restrictions on their sleeping habits. She cooked them a big breakfast before offering James a ride home, and it was in the car while discussing the upcoming concert that Logan's mom realized why James seemed familiar.

"Weren't you in the talent show Logan did in fifth grade? You did the Beatles song, right?"

"Yeah," James smiled from his place behind Logan's seat. "You saw that?"

"I wanted to see Logan, so they let me come watch. You were fantastic, James."

"Wasn't he?" Logan agreed. "He should've won."

"No," both James and Mrs. Mitchell replied, then she added, "No offense, James."

"Oh, none taken. I've told Logan a million times he deserved to win that."

"Once, James," Logan stated. "You've told me that once."

"Well, it feels like a million. Because it's true."

"I was so proud of him that day," Mrs. Mitchell smiled. "And he played his dad's favorite song."

"Did you cry, Mom?"

"A bit. I was wishing he could be there."

"Yeah, me too," Logan sighed, suddenly wishing again that his father was alive to meet James. He twisted his head back because he needed to see the eyes that both centered him and swept him away, but James' head was bent over his phone. "What are you looking at?"

"Going through my songs. Looking for one we could use for the—oh. Wait. Yes! This one's perfect!"

"What is it?"

"An old song by the Jackie Boyz, ever heard of them?"

"No."

"Well I hadn't really either, except for this song. But it's perfect because it's got a lot of piano in it and it's exactly the kind of song we talked about earlier."

Remembering that they'd discussed finding a song that described their current feelings, Logan was intrigued. "Mom, can we listen to it? Do you mind?"

"No, of course not. So you're getting back into choir, Logan?"

"Hopefully." Logan reached back for James' phone and plugged the auxiliary cable into it, making it possible to play the song through the car's speakers. "James and I were talking about doing a duet for the fall concert."

"That would be so great!" she gushed. "Logan, I've missed you on the piano. You hardly play it lately."

"Yeah, I missed it, too," Logan admitted. He braced himself and played the song, glad that outside of a few directional points given by James, everyone remained quiet so he could listen to the words as they filled the enclosed space. The song began with a piano and built as it went on, Logan melting with each word.

 _Still got the same look that sets me off_

 _Guess there's just something about you_

 _I got these feelings can't let 'em show_

 _Cause I went and let you go_

 _I shouldn't have let you go_

 _You asked me for closure before and girl I told ya_

 _It's over, it's over, it's not over_

 _So here we go again_

 _It's like I'm falling in love all over again_

 _For the first time, and I know that it feels right_

 _I think I'm falling in love all over again_

 _Love at first sight, do you know how I feel?_

 _To the left, left, left_

 _On the right, right, right_

 _To the back, back, back_

 _On the side, side, side_

 _To the left, left, left_

 _On the right, right, right_

 _To the back, back, back_

 _On the side, side, side tonight_

 _I know I try to not face the truth_

 _But no one can you love me like you do_

 _Your love is static, it pulls me in_

 _Like a song when it first begins_

 _I just don't want to let you end, no_

 _You just take me over_

 _And you are my controller_

 _I told ya, I told ya, told ya_

 _I'm ready to go again_

 _Baby, it's something that you did that holds me on_

 _Maybe there's something that just keeps me from moving on_

 _The moment I see ya, I know it's gonna be ya_

 _I got this figured out_

As the final chorus filled the car, Logan reflected that the words were exactly right. He was sorry to see the song end but when it did, he turned in his seat to meet James' gaze. "It's perfect."

James nodded, the thoughts clear in his eyes so that when they arrived at his house, Logan jumped out of the car as well. "Be right back, Mom. I'm just gonna grab a book he's loaning me."

"Sure, honey. Take your time."

They were closed away inside the house before Logan dragged James back toward him, James having anticipated it and turning to meet the desperate kiss Logan planted on him.

"So you liked the song, I take it?"

"It's perfect," Logan said again. "Every word. It's like it was written specifically for us."

James nodded, leaning down to kiss Logan again. "I can't wait to sing it to you."

"To the audience, James," Logan corrected.

Without warning James began to sing softly as he stared into Logan's eyes. "I know I try to not face the truth, but no one can love me like you do..."

"James, not now, I can't-"

"Your love is static, it pulls me in, like a song when it first begins, I just don't want to let you end, no..."

Logan couldn't remember the exact words that came next, but there was something about taking over and "you're my controller" and his breath caught at the truth behind that. "I need to go," he whispered, wishing that wasn't the case.

"Bye, gorgeous." James kissed him softly before stepping back, but stopped Logan halfway through the door. "Wait! Here."

"What?"

A book came flying at him and he caught it easily in one hand, goalie reflexes strong as always. "What is it?"

"The closest one to me on the bookshelf. But you told your mom you were borrowing one, so..."

"Oh. Right. Thanks," Logan grinned, glancing down to see he was now holding a book entitled _Cry to Heaven_. "I'll give it back Monday at school."

"Feel free to read it first. You might find it interesting."

"I'll check it out," Logan chuckled, sighing as he closed the door behind him.

On the way home his mother reiterated her comment about how happy she was to see Logan getting back into choir again, and when he replied that he was also returning to hockey, she was ecstatic because "You haven't been yourself the past few weeks, Logan. I was starting to worry about you. But you're okay?"

"I'm good now," he promised. "I've been dealing with a lot, but things are better now. I'll be tutoring James after hockey practice every day, probably at the house. Is that okay?"

"Of course, honey. He seems like a nice boy."

While "nice" wasn't an adjective Logan would have chosen to describe James, he didn't verbally disagree. Remembering the book James had tossed him, he could only laugh when he read the synopsis on the back. James had given him a tale of two male opera performers who had been castrated in the 18th century in order to keep their voices from maturing. One was the teacher and composer while the other was a handsome god with the voice of an angel.

He pulled out his phone to text James.

 _Have you read this book?_

 _Five times. It's really good, Logan, you should read it._

 _Do they fall in love?_

 _They do. They have sex, too._

Logan's face flushed but he smiled.

 _Do they live happily ever after?_

 _Read it and find out._

There were better ways to spend a weekend (all involving James), but Logan supposed this would have to do. If nothing else, he could imagine the two of them in the story, and wondered suddenly if James had ever done the same while reading it.

He would bet the answer to that was yes.


	13. Chapter 13

Lost in the world of 1700's Italy, it wasn't until his phone rang a few hours later that Logan realized he'd never returned Kendall's call. Guilt washed over him, and his first words to Kendall were an apology.

"Kendall, I'm so sorry. I was sleeping when you called this morning and then once I got up, so much was happening with James and...I'm sorry.

"It's okay. I was starting to worry that something had gone wrong, though."

"No. No, everything's fine. I was just...selfishly caught up in my own life. How are you? How did it go with Carlos?"

"We'll get to that in a second. Are you and James still speaking?"

"Why wouldn't we be?" Logan smiled, standing to stretch after hours of sitting on the living room sofa. "Did you really think I would be stupid enough to let him go again?"

"Yes," Kendall answered bluntly. "Look how long it took you to talk to him."

"Well, that's over. He kind of yelled at me last night and made me realize I was being stupid to push away the thing I'd wanted for years. I mean, I was so wrapped up in Jack because he was saying the things I wanted to hear, but the truth is they were words I would have chosen to hear from James instead. If I'd had a choice."

"Well, now you do."

"Now I do," Logan echoed, a bright smile splitting his lips. He continued to speak while taking the stairs to his room. "Seeing Jack with another guy was tough, though. Especially after the reason he gave me for breaking if off."

"I know. After you two went into the bathroom, I uh...may have said some things."

Logan's face froze. He waited until the bedroom door was closed behind him to gasp, "To Jack?"

"Yeah. I mean, come on, it's bad enough that he lied to you about his reasons but then to flaunt it in your face? Who does that?"

"An asshole, I guess," Logan sighed. "But um...what did he say?"

"He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. Totally for the benefit of his new boyfriend, I'm sure."

"Seriously? He had the nerve to...well, what exactly?"

"When I figured out why you were so upset—because sorry, I'd been a little distracted at the time—I called him out on it. I told him he was a dick for not only leading you on, but then being cruel enough to shove your face in it."

"Oh wow. And he said?"

"He looked confused for a second, but then he seemed to get what I meant. But then right away he was like 'Look, I never meant to lead anybody on. Logan got the wrong idea.'"

"The wrong idea?! Are you kidding me? He professed his love to me! Well...maybe he didn't say the words, but he might as well have. Sent me flowers, wrote me a song...even talked about moving in with me someday. How the hell is that 'getting the wrong idea'?"

"I'm telling you, Logan, it was just because his boyfriend was there. He didn't want the other guy to know he'd been messing around with you."

"He was probably trying to get up the courage to tell his friend how he felt, and he practiced with me. Well, whatever. It hurts, but it's for the best because now I have James."

"Exactly. So he stayed the night?"

"Yeah." Logan lowered himself to his bed, stretching out on it and blushing when the night before came back in flashes. "We talked. And sang together. And made out on the piano bench."

"Nice," Kendall laughed. "Remind me not to sit on that thing ever again."

"It was insane," Logan admitted. "Then we went upstairs and made out in my bed. He knows you and I were together. He was jealous, but I told him we're done."

"Yeah. And I'm so glad I have Carlos for that now, because I'd miss it if you got a boyfriend and I didn't."

"Oh? So does that mean you have a boyfriend, too?"

"Yep," Kendall replied, and Logan could hear the pride behind that one word. "Once we got back to my house, he wanted to kiss me again to make sure he still liked it."

Logan cracked up. "Sounds like Carlos. Because, you know, he might have decided he hated it between the movies and your house."

"Right?" Kendall laughed. "So I kissed him again and he decided he still liked it. But then he started going on about 'How do I know if I'm actually gay, though?' Because apparently you have to be totally gay or it won't work."

"Did he really say that? Has he not heard of bisexual orientation?"

"It's Carlos, you know he doesn't think like the rest of the world."

"So what did you say?"

"It's more what I _did_. He was asking me all these questions about how did I know I was gay, like what was the thing that proved to me I was, and I kept kissing him as he talked. Finally I said I knew it every time I kissed him."

"And that worked?"

"No, because then he threw you in my face. 'But you kissed Logan first. Maybe you're just gay with him because he's gay.'"

Logan blinked, trying and failing to see the logic in that. "What does that even mean?"

"I don't know. He just kept saying, 'But Kendall, how do you know for sure? How will I know?' So I...showed him."

"Showed him what exactly?"

"I blew him."

Logan's jaw dropped to his chest, and he sat up fast. "You what?! Are you serious?"

"Totally. I didn't really know what I was doing, but I figured it out."

"I'm so jealous!"

"What, James didn't do that for you?"

"No, not yet. We...it didn't come up. What was it like?"

"I loved it. I can't stop thinking about it. We should've tried that, dude."

"No kidding! Well, it won't be hard to convince James. But you liked it? Performing the act?"

"Loved it," Kendall repeated. "So once that was done, I looked at Carlos and asked, 'Would a straight guy do that?' He agreed that no, a straight guy wouldn't, and that satisfied him that I'm gay, at least."

"Why is he so caught up with that, anyway? Who cares if you're gay or bi? What does it matter?"

"I think I finally got that through his head, that it doesn't matter what you call it. But not until after he insisted on blowing me in return. Just to 'make sure.'"

"Kendall, holy shit! He blew you?!"

"Oh my god, Logan. It's really as good as everyone says it is."

"I'm so jealous!" Logan exclaimed again. "All we did was talk about how stupid we've been for the past eight years."

"You really have been," Kendall pointed out.

"I know."

"Did he ever tell you why he hated you?"

"Yeah. He says the day we met I kissed him."

After a moment of silence Kendall erupted into hearty laughter. "I _told_ you! Dude, I told you!"

"Be quiet. It was CPR."

"Carlos said it looked like a kiss," Kendall said again. "But he was mad about you kissing him?"

"No. He was mad because he thought that made us automatic boyfriends, and then on the first day of school Shannon dared to flirt with me."

"Shannon dared to...ohhhhhhh. I remember that. In line, right? I thought she was into me but it was you."

"Exactly. James says he watched me talking to her and got jealous, because I was talking to a girl when I belonged to him."

"Wow. He is so intense, dude. Eight years old and he took that as cheating?"

"He admits he was ridiculous. Says he was eight years old and all he knew is that a kiss meant you were together forever."

"Aww, Logan. That's kind of sweet."

"Isn't it?" Logan smiled, warmth flooding his heart. "And then I kept stealing things from him, like the talent show. And I was always teacher's pet no matter how hard he tried to impress Mrs. Tate. That sort of thing."

"So he was jealous?"

"I guess. But we agreed that we've both been ridiculous over the years, so..."

"So you're together?"

"Completely. I'm so in love, Kendall."

"Yeah, I've heard that before."

"No, that was nothing. Jack...I mean, I did love what I knew of him, but this...it's everything I've wanted. With the guy I've always wanted it with. I'd be an idiot to walk away from that."

"You would. Glad you finally came to your senses. So you're happy?"

"Happy doesn't even begin to describe it. Everything's falling into place. I'm rejoining choir. And if you'll have us, we both want to be back on the team."

"Fuck yes!" Kendall yelled, quickly following that with, "Sorry, Mom." To Logan he explained, "She's in the kitchen. But really? I get you both back?"

"Yes," Logan chuckled. "We agreed we've missed it a lot."

"You're both stupid. Do you know what Carlos told me?"

"What?"

"James only quit hockey because he wanted to spend time with you. He needs the tutoring, but he didn't care about that until he heard you were one of the tutors. So he went to Mr. Jackson and explained that he needed the smartest tutor available."

Logan melted. "Really? That's why he said that?"

"Yep. Carlos kept it quiet from both of us, but he says James has been after you since the day he came back."

"James said he came back here for me," Logan offered softly. "That he never stopped thinking about me."

"Well, you're even on that. Carlos really wants the four of us to be a team. Not just hockey, but...what did he call it? A brotherhood."

"I like that," Logan grinned. "How did we get so lucky? Overnight you and I both have the guys of our dreams?"

"Because fate isn't always cruel, Logan. Sometimes, it's just right."

Thinking of James, Logan nodded. Sometimes, it just was.

When his mother brought in a packet of paperwork that had come in the mail from the school board, Logan contemplated the large envelope for a few minutes before shutting it away in his desk unopened. His desire to run away to California had passed.

XXXX

The next two weeks passed in a blur. Between hockey practice, tutoring James, and their rehearsals for the duet they'd signed up to perform, Logan was busier than he'd ever been. There were make-out sessions in his room each day once they'd practiced the song on the piano downstairs, his mother without fail inviting James to stay for dinner when she arrived home from work. James never turned those invitations down, and when Logan asked James to stay the night after Friday night's hockey game, James readily agreed to that as well.

Logan was sad to find that the book James had loaned him ended in what he supposed was a bittersweet ending, but that the two male lovers did not remain together as he'd hoped. The young god fell in love with a girl while the slightly older composer found solace in his music, though he would be forever a friend to his lover. The thought of that chilled Logan, having to watch James live out his life with another lover, and the first opportunity he had to spend another full night with James, Logan made sure to repeatedly bring James to pleasure in order to show him there was no place else he'd rather be.

"I'm not going anywhere," James whispered once during the night, caressing Logan's face in the dark. "It's just a book."

Because of course James knew what had brought about the desperation in Logan; James seemed to know everything on his mind, no matter how hard he tried to hide it. No one had ever taken so much of an interest in him and learned him the way James had. "I love you," Logan whispered in return, the first time he'd spoken the words aloud. "I haven't said it yet, and...I just want you to know."

"I do know," James smiled, tilting Logan's face up to his for a gentle kiss. "You don't have to say the words for me to know what you're thinking. But I'm glad you did."

The day before the concert, Logan asked Kendall and Carlos to join their rehearsal because they needed an audience to critique them. Their choir director had assured them it was perfect, but they agreed they wanted a student's perspective as well.

In Logan's living room they ran through the song while Kendall and Carlos cuddled together on the sofa, Logan getting lost in the sound of James' voice as always while his fingers traveled over keys. The first time they played it straight through without stopping, Carlos and Kendall cheering them when it was done and proclaiming it "awesome." Logan went over a few lines with James, suggesting he take the notes higher and singing them as an example, and Kendall's eyebrows raised from where he was sprawled next to Carlos.

"I didn't know you could sing. I thought you just played the piano."

"Oh, I don't sing. Not well, anyway. I just-"

James interrupted Logan to address Kendall. "Dude, right? I keep telling him we should sing it together! He thinks his voice sucks."

"It doesn't suck," Carlos pointed out. "It's not trained like yours, but it's still really nice. Honestly, Logan, you guys should sing it together."

"No," Logan argued, shaking his head. "He's the voice. I'm just the avenue for him to express it."

"Oh, please," Kendall said with a roll of his eyes. "You guys are great together. Come on, Logan, give it a try. Sing a few of the lines yourself, I bet you two would sound amazing."

"Kendall, if I had a voice worthy of singing, I wouldn't be the piano player; I would be _in_ the choir."

"Bullshit," Carlos replied. "You play because you love it. You should sing with James, Logan."

James was suddenly kneeling next to the bench with his hands pressed together as if praying. "Please, babe. Sing with me. Just give it a try. You can take the first verse."

"I'm not singing a whole verse!" Logan gasped. "Are you crazy?"

"Fine, what about just the bridge? Come on, sing with me." James launched into it, Logan remaining silent and hating the smirk that appeared on James' face when James saw him weakening. "Now you."

"No." A cushion from the sofa smashed into Logan's head. "Ow, Carlos!"

"Just do it! Come on, I want to hear you sing!"

"If I sing it once, will you all shut up?"

"Maybe," Kendall grinned. "Depends on how good it is."

"I hate all of you." Logan took a breath and placed his fingers on the keys, pressing down at the same time he began to sing. "Baby, it's something that you did that holds me on, maybe there's something that just keeps me from moving on."

James picked up the next line. "The moment I see ya, I know it's gonna be ya."

And then to everyone's surprise, Logan busted out with a strong falsetto for the last line. "I got this figured out."

"Dude!" Carlos exclaimed. "I didn't know you could do that."

"My man is full of surprises," James beamed, grinning up at Logan from his position on his knees. "Babe, seriously. Let's make this a true duet."

"I don't know," Logan wavered. "The whole point is to let the world hear you do a solo. Your voice is my favorite thing, James."

"You hear my voice every day, Logan, and so does everyone else. Let them hear yours for once."

"Think about how proud your mom will be," Kendall tossed out. "Does she know you can sing like that?"

"Not really, I usually just play."

It took a few more minutes of cajoling, but finally Logan agreed to give it a try. He and James switched off verses, singing the choruses together, and after an hour of repeating that even Kendall and Carlos were joining in and making up synchronized dance moves that James laughed while copying.

"You know, in another lifetime we could've been a boyband," James grinned.

"Oh my god, could you imagine?" Logan chuckled. "Those two jocks singing pop melodies for screaming girls?"

"Yeah, no," Kendall replied, the thought of it making him shudder in revulsion. "You two can keep your screaming girls. I'm happy with my fierce warrior."

"When are you gonna bake me brownies again?" was Carlos' response, causing James to crack up while Kendall rolled his eyes.

"Is that what you love me for? My baking?"

"One of the things," Carlos nodded. "Want to stay at my house this weekend? You can teach my mom how to make them."

"No way. Nobody gives you kisses but me."

"I can't believe you're jealous of my mom," Carlos grinned, not fighting it when Kendall proved his point with his lips.

"So what do you think?" James asked from his perch next to Logan. "Want to do this?"

"I guess we could. I still think it should be just you on the stage, though. Your voice, James..."

"Is so much better with you. Everything is."

That got James a long kiss of his own, and it was only the sound of the door between the kitchen and garage closing that broke up the amorous couples.

"We should get going," Kendall stated. "But seriously, Logan. Do the song."

"I'll think about it," was all he said.

"He's already convinced," James told them. "He just doesn't want to admit it yet. Catch you guys tomorrow. You're coming to the concert, right?"

"We'll be there," Kendall nodded.

Logan reminded Kendall that he and James would be missing hockey practice to prepare for it, and once they were gone the boys greeted Logan's mother before disappearing upstairs.

"We never did your homework," Logan realized.

"It's okay, I can skip one day."

"No, you can't," Logan argued. "Your grades are improving but that doesn't mean we can slack off. You have to-"

"Do this," James interrupted, reaching between them to squeeze Logan. "We only have time for one thing, and it damn well isn't gonna be homework."

Logan's knees went weak, any further argument stifled by James' mouth on his. Twenty minutes later they were naked in Logan's bed and recovering, Logan raining kisses up James' stomach on the way to his neck.

"Fuck, you're good at that," James breathed, a hand caressing Logan's hair. "I've decided you can't graduate early and move to California. Not without me. I'd miss this too much."

"I decided that weeks ago," Logan laughed, smothering James' mouth with his own before reaching for his clothes. "Get dressed, dinner should be almost ready."

"Where are you going?" James whined, reaching out a hand in invitation while Logan pulled up his boxers. "I was enjoying our cuddle time."

"We have all weekend. Promise." Logan bent over James to kiss him, then stepped back to peek out the bedroom door. "Okay, she's downstairs. I'm just gonna run to the bathroom, be right back."

Holding his jeans and t-shirt in one hand, Logan closed the door on his favorite sight-James naked and snuggled up in his bed. "Should be illegal," he muttered under his breath, rushing to the bathroom and closing himself in with a sigh.

As he relieved himself he played back James' words in his head, glad he'd chosen to put off graduation for another few years. After all, they'd just discovered each other in a real sense, and the thought of living without their newfound happiness for even one day was torture enough; he couldn't imagine having to spend months at a time without James.

His clothes were back on and Logan was washing his hands when he thought of Jack, and of his reaction to learning that Logan might move away.

 _You staying in school for another few years. How can I make that happen?_

 _Why would you want to?_

 _Because I feel like I just finally got to know you and I don't want you to go._

Jack had promised he'd meant everything he said during their chats, and Logan wondered now if that had been a lie. He supposed it didn't matter, he had James now and wouldn't trade him for anything, but he couldn't help remembering how the words had made him feel.

 _Special. He made me feel special. Like James does, but James is better at it._

Only James hadn't ever told Logan he wanted him to stay, not until this moment. Logan had kept the secret from Kendall because he hadn't wanted to upset him unnecessarily, and once he started dating James there was no reason to bring it up—the idea had been thrown out the window after their first night together.

The revelation slammed into him so suddenly that he stood frozen over the sink, water still running over his hands but Logan completely unaware of it.

 _I never told James about graduating early. I never told anyone, outside of Jack._

Had his mother mentioned it to James? Had Jack? Did James even speak to Jack?

Finally shutting the faucet off, Logan dried his hands and sat on the edge of the bathtub to think this through. As far as he knew, his mother and James had only been alone for a few minutes at a time, and Logan was positive that if she'd shared that information with James, he would have said something right away to reassure himself that Logan wasn't going anywhere. James needed that sort of reassurance even more than Logan.

So that left Jack. When had James spoken to Jack? And why would Jack even bring that up? He'd sworn to never repeat anything they discussed in the chats.

Hand on the door, Logan rebelled against the truth his mind was trying to shove at him. His heart didn't want to even consider what his brain had already figured out, but nothing else made sense.

 _I thought of you this summer._

 _Ever since the talent show. You deserved to win._

 _I've always thought you were gorgeous. I never knew how to tell you._

 _Can we keep this between us?_

 _I sort of did once. It's hard to explain. But I never forgot it._

 _I wrote it years ago. Part of the first song I ever wrote._

 _One for every year I've known you._

 _Can you imagine them together? Your music and his voice?_

 _I want to sing you songs and buy you dinner and sit with you in a movie theater and hold your hand._

 _Even when you hurt someone so badly they can't stand to be in the same room as you?_

 _You can't do anything in public._

 _And thanks for trusting me with your secret. I won't tell anyone._

And he hadn't; Logan knew in his heart that Jack hadn't repeated the secret to James, because there had been no need to.

James had known it all along. The song "Jack" had written made perfect sense now.

The betrayal slicing through Logan now was more intense than anything he'd felt before. He made his way slowly back to his room, so nauseous he had to lean his head against the door for a few seconds before opening it.

James was dressed again and pulling on his shoes. Perched on the edge of the bed, he grinned at the sound of the door closing while focusing on tying the laces. "We need to make sure someone records us doing the song together. I want to lay here in bed with you and watch it."

"I never told you I was moving to California."

"What?" Shoes on securely, James glanced up in time to see Logan lean back against the door as if he needed it for support.

"I didn't tell you. I didn't tell you or Kendall, because I didn't want to upset either of you. I only told Jack that."

Logan watched it happen, saw the way James' face paled when he understood that Logan had made the connection. He knew James well enough now to see the fear in his eyes, the terror that caused his muscles to freeze up. "You did, you-"

"No, James. I didn't."

Swallowing hard, James gripped the edge of the mattress with both hands. "Logan, don't...let me..."

"Don't lie to me. I've had enough lies."

"Look, you have to understand that-"

"That you broke my heart again? After I finally trusted you, and I knew this would happen, I told Kendall this was why I didn't want to let you in." Pushing himself away from the door to stand up straight, Logan yelled, "And I'm so stupid that I let you in anyway!"

"Logan, wait, don't shut me out again. Just listen to me."

"I'm done listening to you." Logan reached back for the doorknob. "You need to go."

"No." James stood up to approach Logan, hands gripping his shoulders. "Hear me out first, okay? I deserve that, you have to let me-"

"You don't deserve another second of my time. I can't believe I'm so stupid I fell for that. How did you even do it? Did you hack into his account?"

"Logan, I didn't have a choice, you wouldn't even look at me. How was I supposed to-"

"So you did? You hacked him?"

"Shannon had his information written in her notebook. She was upset after he broke up with her and said she wouldn't need it, that he didn't even have the program on his computer anymore anyway, and I'd heard you guys flirting over by the door and when I saw his login and password when she was scratching it out...I don't know. I was crazy after watching you flirt with him and I was terrified every day that someone else would get to you before I had the chance to win you over. I had to witness Kendall kissing you, and it scared me so badly I was desperate."

"So you memorized it?"

James nodded.

"How could you even see me talking to Jack in the library? We were around the corner from you."

James shook his head. "I got up to follow you. I was gonna catch you outside, force you to listen to me, make you pay attention. But he got to you first. I heard every word, I saw the way he was flirting and that you liked it, and I panicked. I went back to the table in a daze and then Jack came over, and of course Shannon was totally oblivious to what I was feeling so she was making a move on me and Jack saw. They got into an argument and she came back in and told me everything, and that just scared me even more because if he was free to pursue you...Logan, please try to understand. I moved all the way back from California for you, all I wanted was a chance to make things right but you wouldn't even breathe the same air as me. I didn't know how else to talk to you. That's all I wanted, just to talk to you. And the only way I could make that happen was to be someone else." Tears crowded into James' eyes as he touched Logan's face. "All I wanted was to know you."

Though Logan felt the sincerity behind the words, he shook his head. "Don't you understand that I can't trust you? How do I know everything you're saying right now isn't a lie? When you tell me that you love me, how am I supposed to believe that?"

"Because if there's one thing that's been true of me for as long as you've known me, it's that I love you. I know you can't understand this, but I didn't know what else to do, Logan. I'd tried everything to get through to you, and nothing worked. You just wouldn't give me a chance. And once you did, look what happened. You love me because I'm the one meant for you. This is right, you _know_ it's right, you can't fight what's in your heart."

Logan was about to argue that James was wrong, that he'd had feelings for Jack as well, but then realized that because Jack had been James, it only proved James' point. "James...you lied to me and pretended to be someone else. Then you broke my heart, knowing I'd run to you because I was devastated. You manipulated me, manipulated my feelings, and purposely set me up just to hurt me."

"No, it wasn't like that, I ended it with you because I knew it was wrong, I felt bad for-"

"You ended it because you didn't need him anymore. You were winning me over on your own by that time, James, and that's what you should've waited for. You never needed the lie, you just had to give me time. Because even when I hated you, I couldn't resist you. I couldn't stop thinking about you. I wanted you." Blinking against the hot tears burning his eyes, Logan said, "But I don't want you anymore. You ruined your one chance left with me." He opened the door but kept his eyes on the carpet, waiting for James to move.

"Logan, please," James begged, hands forcing Logan's face up. "Don't do this, we're finally together, we're finally happy, please don't shut me out. I can't live without you now."

Though Logan had no idea how in the world he would live without James either, he closed his eyes. "And I can't trust you again. Go."

"I'm not leaving. Not until you can look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me. You can't, because you do."

"Sometimes love isn't enough, James. And sometimes? It really is too late."

Logan was afraid that James wasn't going to leave, that he was instead going to attack Logan's mouth in a way that Logan couldn't resist, but in the end he reached toward the desk for his backpack and hiked it up onto his shoulder. "I'm not giving up on you, Logan."

"You don't have a choice. Because I've given up on you. And I hate you for making me believe you'd changed."

"I have. I did. Everything I ever said to you, even as Jack, it was all true. The song I wrote. Please read it again, every word—that's the truth I could never tell you to your face, because you wouldn't let me."

"I'm burning it the moment you leave. Goodbye, James."

James closed his eyes, body trembling. "No. Please, Logan, don't-"

Logan stepped back and closed the bedroom door, once again using it for support. It seemed forever before he heard the front door close, and he couldn't resist moving to the window to watch James maneuver the path to the sidewalk. He glanced back once, their eyes meeting and Logan feeling his resolve start to crumble, but before it could he shut his curtains and sank to his bed.

His phone beeped at him a moment later, Logan tempted to ignore the text but of course giving in after a minute.

 _I'm not giving up on you. What we have is something special._

 _What we have is lies._

 _You know that's not true. We belong to each other._

 _In case I didn't make it clear, the duet is off._

 _I love you._

To that text Logan composed no reply. He left the words hanging in midair, as it were, because to hear them caused more pain than anything James had ever put him through before.


	14. Chapter 14

Logan claimed a stomachache when his mother called him down for dinner, and by the time his phone buzzed again an hour after that, his eyes were swollen and puffy from crying and he was once again dead inside. He almost ignored the text, but realizing it was from Kendall he reached for his phone.

 _James just left here. He showed up hysterical and we barely managed to get him calmed down._

Not wanting to acknowledge that his heart was coming alive again and yearning to reach out to James, Logan kept his reply short and to the point.

 _James is dead to me. Mention his name again and so are you._

His phone rang ten seconds later and Logan wanted to throw it across the room, but of course he needed a friend and so he answered.

"I don't care."

"Yes, you do. James is a wreck, Logan. My mom drove him home but told me she's thinking about going back to get him because no one was at his house and she doesn't want to leave him alone."

"Does she know why he's so upset?"

"No. Just that something really bad happened to him. I understand why you're angry."

"He told you?"

"Yes. If someone did that to me, I'd never want to speak to them again, either. I'd kick his ass so hard he ends up somewhere over the Pacific Ocean."

"Exactly. I'm glad you see where I'm coming from."

"But, since it didn't happen to me, I'm able to see both sides of it."

Logan groaned and rubbed his forehead. "Don't even start with me. You're my best friend, you have to take my side."

" _Because_ I'm your best friend, I'm taking his into consideration."

"What sense does that make?"

"I've never seen you so happy as you've been the past few weeks."

"Yeah, Kendall, with a lie."

"With _James_. Not Jack. Or pretend-Jack, whatever. With James. The real James."

"It doesn't matter, I can't even trust that the James I spent the past two weeks with _is_ the real James. He came back here and lied to me from the start."

"No, he came back here and tried to be your friend. But you wouldn't let him."

"He didn't deserve it!"

"Logan, you know why he was an asshole to you all those years. I'm not siding with him on that, he was an idiot and should have just said what he was feeling. But when we're kids, we don't think. We just act."

"So now you're defending his behavior as a kid, too? What's wrong with you, Kendall? You can't possibly think what he did was right, impersonating someone else."

"No, I think that was a dumb move. And also really stupid to involve someone else, because it could have blown up in his face. It almost did at the movies. I feel bad now for yelling at Jack."

"Exactly. He won't even look at me now, when I see him at school he avoids me. All because of James."

"Yeah, it was wrong of James to do that. But he's right when he says he didn't have any other way to talk to you. You were a dick to him."

Logan's jaw dropped. "Why are you taking his side?! He brought all of this on himself! He's a liar and a manipulative asshole and he-"

"Loves you."

"Stop it."

"He loves you, Logan. Probably more than is healthy. And if you didn't love him just as much, I wouldn't be encouraging you to work this out with him."

"I'm not working anything out. I'm not even going to speak to him again."

"Don't you realize that the guy you fell in love with on the computer is real? He's the same guy you fell in love with in person. Why are you so stubborn? Just let yourself be happy for once."

"And the moment I do, he's going to break my heart again. I told you he would, Kendall. I _told_ you that. I'm not taking that chance again. Not even for James."

Kendall sighed heavily in Logan's ear. "What happens when he touches you and you still want him?"

"We have no reason to touch. I don't plan to be near him."

"Oh, no. No way in hell are you quitting the team again. We won last week because both of you were back; if you quit the team again we're done, Logan. I'll never speak to you again."

"Liar."

"I'm serious! You can't keep uprooting your life every time you have a fight with James. If you can't even be around him without it bothering you, then that's something you should think about. Logan, use your head. The reason you can't get over him is because he's the right one for you. If he wasn't, you would have forgotten about him at some point in the four years he was gone. Even now you're laying in bed missing him, am I right?"

"I hate you."

"You know I'm right. And you can't quit choir until after the concert, they're counting on you to play for them."

"I know. I'll do that, but I'm not doing the duet with James. It's...that song...I just can't, Kendall. Don't yell at me, I can't sing that song with him."

Hearing tears in Logan's voice, Kendall said soothingly, "It's okay, nobody's making you do that. Look, I know you're hurting. I know that what happened with Jack...or James, but you know what I mean. I know that what happened with him was nothing compared to the devastation you must be feeling now, and that seeing James must be like a sledgehammer crushing your heart."

Logan didn't reply, but the tears were falling again.

"But there's a reason it hurts so bad. You love him."

"I did."

"You still do. And God knows he's insane without you. I thought he was gonna pass out earlier, by the time he got here he'd worked himself into a severe panic attack. He needs you, Logan."

"I don't care."

"And you need him, too."

Lips trembling at the truth behind that statement, Logan squeezed his eyes against fresh tears. "I'll see you tomorrow, Kendall."

"Don't hang up, just talk to him, you're going to be miserable until you fix this with him."

He couldn't manage another word and ended the call just as a wave of sobs shuddered through him. He ignored another incoming text until he'd regained control of himself, again wanting to throw his phone across the room when he read it.

 _I'm sorry. I'd give anything to take it back._

 _You can't._

And hadn't Logan been having this same conversation with James two weeks ago? It never ended, like a broken record they were stuck on that one line.

 _I know. Please forgive me. Everything I said was the truth. Every word I ever spoke._

 _Stop texting me._

 _I love you._

 _I'm going to change this number._

 _Please don't. I need you._

 _You lied to me._

 _I was desperate. I didn't know what else to do._

 _I'm not going to read anymore texts from you._

 _I miss you._

 _Goodbye, James._

 _Life's too short, let's end this game, let me show you let me speak your name, take my hand and let's not care about yesterday_

 _Stop it. That's not going to work._

 _Just read the song. Please. Believe it._

 _I burned it._

This was a lie, of course; Logan had done no such thing.

 _No you didn't. You read it after I left and you cried._

 _What did you do, spy on me?_

 _I didn't have to. I know you that well, Logan. Please just talk to me._

 _Goodbye._

 _I'm not giving up._

 _I decided to go to California at the end of the year._

That was something else Logan hadn't done, and said it only to cause James pain.

 _No._

 _I'm going._

 _I'll follow you there. My dad still lives out there, you can't run away from me._

Damn. He'd forgotten about that.

 _You have to let me go, James._

 _Cause we all make mistakes, we live and learn, and the hardest thing is feeling the burn of your eyes when you're miles away, please tell me it's not too late_

After staring at the words for a long time, Logan finally responded.

 _It's too late._

He shut his phone off completely before plugging it into the charger and turning off the light. When he slid into bed he tried to ignore that the pillow smelled like James' shampoo, that only hours earlier James had given him the most sensational blowjob in history in this very same spot. Crying himself to sleep, he fell into confused and agonizing nightmares that without fail starred the one person he was trying desperately to forget.

But when he woke in the morning, the pain was muted. He turned on his phone to find only one text, and it was from Kendall. Surprised that James hadn't attempted to contact him in any way after the last text Logan had sent, he decided it was for the best.

It was too late.

* * *

The text from Kendall that Logan had woken to was basically a threat.

 _You'd better not back out of the concert._

Of course Kendall would know that he'd spend the entire morning trying to figure out a way to do just that. He considered approaching the choir director and explaining the situation, that it was too difficult to be near James, but was enough of a grown-up to understand that responsibilities were responsibilities; sometimes you just had to suck it up instead of being a dramatic teenager.

And so even though Logan avoided not only James that morning but Kendall and Carlos as well, he texted a reply from his first period classroom.

 _I'll be there. And don't ask me to join you guys at lunch._

To that there was no reply, for which Logan was grateful. It was exhausting enough fighting with James, he didn't need to deal with Kendall on top of it.

 _I miss you._

That text came in during second period. The next followed during third.  
 _  
_ _Please talk to me._

Fourth period James got a little more bold.

 _Let me buy you lunch. We can go somewhere and talk, just the two of us._

When lunch rolled around, Logan steered clear of the cafeteria and instead headed for the library, his place of refuge.

 _James_ _is your place of refuge._

Logan shut that thought process off quick, angry at his traitorous heart for putting the idea into his brain.

Once in the library he rounded a corner just in time to collide with a tall body that reached out for him before he could stumble back.

"Whoa, Logan, you okay?"

Logan stared up at Jack with a feeling of _déjà vu_.

When Logan remained silent, Jack gave a nervous laugh. "This is familiar, huh? Listen, I owe you an apology."

"No. No, Jack, I'm the one who's sorry. It was a misunderstanding."

"Well, yeah, but it's partly my fault. I was totally flirting with you that day, and I probably shouldn't have winked but you looked really good, I mean I do think you're attractive-"

Logan was shaking his head, hands still clutching Jack's shirt as they had when he was losing his balance. "No, it's fine. You did nothing wrong. I'm so embarrassed over the whole thing, please don't blame yourself."

"I was still debating over whether or not to take a chance with Scott and looking for a reason to end it with Shannon and...I don't know. When I ran into you that day, my head was all over the place."

"Jack, it's okay. Really. Mine was, too. Can we just forget about it and be friends?"

"I'd like that," Jack smiled, hands squeezing Logan's biceps. "And Diamond ended up with you instead of Shannon. Isn't it crazy how life works out?"

Logan's lips pursed, gaze looking past Jack just in time to see another tall, lithe body slip into the library. Hazel eyes roamed the room desperately, relieved when they fell on Logan before turning to devastation at the sight of him locked into what could almost be called an embrace with Jack.

"It is," Logan replied, raising his voice to continue. "But I'm not with James anymore. It's over."

"Oh. That didn't last long."

"Actually, it was eight years too long," Logan stated.

"Eight years?" Jack echoed, eyes wide. "I had no idea."

James managed to catch his eye long enough to mouth "Mine."

Logan shook his head before smiling up at Jack. "Want to join me for lunch?"

He felt James' presence leave the room, hating that his heart went with it.

"I'm on my way to join Scott in the cafeteria. But you could sit with us, if you need space from Diamond."

"Thanks," Logan smiled, stepping back from Jack. "But I'd feel like an intruder."

"No, it's fine, Scott wouldn't mind."

"I'm good here. But thanks, I really appreciate the offer."

Jack nodded. "I'm sorry I wasn't nicer to you when I was dating Shannon. I was afraid you'd steal her away. And I'll be honest, if I wasn't with Scott now, I'd take you out on a date. We could see a movie together."

The surreality of the situation wasn't lost on Logan, who couldn't hold back an amused chuckle. "Well, if that ever falls through, look me up."

The moment the words were out, though, his heart denied them. It wanted nothing else but what James had given him, needed no one else's arms around him but the ones he'd grown accustomed to.

"I just might. I'll catch you around, Logan." With a last wink Jack turned toward the door.

Logan kept going until he was hidden away at a back table in the corner. Once there he laid his head on his arms and fought the tears that wanted to come through, fought the ache in his body that the mere sight of James had brought to the surface, fought the need to run out the door right now to fall into James' arms and never move again.

"I hate you," he whispered. "Just get out of my head."

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he knew it would be Kendall berating him for eating elsewhere, and though he considered ignoring it he decided Kendall would be the perfect target for his anger. He pulled the phone out and was mentally preparing a scathing reply when he discovered the text was from James instead.

 _I'm not whole without you in my arms. You can't give that to me and then take it back._

But he could. He had.

Fifth period began the next round of texts, one at the beginning of each class.

 _I need you._

 _You're my everything._

 _Wait, I never had a chance to love you._

That one pierced Logan's heart, taking him back to the first time James had ever shared his songs. He remembered "Jack" explaining it to him. _Part of the first song I ever wrote._ _I never finished it, but there's another verse I wrote a few weeks ago._

Well, it wasn't worth dwelling on now, because all it did was make Logan yearn to hear James actually sing the words, and that was counter-productive. Instead he trudged to the auditorium, where he'd promised to help with set-up for the concert.

Though Logan had been the one asked to aid the department, he and James had agreed they'd both do it. Now he prayed James would stay away, that he wouldn't have to deal with James again until the concert itself, where he could hide behind a piano and ignore the pleading looks that burned a hole through him.

When Logan entered the backstage area, he was relieved to see that his concert clothes were still hanging inside the tiny dressing room he'd left them in earlier that morning. He dropped his backpack nearby and went in search of the director, who already seemed frazzled.

"Logan! I'm so glad you're here, I need you to-"

"Before you get started, Mr. Parsons, I need to tell you that James and I won't be doing the duet tonight. I'm sorry, I know the programs are already printed and that leaves you short for the concert, but-"

"No, it's fine. James already explained the situation. It's too late to change the programs, but he can just make the announcement when he takes the stage."

Logan blinked a few times as the words sank in. "Takes the...what did James explain, exactly?"

"That you decided against the duet. I was sorry to hear it, I really loved the arrangement you two put together, but if he'd rather do a solo, that's fine, too."

"He's...solo."

"Right. So don't even worry about it, Logan, just help me set these chairs up for the orchestra. We can move them out of the way before the choir performs."

Chest tight and a panic attack coming on fast, Logan automatically followed instructions but his brain was a whirlwind as he worked.

 _Solo. He's going to sing a song. I can't be here. He'll sing to me, I know he will, he'll sing to me and try to win me back, James why the hell can't you just let me go?_

Just then his phone buzzed at him and he knew without looking what the text would say, because James somehow seemed to have a direct tunnel into his brain.

Sure enough, when he dug his phone out a few minutes later, the text from James read:

 _I'm not giving up on you._

The panic was back, Logan already fearing he wouldn't be able to stand against an attack in the form of James' voice. Expecting at any second that he would turn to find James behind him, he finally caved and sent a message.

 _Where are you?_

 _Rehearsing. I'll see you tonight. Unless you want to talk right now?_

 _No._

 _Okay. I miss you. Don't you miss me even a tiny bit?_

Had James been close enough to whisper the words in his ear, Logan wouldn't have been able to resist; that was the power of James in his life, a force so strong he couldn't move anywhere but toward it and into it.

What were those lines from the song they'd been planning to sing?

 _Your love is static, it pulls me in_

 _You just take me over, you are my controller_

Yes, that song had been an absolutely perfect description of their feelings for one another. As Logan continued to position chairs alongside Mr. Parsons and two other students, he willed the song to leave his head.

But like all songs that worm their way in until you want to scream, that one continued to play on a loop.


	15. Chapter 15

A/N—The song James sings is the rest of what he mentioned earlier in the story, it's "Wait" by White Lion. It is a heavy rock song but there is also an acoustic version of it, and that's the version James would be singing if this story was real life.

I just want to take a second to thank everyone who read this story. Whether you reviewed or not, thank you for taking the time to make it this far and stick with it to the end. I hope you enjoyed it, and will give my next story a chance as well. I should be posting the first chapter soon. :)

This is the final chapter.

* * *

The individual performances had been slated for the second half of the concert, theirs scheduled as the first following intermission. Logan thought that worked out well, because after finishing the accompaniment of the choir, he could slip out and never have to witness James doing the thing that brought him alive—the thing Logan could spend the rest of his life watching without ever tiring of.

Well-dressed students milled around the backstage area in chaos before the show was to begin. Logan focused on readying himself for the songs he was due to play, keeping his head down to avoid sighting James. But James didn't show until just before he was needed, and Logan heard him before he saw him.

"Sorry, Mr. Parsons, I had to run home and change. I was rehearsing all afternoon."

"It's fine, James, just get up there on the platform with everyone else. George, you're in the wrong row! Move up!"

Tense from the second James' voice had washed over him, Logan flexed his fingers over the keys and tried to relax. That went to hell when a hand fell onto his left shoulder and a soft voice spoke just outside his right ear.

"You look incredible, Logan."

Fighting against the heat shooting through his body, Logan tried not to react but knew James wouldn't miss the shiver that ran up his torso.

"Good luck tonight."

Now lips were on his neck, too brief for Logan to move away but leaving an echo of the touch long after James had taken his place amid the choir students.

It was easy to keep his eyes off James during the performance, Logan instead focusing on the music and allowing himself one roaming glance of the audience. Light green eyes smiled at him from next to Carlos, who gave a catcall that was completely out of place in the auditorium but caused Logan to chuckle anyway. When the choir's segment was finished, it was Kendall and Carlos who applauded the loudest.

Once the curtain had come down for intermission, Logan wasted no time. He checked in with Mr. Parsons, who gave him reluctant permission to leave, then rushed toward his belongings in a hurry to escape before James took the stage. A flash of crimson stopped him in his tracks, Logan groaning as he approached.

Pinned to his backpack was a single red rose and a note, which was of course in James' handwriting. And how had he never noticed before that James and "Jack" had the same handwriting?

 _This makes #9. You'll get another next year, and every year after that we're together._

"No no no, stop it! Stop it!"

But he gently removed the flower and note, dropping them both in his pack and hoping the petals wouldn't fall off before he could get home.

"At least stay for my song."

Logan continued to pack up, the voice not slowing him down. "No. But I'm sure you're nervous, so...good luck."

"Can you at least look at me?"

"Nope. Have a nice life."

Logan was almost to the stairs leading off the stage when James called out, "Did you like the rose?"

"I'm burning it when I get home!"

"No you're not, you'll set it on your desk and stare at it all night. Come on, Logan, just-"

"Stop!" Logan yelled suddenly, anger bubbling over. "Just stop it, because I'm done, I'm not doing this with you anymore, I'm-" Without thinking he spun around to continue his tirade, and that was a mistake. His words cut off the moment he actually looked at James because his breath was taken away.

James was dressed like Logan, like all of the students, but James made the clothing look like it belonged on a runway. His shoes were shiny and black, pants black as well but molded to him perfectly. Even the plain white long-sleeved button-up seemed sophisticated when paired with a dark tie that set off James' eyes. But what caught Logan's attention so that he couldn't look away was the hair; last time he'd seen James the hair had been long enough to brush against James' shoulders, a length Logan loved to sink his fingers into. Now the back barely brushed James' collar and the sides were short enough to reveal most of his ears.

"You cut your hair," Logan murmured.

James shrugged, hands in his pockets. "I thought it was time to grow up a little bit."

"No no no, James, why? Not your hair." Without planning to, Logan crossed the space between them to lift his fingers to tug on the shorter strands. "Your hair," he whined, as if in mourning.

"It'll grow back," James said softly, one hand freeing itself to slide an arm around Logan's waist. "I thought I'd like it better, but...I don't know. I miss it."

"But your haaaaair," Logan moaned. "Why?"

"Come back to me and I'll never cut it again." James bent his head so that their noses brushed together, Logan's mouth moving to close the circuit before his brain snapped down into place.

"No!" he yelled, backing away fast. "I see what you're doing! It's not gonna work!"

"Logan, please, just-"

"Don't ever touch me again!"

"Logan, wait!"

But Logan was done waiting. He took the steps two at a time until he could rush up the left aisle of the auditorium toward the exit. Halfway there two bodies jumped up from the seats to block his path.

"Hey, Logan, that was great! You're so good on the piano!"

"Thanks, Carlos, but I need to get going. We'll talk tomorrow, okay?"

Kendall patted Logan's shoulder. "He's right, dude, maybe you really should consider that as a career instead of the medical thing. You definitely have a future in music."

"Fine, I'll be a doctor who moonlights as a lounge performer. Thanks, guys, but I really need to go."

"Logan, wait," Carlos blurted, moving to the left to block Logan's progress. "I have this question on my math homework that I'm stuck on, and Kendall said I should ask you for help before the test tomorrow."

Grasping for patience, Logan replied, "That's fine, call me when you get home and we'll talk about it."

"I won't have time when I get home. My mom doesn't let me stay up past nine anymore."

"Since when?" Logan questioned, but didn't wait for an answer. "Fine, we can meet up before school tomorrow. Just text me later and tell me what time to meet you in the library."

"I can't get here early," Carlos complained. "My mom has to drop off my little sister at school first, then she takes my baby brother to daycare, and then barely has time to get me to school before first period. I guess I could go with Kendall, but then I still wouldn't have time because-"

"Carlos!" Logan snapped. "I don't have time for this! See if Shannon's willing to help you, she's right over in the next section. I'm sorry, but I have to go."

Kendall took a step toward Logan. "Hey, you don't have to be rude about it. Carlos is asking for help and he never does, I told him you'd be nice about it but you're acting like a dick and I'm sure it has everything to do with James, but that's not Carlos' fault. The least you could do is-"

"Fine," Logan sighed, patience a taut wire as he gave Carlos his attention. "What's the problem?"

"Okay." Happy now, Carlos began, "So if there's an airplane taking off from JFK at 7:18 P.M. but it's snowing outside, and if the traffic controller had a lot of caffeine the night before so he's waving his arms too fast, but he normally waves them at a speed of ten miles per second, how long does-"

"That's impossible."

"What?"

"That doesn't even make sense, Carlos. Even if you could somehow measure the speed of that, it couldn't be ten miles per second. Are you sure you're remembering the problem right?"

"I think so. It said ten miles per second."

"Maybe it was the plane that moves at ten miles per second. Though that doesn't sound right, either." Shaking his head in exasperation, Logan asked, "What is it you're supposed to figure out? How long does it take for what?"

"Oh! So if it takes off at 7:25 P.M., but-"

"18."

"What?" Carlos asked again.

"You said 7:18 P.M. Not 25."

"Did I?"

Temper about to snap, Logan rubbed his forehead. "Carlos, you're not even making sense. If you want me to help you, find a way to meet me in the library tomorrow morning or call me tonight. Otherwise Shannon's your best bet. I'm out of here."

Logan attempted to step past Carlos but found his path blocked yet again. He'd opened his mouth to yell when Kendall suddenly said, "It's fine now, Carlos." He gestured toward the stage, and Carlos looked over Logan's shoulder with a grin.

Realizing too late what he should have known from the start, Logan closed his eyes and said through gritted teeth, "I hate both of you. Neither of you is my friend anymore."

"Shh," Kendall winked, sinking into a seat and dragging Carlos down next to him. "The show's about to start."

Around them people were rushing to their seats. Logan wasted no more time in heading toward the exit, walking so fast he was almost jogging by the time he reached the last row of the auditorium, but he still needed to skirt those seats in order to make it to the safety of the double doors located at the end of the middle aisle.

"Hi, I'm James Diamond."

Logan kept going, trying to block out the voice that was magnified by a microphone.

"This is a song I started writing back when I was in junior high. I worked on it a little a few weeks ago, when I moved here from California, and finished it last night."

He was almost there, halfway across the back of the last row of seats.

"In truth this song was eight years in the making, and it's dedicated to the love of my life. I hope he's able to hear it, wherever he is. This is called 'Wait'."

Logan's steps faltered, but then picked up again at a steady pace. He just had to make it to the doors before James started singing and he was home free. His hand was reaching out to push on one of the doors when a clear, strong voice full of feeling filled the auditorium.

 _Wait! Wait!_

The door opened an inch and hesitated, Logan unable to defy the command as James continued to sing.

 _I never had a chance to love you_

 _Now I only want to say I love you one more time_

It was perhaps not the words that made him turn back so much as the sound of a guitar playing along with them. Who was playing for James?

Logan craned his head back to see James alone on the stage and holding an acoustic guitar. James knew how to play the guitar? Why hadn't he ever told Logan that?

He still wore his dress clothes, but had added the black leather jacket that he knew made Logan crazy.

He was beautiful.

The hall was completely silent as the audience waited for the next line. Had Logan been among them, he would have been on the edge of his seat as well. When James began to sing again, Logan watched him play a simple but beautiful melody on the guitar.

 _Wait just a moment before our love will die_

 _Cause I must know the reason why we say goodbye_

 _Wait just a moment and tell me why_

 _Cause I can show you lovin' that you won't deny_

That was true enough, Logan thought as his breath left him and his body felt the magnetic pull toward the stage. He remained rooted to the spot, though, James' gaze burning a hole into his head and heart as he picked up the next line.

 _I said wait, and show your lovin' like it was before_

 _Cause I won't let that feeling walk out through the door_

 _I said wait, just a moment and try once more_

 _Cause babe, I need to hold you like I did before_

Each word was sung with such passion that the audience was enthralled even though James didn't seem to be paying them any attention. All of his focus was on Logan.

 _He's manipulating me again,_ Logan thought. _He knows this is what gets to me, he knows this is my weakness and he's using it against me. Go go go run run run._

Logan turned away to do just that but the next line stopped him, one hand on the door again and his back to the stage. As always, James knew exactly what to say—or sing—at the right moment.

 _So if you go away, I know that I will follow_

 _Cause there's a place inside my heart that tells me_

 _Hold out, hold out, hold out, oh baby_

Angry at James for knowing him so well, Logan spun toward the stage again and glared at him, but James only continued to play and sing with desperation in every word.

 _Wait, wait, I never had a chance to love you_

 _Wait, wait, if only our love could show you_

 _Wait, wait, I never wanna be without you_

 _Wait, wait, no I never had a chance to love you_

 _Now I only want to say I love you one more time_

The glare softened with each line until Logan's heart showed plainly in his eyes, the need to run back to James and forget the pain, forget the betrayal, to just blindly trust—whatever it took to have those arms around him again and that voice whispering his name in the dark. The guitar fell silent for a moment and the crowd was unsure if the song had ended. By that time, though, most of them were aware that the song was meant for the young man at the back of the room, and gazes swiveled back and forth between them waiting to see what the outcome would be.

Logan's heart went into survival mode then, the wall rising around it as his brain reminded him of all the reasons he needed to run from James. Using every ounce of strength he possessed, Logan forced himself to once again turn away from the stage, away from the pleading eyes he knew he would see in his dreams for the rest of his life.

But then, of course, James began to sing again.

 _So if you go away, I know that I will follow_

 _Cause there's a place inside my heart that tells me_

 _Hold out, hold out, hold out, oh baby_

 _Wait, wait, I never had a chance to love you_

 _Wait, wait, if only our love could show you_

 _Wait, wait, I never wanna be without you_

 _Wait, wait, no I never had a chance to love you_

 _Now I only want to say I love you_

When Logan turned one last time to the stage, it was to find James on his knees at the edge of it and reaching out with one hand while holding the mic in the other. The guitar hung from him unnoticed and he sang the last two lines into dead silence, so much emotion in the words that he might as well have been sobbing.

 _Baby, I'm begging you wait_

 _No I never had a chance to love you_

This time it was obvious the song was over because James was working to extricate himself from the guitar strap while sliding around until his legs were hanging off the stage. He pierced Logan with a gaze that was both predatory and pleading at the same time, and Logan knew that if he didn't run then, he'd never get away.

The audience erupted into applause suddenly as Logan broke through the doors, one thought on his mind—to run as fast as he could, because if James caught him now it was over.

"Logan, wait!"

Instead of obeying, Logan's feet picked up to carry him rapidly through the lobby of the hall. If he could just make it to the main exit, he could hide somewhere or...

Footsteps that were too close and coming too fast spurred him to run even faster, but of course his shorter legs were no match for James' and just as Logan was about to burst through the front doors of the main lobby he was swept off his feet and shoved up against the nearest wall, James' mouth hot on his and James' body crushing him to the hard surface as his backpack fell to the floor.

With a whine and a shudder that was so violent it wracked his entire body, Logan opened his mouth to the attack and used his hands to grip James roughly and pull him closer. "Mine," James halted the kiss to pant, and then his tongue was in Logan's mouth again and Logan slid his arms around James' shoulders to clutch him tightly as they kissed. When James used his body to pin Logan to the wall, Logan moaned and lifted his legs until they were wrapped around James' hips, James the only thing keeping him afloat and if that wasn't a symbol of what James was in his life, Logan didn't know what could be.

From what seemed miles away, Logan vaguely heard a voice say, "Damn. I'd say the song worked."

The answering chuckle belonged to Kendall. "Knew it would."

"I love you," James gasped, only stopping the attack on Logan's lips to speak in between kisses. "I can't live without you. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please take me back, please I'll do anything, I can't live without you."

Logan silenced James with shushing sounds and more kisses.

"I'm sorry," James managed again.

"It's..." Logan was about to say it was okay, but that would be a lie. It really wasn't; what James had done was wrong. However, the fact that James had done it out of desperation to get to Logan went a long way toward healing the wound. "I can't live without you, either." And that, at least, was the truth.

"You can run to the other side of the world and you'd still love me, Logan. You know it. I'd follow you there and force you to face it."

"I know," Logan replied, breath coming in heavy pants. "I love you. It would be so much easier if I didn't."

"Then give in. Let yourself be happy. Let _us_ be happy. Don't we deserve that, after all this time?"

"I'm so messed up I don't even know what's right or wrong anymore," Logan admitted. "I just know that I need you."

"What's right is this." He leaned in to kiss Logan softly, even that gentle act soothing to Logan's soul. "Quit denying both of us what we need to be happy."

Logan's eyes skimmed over James' face before his hands slid up into James' hair. "I need your old hair back to be happy."

"Done," James chuckled. "I'll grow it all the way down to my ass if that's what it takes to get you back. Be mine again."

"I never stopped," Logan whispered, and this time when James kissed him he allowed his legs to slide to the floor so he was supporting himself.

"So...are they back together or not?" Carlos asked quietly from where he stood watching with Kendall.

"Oh yeah," Kendall smiled. "They'll get married someday."

"Yeah? Think we can be in the wedding?"

"We'd better be. We're their best friends."

"That would be nice," Carlos grinned. "I bet you look hot in a tux."

"Just wait for prom," Kendall promised. "We'll be the hottest couple in the room."

"You haven't even asked me yet. What if I say no?"

"Carlos, you're not going to say no."

"How do you know if you don't ask?"

"Fine. Carlos, will you go to prom with me?"

"You can't ask me now, it's still a year away!"

"You know, you're extremely aggravating. Why am I dating you again?"

"Because I give amazing blowjobs," Carlos reminded him.

Kendall laughed, hugging Carlos back against him. "Sure. That's it."

* * *

From the side of the stage, Logan watched Mr. Parsons address the crowd with gratitude for attending the concert and thank everyone who participated. When he reminded the audience there would be a winter concert in just a few short months, James bent his head to speak into Logan's ear. "What song should we do for that?"

"Whatever song describes what we're feeling then, I guess. We'll find something."

James smiled and kissed Logan's neck. "You sure you want to do this?"

"Might as well. Otherwise all our practicing was a waste of time."

"Time spent with you is never a waste. And we discovered you have a great voice!"

"Why didn't you tell me you play guitar?"

Logan felt James shrug behind him. "Didn't think about it. I like you playing for me, so there was no reason to play for myself outside of songwriting."

"In case I didn't tell you, I love the song."

James grinned and hugged Logan closer. "I figured that out when you attacked me in the main hall."

"Excuse me? Who attacked who?"

"Please, you were all over me."

"You started it."

"You continued it. Can I stay at your house tonight so we can finish it?"

"Mom may not allow that, but I'll beg."

"She likes me; I'll beg, too. Did you tell her what-"

"Come on, that's our cue!" Logan hissed.

They walked onto the stage hand in hand, only parting when Logan took his place behind the piano and James picked up the microphone. Logan waited for James to nod at him, and then he played the intro to their song "All Over Again" while James sang random sounds that would never fail to set Logan on fire. But this time rather than distract him, James' voice centered him instead and helped him focus, and when James launched into the first verse, Logan was smiling at him.

 _Still got the same look that sets me off_

 _Guess there's just something about you_

 _I got these feelings can't let 'em show_

 _Cause I went and let you go_

 _I shouldn't have let you go_

 _You asked me for closure before and girl I told you_

 _It's over, it's over, it's not over_

 _So here we go again, yeah_

Logan joined in for the chorus, the two of them staring at each other rather than the audience when they sang together.

 _It's like I'm falling in love all over again_

 _For the first time, and I know that it feels right_

 _I think I'm falling in love all over again_

 _Love at first sight, do you know how I feel?_

 _To the left, left, left_

 _On the right, right, right_

 _To the back, back, back_

 _On the side, side, side_

 _To the left, left, left_

 _On the right, right, right_

 _To the back, back, back_

 _On the side, side, side tonight_

James kicked off the next verse, taking the first half before Logan picked up the second. Each word Logan sang was the truth, but he was no longer afraid of it. James was there to hold him and keep him safe and though he'd made mistakes along the way, he'd proved time and again that he would be at Logan's side.

And really, that's all Logan had ever wanted in a boyfriend, along with moonlight kisses and walks on the sand, but James had promised those, too-only under a different name.

What Logan had come to accept was that the name James used didn't matter. What did was the face it came from, the lips that spoke the words, the eyes that said them with such sincerity, and the voice that sang from the heart that had fallen in love with him the day he'd performed an eight-year-old's version of CPR under a blue sky.

In a way, they'd saved each others' lives that day.

Logan took the bridge, as James had urged him to do only the day before, and his eyes reflected the words he believed so strongly in.

By the time they'd made it through the last chorus, James was standing behind Logan and bent so that he could hug him from behind while Logan leaned back against him. Surprising even himself, Logan launched into a heartfelt wail at the end, James singing the song's title against it but the two parts worked perfectly together. They repeated it again, their voices fading out to leave only the piano playing as James sang softly, "All over again."

It was the perfect way to end that chapter of their lives, and an even better way to begin the next.


End file.
